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Original poster

Overreacting to angry husband??

28 replies

MilkshakeandChips5 · 17/01/2020 19:17

New poster but hoping for some objective opinions if possible...

I’ve been married for three years but have been with my husband for 12. He has always had a tendency to explode when angry (his dad is similar) but has never ever been violent towards me, nor have I ever felt that he would. We are extremely happy the majority of the time.

My husband is currently unemployed due to redundancy and is struggling to sleep. I’m working long hours and leave the house at 5.30, not getting back until after 7. I returned last night, exhausted and the house was a mess. Not a disaster but clothes everywhere, dirty dishes everywhere, bin full, no food etc. I was upset that he hadn’t done the basics and when I told him this, he basically said I was nuts, obsessed with cleaning and if he didn’t want to wash dishes he didn’t have to. My reply was shitty and I basically said well get a job and hire a cleaner. I knew this would upset him. He exploded. Stood to full height over me (he’s a foot taller) and threw what he was holding to the floor next to me. He then screamed at me how dare I talk to him like that. When I flinched and looked at him in shock, he said “what are you looking at me for, I didn’t touch you”. I picked up my bag and left.

I know what I said was unnecessary and I said it to pour salt in the wound but his reaction feels so excessive. I don’t want to feel intimidated. Am I overreacting? Are we both as bad as each other?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 17/01/2020 19:24

No, you are not over-reacting.

He intended to use his physical size and the gesture of throwing something to the floor and the loud voice to intimidate you. It wasn't just anger. Anger would have been stomping around and flouncing off in a huff.

What sort of situations were the occasions of his explosions in the past?

Surferdude · 17/01/2020 19:32

Sounds like you goaded him on purpose to me, yes you’re as bad as each other

charmers2501 · 17/01/2020 19:33

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. After all, you are working and whether he has been made redundant or not he isn't so why should you have to come home to a mess.
If he isn't sleeping then he can always go to the doctor can't he. He is a big boy and throwing his toys out of the pram and taking his frustration out on you over his situation is the unreasonable thing here. Not you just asking for help with the basics.
I get that he is probably stressed right out but making you feel intimidated and shit is not really going to make you feel like being supportive is it. I am going through the same, partner made redundant last week, nothing being done at home while I'm out busting my arse off. I feel resentful and annoyed. Good luck :)

Interestedwoman · 17/01/2020 19:34

No, you're not just as bad, he acted threatening and intimidating. Even if he hasn't been violent, (yet) the walking on eggshells around someone's temper is a very grim way to live. You deserve a better life, and can have it.

Goodebe · 17/01/2020 19:35

My H is similar, I push his buttons purposely until we have a scenario much like you have described. Since dc i haven’t goaded him as much as I don’t want DS to experience it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2020 19:37

You packed a bag and left. No you are not overreacting, not in the least. You and he need to be apart permanently now; you are not safe emotionally or physically to be around him.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and look at what his father in particular taught him. Your H is and has turned out very much like his own father.

I also doubt very much that this is a relationship where "we are extremely happy the majority of the time". That is you I think putting a gloss on things, denial is also a powerful force here.

What you're also describing here is domestic violence; I would contact Womens Aid here as they can help you further. There is no going back from what he did here and this is likely to be a further escalation of such previous behaviour from him too. There is no justification or excuse for his actions here. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

Twillow · 17/01/2020 19:37

NOT goady. You have a right to expect each person in a partnership pulls their weight.
He sounds possibly depressed, but it's still not an acceptable response and I know from bitter experience how scary another person's violent reactions are. Hopefully, if you generally get on I would hope you can have a conversation and negotiate what you both agree is reasonable to expect him to do during the day when you are at work.

Mandarinfish · 17/01/2020 19:41

He used his physical size and strength to intimidate you; I don't think you are over reacting. And of course he should have cleaned the house when you'd been working all day! Your comment about getting a job was a bit goody, but tbh he was asking for it after him saying he doesn't have to wash dishes if he doesn't want to. What a stupid thing to say! None of us like washing dishes, we just get on with it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2020 19:42

Goodebe

You are not responsible for your H's actions here; he is.

Unfortunately your DS will on some level absorb what is happening here because you are all currently under the same roof. You have also now changed your behaviour so as to try to not set his dad off (an unsuccessful tactic in the long run). This is what people subjected to abuse do.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. He has a shouty dad and a mum who has now capitulated in the face of such abusive behaviour from her husband. Walking on eggshells is a phrase that could be applied equally to your son as well as you; you're both in fear of this man.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and talk this through with them. What is happening here is not your fault and you are not responsible for his actions. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

user7522689 · 17/01/2020 19:43

No, you are not overreacting.

As for "as bad as each other" I disagree. Nothing justifies what he did ( which I'm pretty sure constitutes common assault regardless of him not touching you).

Him:

Not a disaster but clothes everywhere, dirty dishes everywhere, bin full, no food etc.

he basically said I was nuts, obsessed with cleaning and if he didn’t want to wash dishes he didn’t have to

He exploded. Stood to full height over me (he’s a foot taller) and threw what he was holding to the floor next to me.

He then screamed at me how dare I talk to him like that.

When I flinched and looked at him in shock, he said “what are you looking at me for, I didn’t touch you”.

You:

I was upset that he hadn’t done the basics and when I told him this

My reply was shitty and I basically said well get a job and hire a cleaner.

I picked up my bag and left

Your comment was shitty given he's unemployed due to redundancy, however it does not justify how he chose to behave in response.

user7522689 · 17/01/2020 19:45

if he didn’t want to wash dishes he didn’t have to

But one assumes he expects you to do it?

EKGEMS · 17/01/2020 19:53

No you are not as bad as him in fact he's a lazy ass slob and if it were me I'd make sure to be apart permanently

Justtryingtobehelpful · 17/01/2020 20:56

This is considered a warning sign in Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

Overreacting to angry husband??
Interestedwoman · 17/01/2020 22:19

@Goodebe 'My H is similar, I push his buttons purposely until we have a scenario much like you have described. Since dc i haven’t goaded him as much as I don’t want DS to experience it.'

Abusers convince those they abuse of this, that they push their buttons etc, the implications being that it's the victim's fault and she's asking for it. It's not. This is one of the worst myths/lies about abuse.

HopeClearwater · 17/01/2020 22:36

Sounds like you goaded him on purpose to me, yes you’re as bad as each other

Always someone who likes to put the boot in!

The man DOES need to get a job! Redundancy doesn’t mean you can slob about feeling sorry for yourself while your partner does everything.

Surferdude · 17/01/2020 23:14

Redundancy can have a serious effect on someone’s mental health, it is basically being told that you are not needed and not worth keeping. If he’s having difficulty sleeping that is one symptom of depression.

He shouldn’t over react and be intimidating but making a horrible comment to him to get a reaction is not on.

I’m pretty sure that men are far more likely to experience mental health problems than women and are at a higher risk of suicide. Just because he is a tall man does not mean that he gets to be spoken to like rubbish and expected to take it because men don’t have feelings

sherridan · 17/01/2020 23:24

What stands out to me is your husband making the point that he didn't touch you.
That shows he knew he had scared you and thinks he had the right to use his height and strenght do that. He also apparently thinks you have no right to object because he didn't actually hit you...

Mitzicoco · 17/01/2020 23:25

You haven't done anything wrong. Maybe trying to open up a conversation about if he is depressed might be a good idea. But ! There is no possible excuse for him behaving like that towards you and well done for getting out of there.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2020 23:30

He is lazy and abusive

Get the fuck out of there

Davespecifico · 17/01/2020 23:34

He sounds horrible.

Chochito · 17/01/2020 23:38

You did the right thing, OP.

PickAChew · 17/01/2020 23:39

Some major apologists in this thread.

He can go find his self worth from a distance. He doesn't get to be a tit and take it out in you.

WhatsInAName19 · 17/01/2020 23:45

Ignore the MRA 🙄 This is a huge red flag. He is abusive and he's not a team player.

Jux · 18/01/2020 01:12

When you lose your rag with him do you try to intimidate him, stand over him (he'd have to be sitting, I get that!) and throw things towards him? No, then you're NOT as bad as each other.

Lunde · 18/01/2020 01:24

You did nothing wrong - you sound exhausted with the burden of working long hours to pay the bills. You are out of the house for almost 14 hours and he cannot even be bothered to spend an hour tidying up? I would be expecting him to carry a lot more of the household workload if he is home all day.

I would not stay in a relationship with a man who is a lazy slob and who uses scare tactics to keep you in line.

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