Overreacting to angry husband??

[MilkshakeandChips5]

New poster but hoping for some objective opinions if possible...

I’ve been married for three years but have been with my husband for 12. He has always had a tendency to explode when angry (his dad is similar) but has never ever been violent towards me, nor have I ever felt that he would. We are extremely happy the majority of the time.

My husband is currently unemployed due to redundancy and is struggling to sleep. I’m working long hours and leave the house at 5.30, not getting back until after 7. I returned last night, exhausted and the house was a mess. Not a disaster but clothes everywhere, dirty dishes everywhere, bin full, no food etc. I was upset that he hadn’t done the basics and when I told him this, he basically said I was nuts, obsessed with cleaning and if he didn’t want to wash dishes he didn’t have to. My reply was shitty and I basically said well get a job and hire a cleaner. I knew this would upset him. He exploded. Stood to full height over me (he’s a foot taller) and threw what he was holding to the floor next to me. He then screamed at me how dare I talk to him like that. When I flinched and looked at him in shock, he said “what are you looking at me for, I didn’t touch you”. I picked up my bag and left.

I know what I said was unnecessary and I said it to pour salt in the wound but his reaction feels so excessive. I don’t want to feel intimidated. Am I overreacting? Are we both as bad as each other?

I’m pretty sure that men are far more likely to experience mental health problems than women and are at a higher risk of suicide. Just because he is a tall man does not mean that he gets to be spoken to like rubbish and expected to take it because men don’t have feelings

So maybe talk about the feelings?
eg:
"Since being made redundant I have been feeling low, no energy, little things seem like insurmountable hurdles, I find it difficult to even imagine starting a simple task around the house."
Or even "I feel X when you say Y."

Not "You are obsessed with cleaning and I don't have to do the dishes if I don't want to."

What happened here was that he got angry at her anger, and decided that in order to protect his precious manliness his true feelings must not be talked about reasonably and rationally in a way that might have drawn his partner closer to him and strengthened the relationship, but instead he could disrespect and frighten her. This is the easy way to deal with difficult situations, and sadly many men avail of this option.

It's not women's fault that many men are so emotionally stunted, and no woman has to stay under the same roof as a man who has scared her and then tried to deny that she had something to be afraid of: He then screamed at me how dare I talk to him like that. When I flinched and looked at him in shock, he said “what are you looking at me for, I didn’t touch you”. I picked up my bag and left.

He is The Big I Am, in his own mind. Too Big to express something as feminine as feelings.

He is telling her she has no right to anger or irritation or annoyance at him. He is also telling her that she doesn't have the right to show fear of him (because that hurts his feelings too). He didn't touch her so he hasn't been abusive . Anything she says or does that contradicts his image of himself is verboten.

Mathanxiety is right!

Please read Reality's opening post on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody