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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being stalked/tracked?

42 replies

CheeryCherry · 17/01/2020 18:32

Long story short, I’ve been separated for a year from my husband after years of coercive control/emotional abuse. It took a long time and a lot of stress and drama to escape. He is still trying to control me and emotionally harass me by text/message/email which escalated over Christmas and New Year. It ruined my family time with his deliberately timed contact. I blocked him on social media (I have done this before but he begged me to unblock as it was ‘affecting his mental health and he was become distressed’.)
More recently now he has randomly turned up at my friend’s house when I had arranged to pick her up for a coffee date. He said it was coincidence but then asked about a couple of things I’d put on Facebook.
Then last night he was texting throughout the night- from 2am onwards, saying how much he missed me and asking how I was. I usually go to bed early, but last night I was on a night shift. How did he know?
I never answer his messages.
I can’t get rid of him. If he has a tracker on my phone, what can I do?
I keep my phone on at night as my daughter is abroad and I like her to be able to contact me, plus I’m often on-call.
Arghhhhhhhhhh Angry

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 17/01/2020 18:36

Could you take it to your phone supplier (like Apple shops) and ask them to check it out?

Aminuts23 · 17/01/2020 18:36

My ex had something on my phone. I’ve absolutely no idea how he did it or what it was but he could see what I was typing. He ‘randomly’ found a thread I’d posted on here about him when he’d never know about MN. It can be done. You can hide your location I think on your phone. I changed my phone when I left him, and my laptop. Creepy as fuck

BumbleBeee69 · 17/01/2020 18:39

I have done this before but he begged me to unblock as it was ‘affecting his mental health and he was become distressed’

this was your first mistake OP.

change your phone.. your phone number... your email address.. you passwords.. everything.. Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 17/01/2020 18:40

Don't respond to any of his texts unless to are about your daughter. He may well have texted you at 2am but you didn't reply right?

Might be worthwhile checking your car for trackers and your house for hidden cams. You can Google how to do this alongside how to fund phone/computer spyware. Make sure to change all your online passwords - use your friends computer to do this maybe?

Block him on everything except one mode of contact and don't reply unless it is kid related

...wait, you say your child is abroad...are your children grown up? If so, block him on everything.

QuentinWinters · 17/01/2020 18:43

You need to bin your phone, get a new handset, new google or apple id, link your new id to your accounts.
He absolutely could be doing this and I think it's quite common. A techy in a phone shop told me he had seen 2 people the same day I went in with this problem.

Google "hack partners phone" and you will find lots of companies advertising this.

It is horrible but trust your instinct and get a new handset - you wont regret it

category12 · 17/01/2020 18:44

Change all your passwords and log out of everything - it may be something as simple as he has access to your account(s) or is linked to your cloud.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 17/01/2020 18:46

I googled it online during the night, I have blocked my location info on my phone.
No I didn’t reply in the night. I text at 8am to ask him to only message at appropriate times. He can now only email or text me. Or turn up at the house Angry
I feel so cross I might have to change everything when I’ve had my number since phones began, and why should I? But I realise this may be the only option.
I wouldn’t know what I’m looking for but I do think he had a tracker on my car when we were together- I bought a new car when I left him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeryCherry · 17/01/2020 18:47

Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
CustardT · 17/01/2020 18:50

You can keep your phone number when you change your phone.

QuentinWinters · 17/01/2020 18:51

It is a pain but worth the money for peace of mind. It's hard to believe someone you love(d) could invade your privacy that way- its horrible.
I still haven't told exh know he did it to me but it makes me barely able to look at him. The fucker. It is one of the things that made me realise how abusive he actually was.

slipperywhensparticus · 17/01/2020 18:51

My ex reactivated an old facebook profile which was still friends with mine and trawled through my Facebook I didnt notice at first but then he would be by us everywhere...so I used to tag myself in places after I left to hear he had gone there after me he then shouted at me about something only someone in my Facebook would know I found it and deleted it

QuentinWinters · 17/01/2020 18:51

Yes you can keep your number on a new sim. That's what I did. Think the handset was about £180 squid

QuentinWinters · 17/01/2020 18:53

Also you can see what devices have access to your facebook and delete them all on privacy settings. And set up 2 factor authentication on everything.

Did ex H have access to your phone at any time? Did he know the pin?

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 17/01/2020 18:54

But if he still has my number can he not just track it again? I don’t know how it works.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/01/2020 18:57

Better safe than sorry.
Defo check the 'log out of all devices' where possible (eg: Facebook when changing paswords).

I don't get why you have any contact at all with him if your kids are all grown though. Or even if they are older teens and you can just leave them to it.

Think I'd block him on everything bar email at least. But then I guess if he has the kids he may have to text if there's an emergency...

Trackers are just little devices they stick on the underside of cars though right? Might be worth having a look under.

But more likely to be your phone/accounts if he was already at your mates when you got there.

Why would he show up there though? What did s/he say to him?

I mean if he us stalking you, talk to the police.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 17/01/2020 18:58

Quentin thank you I’ll look at that. No he hasn’t had access to this phone and it is activated by fingerprint.

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 17/01/2020 18:59

No. He has to have access to your accounts to do that, or access to the phone.

So if you get a new handset and a new apple id/google id for accounts he can't access them.

He could have installed spyware to the phone that enabled him to read your whatsapp and fb messages, texts, browsing history etc.

pog100 · 17/01/2020 19:01

It doesn't work by phone number. It works but your Google or Apple account. Either get your phone wiped to factory settings and reinstall the apps you need, or a new phone, but transfer the the SIM. As previous poster said, log out of everything and set up two factor authentication for Google/Apple.

category12 · 17/01/2020 19:01

It's not the number he can track you by - it's software somewhere. You should be able to keep your number if you make sure every device you have is clean.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 17/01/2020 19:01

Pinkbonbon he turned up, got in my car (not quick thinking enough to pick the doors) wanted to “chat”.
There is an ongoing battle with a pension split so I felt I should remain contactable.
But having read all your comments, I think I will block his number for calls/texts.

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 17/01/2020 19:05

The way to deal with this with my ex was to not accept anyone in Facebook who was not a proper friend, and to unfriend everyone who was close, distant or possibly an acquaintance of my ex. (They understood)

My friend was stalked by her ex. He was able to see her posts as someone in her Facebook accepted exH’s new girlfriend as a friend so he was watching every move through his girlfriend account (if you have privacy set to “friends of friends”, change it to friends only straight away).

On the other hand, I know of a woman who was appearing at her ex’s every outing, event, etc. it turned out that she had the password of his work account from when they were happy and she just continued checking his calendar.

Original poster
CheeryCherry · 17/01/2020 19:06

Great advice pog100, I’ll log out of everything and start again.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/01/2020 19:07

Yeah defo keep it to email only. Or even if you you just discus the pension thing through a lawyer? In which case you don't need to have any personal contact with him.

Hope you are doing lots of reading on controlling sorts. That Lundy bankroft book that gets recommended on here a lot is good ('why does he do that?'). And youtube vloggers on narcissists might help. Melanie Tonia Evans is one. Know all the tactics about what these sorts do when you try to walk away. Some of which he is clearly doing already with the stalking and the 'I miss you' shit.

Keep yourself safe first and foremost!
He is your ex so you need have nothing more to do with him! Don't let him away with shit.

category12 · 17/01/2020 19:07

Yeah, also go through your friends list and get rid of anyone you're not sure of.

Also, can you trust your friend or might she fall for a sob-story from him about needing to speak to you?

MrsGrindah · 17/01/2020 19:08

Short term pain for long term gain. Start afresh new handset new number . It’s not as bad as you think.