What is fair here? Sex one

[embarrassingsexone]

Husband and I have a great sex life, all things considered. I don’t climax via penetration so before sex he will make sure I do, and then we have sex and that’s great.

My problem is that he is happy to climax once and then finish. Occasionally, if I am willing to wait 30 mins, we can go again, but the mood is killed because he's over it. The problem is that for me I would like to go and go and go. I’m not really sure what the answer is here. I feel a little unsatisfied because I don’t feel like once is enough for me.

Is this bonkers? What does everyone else do?

Honest to god MNHQ can confirm I’m a long time poster this isn’t some weird sex fetish thing or trolling or a journo I genuinely want to know if I am expecting too much. Like I’m finding myself not wanting to climax at all the first time because it means it’s over!

If it’s not enough for you can he concentrate on you for a while after until you are satisfied? Without him having to penetrate and having the pressure on him?

Well biologically even the most virile of men can't just produce another erection instantly so I think your expectations are perhaps a little high here
Think yourself lucky he can go again after half an hour, mine takes a good few weeks to get riled up enough for a shag thanks to low libido...sigh.
If you want the sessions to last longer or your orgasm count to increase then I would say the obvious solution is to delay his climax as long as possible because most men wouldn't be able to go again immediately.

I don’t mean it disparagingly that he can’t go again! I more just want to explain in practical terms that it’s a choice but it involves lying there talking about rugby for 30 mins to distract him which is a huge turn off.

I would like him to do more stuff for me ideally but that’s incredibly selfish/greedy I suppose. The act of sex itself doesn’t take very long either so I just feel a bit like the whole thing is over quite quickly and that’s a bit disappointing. We are only in our 20s.

This sounds very negative but I do really enjoy our sex life - what we do is perfect, I just wish there was more of it!

'I would like him to do more stuff for me ideally but that’s incredibly selfish/greedy I suppose.'

It's not selfish at all, he could satisfy you and not leave you frustrated. If you're still frustrated, that means he's a crap lover. He could just do the stuff that gets you off for longer, either before or after, so you get to keep at it for as long as you need. It's not difficult.

Would it work out better for you if you rearranged things and came after him?

Or nipped off with a toy to sort yourself out more after? I do that sometimes while DP rolls over and goes to sleep.

Or nipped off with a toy to sort yourself out more after? I do that sometimes while DP rolls over and goes to sleep

If we are in bed I will finish myself quickly whilst he goes to pee etc. But we have a toddler so sometimes we have to be creative and use other rooms if toddler is in our bed and then it’s less easy!

The problem with him finishing me off after is he is done and his heart isn’t in it. He’s just doing it as an obligation if you know what I mean.

Consider toys for after or try changing the order of things (foreplay - sex - you).

OK sorry, when you say go again, do you mean more sex or more foreplay?
Can I suggest that you make him climax first without 'sex'. (oral maybe)
Then let him go to town on you (which if his recovery time is 30 mins plus should mean he can be thorough haha) and then hopefully he will have recovered to have another go and having already emptied it may mean he can last longer.

@Interestedwoman

you may not realise but orgasms are both peoples responsibility, and the days are gone (if they ever existed) where one gender needs to be blamed if the sex isn't good.

Can he not focus on you longer before penetration? So you have several orgasms before you get to the main event? Alternatiely, once he has climaxed he goes back to you and you enjoy oral, fingers etc?

I would find it very unsatisfying if it was a "one orgasm" each deal every single time It sounds very choreographed and lacking passion. It maybe hasn't occurred to him that he can do more before or after the actual sex, and that one orgasm for you is not sufficient. If you whip a vibrator out afterwards maybe he will get the hint that you're not kidding!

Yes, I think the answer is to prolong foreplay, because him doing stuff afterwards isn’t really an option. But I worry about lengthening foreplay because he might climax before any sex then and then it’s the same problem where it’s all finished and I’m not satisfied.

Is this a common problem?

where one gender needs to be blamed if the sex isn't good

The sex is good! It’s coming across as very bleak but I think we do have a fantastic sex life / I just want more of it!

@embarrassing - apologies this wasn't a reference at you or your DH but rather @Interestedwoman who seem to want to blame your DH for the whole situation.

Can you not just touch yourself during sex if that's the case?

But I worry about lengthening foreplay because he might climax before any sex then and then it’s the same problem where it’s all finished

I don't see why if the foreplay is more concentrated on you especially if you both understand and agree to your desire for multiple orgasms before penetration.

Surplus2requirements

I feel embarrassed making it clear that this is what i would like. my previous long term boyfriend made several comments to me about how he hated me not finishing from sex and “all the other women” he slept with did so he didn’t want to do something for me each time.

DH in the beginning was very selfish and sometimes never did stuff to finish me off. It’s taken a long time to get where we are. I don’t want him to feel too criticised and I feel very embarrassed and as if I am asking for too much. Eg he comes only once so why should I come more? If you see what I mean.

@Treesthemovie

I really don’t like the feeling of doing that at the same times. Bit like sensory overload.

@embarrassingsexone

Yes I can understand that you don't want him to feel criticised and obviously I can only speak for myself but as a bloke I'd absolutely love to know what a partner really likes and desires.

Yes it might be a slightly cringy conversation but potentially well worth it.

It could even be as simple as "Oh god do that again" in the throes of passion

OP i feel your pain!

in our relationship it's the same, but the other way round.
DW gets very tender after orgasm, so it's almost always a "once and we're done" kind of deal.

adding to this is the fact that we both tend to finish quite quickly (likely conditioned through having 3 DCs, and not much time/opportunity).

i''d be quite happy to carry on with concentrating on DW ( her having a good time turns me on something rotten) until i was ready to go again, but DW isn't on the same page (and it's not always feasible anyway).

i think all you can do is have this conversation with your DH, and be clear to him that on occasion you'd like things to last a bit longer, and that means he will have to put his own needs off for a bit to make sure you're fulfilled!

alternatively, you could just accept that you are still getting your needs met (to a degree), and given you are managing regular sex while having a toddler, you already have a more fulfilling sex life than many people in your position,.

though i would understand if that might not be enough!

I would like him to do more stuff for me ideally but that’s incredibly selfish/greedy I suppose

Is it ?

Perfectly ok to have orgasms before your partner does.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband

Yes - I think we have a lot of sex, all things considered. And the quality is high. It’s just the duration - but as you say maybe it’s a conversation for a few years down the line. I just suppose as I like it I want more of it. And I’m
Not really sure what the etiquette is re “fairness”. I will happily do things just for him
And just because, without wanting or expecting anything in return. I just find it hard from my experience to expect him
To want to do the same. I think he thinks if he only needs it once then so do
I. I’ve made it clear this isn’t really the case but I don’t know
How comfortable I feel “pushing” that.

I really appreciate everyone giving advice as I am absolutely mortified for posting this. Just wanted to gauge what others do.

You need to be having this conversation with him, not us OP. I guess it all depends on what he does for you and how comfortable he feels doing that for longer. But there really is nothing wrong with asking for more. Dont let your ex partners attitude play on your mind. You need to learn to be confident and comfortable with expressing your needs. Even if it's a case of he waits for you to sort yourself out before anything else.

@Cheeseandwin5 'you may not realise but orgasms are both peoples responsibility, and the days are gone (if they ever existed) where one gender needs to be blamed if the sex isn't good.'

How did you get that from my post? I said nothing like that at all. I said that he shouldn't leave his OH still horny (well, that's not the ideal) as he can do something about it. The same would go the other way, but from what OP says her OH seems totally satisfied. It makes him a selfish lover if he then CBA to return the favour effectively (of course if he feels more upto it beforehand, that'd do the job just the same.

People can finish themselves off I suppose, (I do after I've seen my lover) but it'd make them happier with their partner if the partner sorts them out. Having to resort to sorting yourself out can be a bit bleak, as it shows the sex with your partner is not ideal.

@Cheeseandwin5 Interestedwoman who seem to want to blame your DH for the whole situation.'

Nope, that's not what I said at all. I meant that the ideal is to not leave your lover horny (on either side.)

@embarrassingsexone 'DH in the beginning was very selfish and sometimes never did stuff to finish me off. It’s taken a long time to get where we are.'

That's good. There's just still room for improvement. (Sex can be that way.)

'I don’t want him to feel too criticised and I feel very embarrassed and as if I am asking for too much. Eg he comes only once so why should I come more? If you see what I mean.'

Because women can have multiple orgasms or several more often than men (that's not a stereotype, it's a fact, often a bloke will come once and not need any more. Or some want twice, but that's it at most. I'm not saying this applies to every bloke, but it often does.)

The female orgasm is different, at least for some women. I know that I often need a few, or ideally to 'stay up' in that state for a while.

@interestedwoman

Thank you a lot for
Your posts - I suppose a lot of what I am looking for is just validation/confirmation that I’m not abnormal for needing a few orgasms and therefore feel a bit more justified in wanting them.

My DH makes me orgasm till i say i've had enough. That isn't a stealth boast there at all btw just how we have always conducted our sex life. He isn't satisfied until i'm satisfied and i am the same as you OP. I have never been able to orgasm from PIV alone. Nothing to do with my DH's 'methods' so to speak just the way my physical needs seem to be wired. And he will also see to my needs if he comes first, unless i tell him otherwise. I guess all relationships are different, no two ways are right for different couples. Maybe it's worth another conversation?