To be annoyed with my Dad`s behavior?

[FearlessSwiftie]

To start with, I am 22 now and I have really bad relationships with my father. The whole thing just sucks because of one simple thing: he does not listen to me ever.
Ive been writing my diary for like 12 years and recently I was looking through this old stuff. I came across the notebook that I had when I was 10 and there was a story of me telling my parents how me and my classmate were looking for the textbook, then mixed the books up etc. Nothing serious, just a story that was funny for a 10-year-old. So the note in my diary is about one evening when I was sharing this story with my parents (remember, I was 10 at that times) and apparently my Dad wasnt listening to me like at all. He just started to tell his own story in the first pause that I had made for remembering something. My story wasn`t even over! And he never listened to me!

Okay, so this example is here to indicate that he hasn`t been listening to me for more than a half of my life. Through the years we had several quarrels about how impolite I was for interrupting him (even though he was the one doing it and teaching me that). And yesterday we had the greatest quarrel of all times.

I had changed my job like 1.5 months ago and I told my parents that now Im working for the international IT-company. My work is connected to writing texts for their website. Ive been telling some news and funny stories quite often for about 6 weeks or so and yesterday it turned out that my Dad didnt even know where I was working and what I was doing. All this time he had been thinking that I work as an interpreter which Im certainly not. He was quite surprised to hear where I`m working and what my work is connected to.

That was the last straw. I yelled at him for ignoring me through the years, for never listening to me when I was talking and for listening just to interrupt when the first possibility comes. I also told him about this situation that had happened 12 years ago (the one written in my diary) and he told me that I was vindictive.

He never said sorry or looked ashamed, nothing of this kind. My Mom took my side but she is quite calm so she wouldn`t confront him which I perfectly know and understand.

Now I dont feel like even talking to him because why should I if he doesnt care?
AIBU?

I believe(d) that family is a synonym to love and support

this is a myth. Every family is different and in many families, parents don't care much about what their adult children have to say, are baffled by them, don't listen to them very well, hear what they want to hear, etc. etc.

It's really not strange at all that your father isn't hugely interested in you. Many many fathers are not interested in their kids, and especially in their daughters. It sounds like you haven't noticed this before, so it's upsetting you - that's fair. When I was 23 I noticed similar things about my dad and it hurt.

In any event, life went on and I accepted it in time. You will too, give it some time and space.

My gran was like this. If she wasn't interested or didn't understand what you were talking about she'd just blurt over the top of you - usually something equally boring or about someone we had no frame of reference about:

Me - I'm doing computer studies at school (80s so a big deal). We're going to learn to..

Gran - I saw Clara Miggins in the butchers on Saturday and her Charlie wanted leg of lamb for Sunday dinner but the butcher had none so (drone, drone waffle).

You're not being unreasonable, your dad is being rude and dismissive of you. Sounds a lot like mine !!

@ruthieness
Ive mentioned that Im not over talkative when it comes to him. The things that were really serious are the only points that Im expecting him to listen to and asking him to listen to. My DM&me are different story because we are talking to each other a lot but for him it is okay to come to the room and interrupt me without asking when Im talking to my DM or answering her question.

he "knew" better than his father
Correct me if Im mistaken but I didnt say I knew better than him etc. You see, the only thing that upsets me is that I do listen more than he does which doesnt look fair especially when he says Im supposed to listen to him just because he is older. Being born earlier is not an achievement in the first place so I don`t see the point of this "reason".

@rvby I have noticed that before but I didnt realise for how long it has lasted. And that situation was kind of the last straw for me but had nothing too surprising as this problem has been here for some (a long) time. But I still cant get used to it and, honestly, I dont think I will because most of the people Im communicating with are not like this. Still I agree that one day I may become indifferent to him and his behavior habits just like that. Hope this day comes soon :)

@iklboo I honestly dont understand that and probably never will as people around me are not like that. That sucks though, Im sorry :(

@MyOwnSummer thank you for your support & I hope things get better with you and your dad. How do you cope?

My dad died two years ago and he had no idea what I did, the various companies I worked for or anything to do with my life, ambitions etc. Some people are just now good at showing they care or are interested.

@msmith501 well, maybe, but my DM never pretended to be interested when she is not, same with my friends, boyfriend and me. I just dont see the point in pretending when you can simply say "Sorry, I dont care". I`ve done it multiple times and everyone was okay with it. I would be, too, because it is natural (unlike ignoring the member of your family when you are at good terms (supposedly))

My dad never listen to me, never cared about my opinion and whatever I tried to say or do it was never ok with him. Only his opinion was right and mine was wrong.
Never ever try to understand me. Im in low contact with him. Im 26 btw.. he doesn’t even remember my birthday 👌

Do you often feel like you have to hurry what you are saying because he is clearly waiting on his chance to talk?

Where I've seen people blurt over what others have said before like this, coupled with lack of interest in what you have to say - it's generally been because they are narcissists.

There's a 'stately homes' thread here that deals with that sort of parents, might be worth a read through to see if things ring any bells.

Or just google NPD and see if any of the other traits ring bells (they don't need all the traits to be one).

It's normal for a parent to care about what their child works as, or at least have a clue...

Does this just happen with you? The reason i ask is that my dh has hearing loss, particularly with sounds in the upper levels, so he struggles to hear women's voices but is a bit better at hearing men's. It appears like he is ignoring us when we speak, or that he doesn't take things on board, but a lot of it is that he just doesn't hear, or it takes more effort for him to tune in, so he often doesn't bother.
I think it must feel horrible to feel so under valued that your df doesn't bother to listen to you

Just checking, could it be a cultural thing?? Only I was watching this prog about this young lass..think she was Indian, who felt like her dad had full convos with her brothers but not her, even though she was the most like him (business minded ect) and do she transformed into a man and pretended to be a family members friend ect... and sure enough - full convo.

Ultimately she came clean and they talked and her dad said it was really a culture thing where women hung with women and men with men ect... but recognised that obviously he was letting her down and he needed to change his mindset.

Swiftie, you are powering ahead in your career and I expect you're respected, heard and validated at work. The contrast with home is painful, but you have a parent there who is stuck on 'transmit' mode and just doesn't know how to select 'receive'.

People like him are at the centre of their own universe and generally use the time when others are speaking to plan what they will say next. They are often just waiting for a break in transmission to jump right in, but your DF sounds as if he cuts straight across people without even waiting for a break. (What sort of driver is he? 😲)

Now, listening is a a real, high-level skill and it can be taught, though the person has to want to learn. I don't think he does, do you? He sounds pretty satisfied with himself.

Like a tone-deaf person with music, he has no idea that he's missing out on the joys of conversation; the privilege of accessing his DD's inner life; a thousand glorious opportunities to learn about others' lives. In the end, you have to feel a bit sorry for him, and then you have to let it go.

Just choose a really good listener if or when you find a life partner. Meanwhile, I wouldn't hesitate to cut him up when he talks for too long. What goes around comes around.

@Brig93 I'm sorry you have to face this problem, too. Sometimes it seems like my dad isn't satisfied with everything I do so i gave up on trying to make him happy with my deeds. Guess we will end up just like you and your dad because staying away from toxic people is easier than being around them.

@Pinkbonbon I can't remember a moment when he was waiting for the chance to speak, he just speaks over me and that's it. Once it turned out he didn't even notice I was answering my DM's question even though we all were in the same room. And thank you for your support and advice, I will look through the said thread and google NPD too

@HairyDogsOfThigh nope, the problem has been here for about 12 years and that was just the last straw for me. Plus my dad isn't like that with my DM so probably this is action of his choice, he just prefers to ignore some member of the family (me). Thank you for your support!

@Pinkbonbon no, I don't think it is cultural. There are some sexist jokes here and there in the media or pop culture of our country but in general the attitude towards women is respectful. Guess it is just him.

@NearlyGranny thank you for your support and kind words, it almost made me cry. And no, my dad doesn't drive, haha, guess it is good for all of us, people around included.
I also don't believe he will change much, adult people of his age do not change much, most likely that he will become even more stubborn. I'm lucky to have good friends and we listen to each other along with supporting but the contrast between them and my dad just kills me. Now I think I will try to let it go and give up the hope that he will listen to me one day. I still have people to communicate with and he apparently had made his own choice.