So sad...need a handhold.

[Feelingbereft]

I've been married for 20 years, with DH for 25. Have one dc, teenager.

We met in a third country, on the other side of the world. Not mine, not his. We were both living there when we met, and we lived there together for a few years, got married while we were there.

Came back to the UK about 15 years ago, shortly before we had dc. I had wanted to stay where we were, but DH was getting restless and wanted a change, plus he thought it would be easier for us to be near family if we had dc. For various reasons, neither of us really wanted to go to his home country so we came here instead.

Moving back was a big adjustment for me. I struggled a lot at first, but gradually re-adapted. Dh also struggled but we both thought he would adjust. Except he never really did. He has struggled to get regular and meaningful work, because his skills aren't valued here in the same way as they were when we lived overseas. He has also found it difficult to make meaningful friendships, though he has lots of acquaintances. Somehow, he just doesn't feel at home here, and his confidence has taken a massive hit. He feels like a failure and thinks that he has wasted his potential. This is hugely significant for him because he had a really tough start in life and overcame a lot to get as far as he had done when we first met.

I've tried to support him in so many different ways. Helped with job applications, introduced him to people, tried to support him emotionally. Nothing seems to really click. He has struggled with depression quite a bit over the years. This has affected our relationship quite a lot, though I have tried to be patient and understanding. He has tried hard too, but we have grown apart. His relationship with dc has also suffered. They get on ok but they are not close. He does make an effort but he finds it hard to engage with dc's interests because he is too wrapped up in his own angst. Dc and I are very close and he says he feels excluded. We do try to include him, but he isn't interested in the stuff we want to talk about/things we want to do, so we all end up compromising in order to spend some time together. We do all talk about stuff, and we can have a laugh together, but it isn't effortless in the way that it is with me and dc, and we all know this. DH says that he feels very lonely, and I do understand why.

Anyway, after trying for years to make it work, DH wants to go back to the country where we were living when we first met. He has the right to live and work there. He knows that I don't want to move - don't want to disrupt dc's education and don't want to take my dc so far from my elderly parents, to whom we are very close. So DH's proposal is that he will go, we will keep in touch via Skype and get together as a family once or twice a year.

I know he is desperate now and understand why he wants to go, but don't understand how he can go so long without seeing dc. I also feel that our relationship is essentially over if we aren't going to see each other regularly. He says he doesn't want a divorce (and neither do I really - I do still love him) but I can't see how our relationship can be sustained on this basis.

He knows I'm not happy with the idea, but I have said that he needs to do whatever is right for him. If I asked him directly not to go, then I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't, but it doesn't feel fair to keep him here if he is unhappy. And from a selfish point of view, I don't want to keep dealing with his unhappiness anyway. I guess I feel hurt that his family isn't enough to keep him here. I think he does love us in his own way, but I don't feel very loved right now. So I guess this is the end of the road for our relationship. We cannot realistically stay together if we're living on different continents.

One part of me feels relief at the idea of not feeling responsible for his unhappiness any more. The other part feels sadness at the fact that we couldn't make it work. I'm also a bit angry on dc's behalf because I don't feel it should be so easy to walk away. His reasoning is that dc won't miss him that much and will be fine as long as I'm around, and deep down, I know that he is right.

Nothing is finalised yet, and dc isn't aware of his plans, but I can't see it panning out any other way. And I can't sleep for worrying about it....

He feels like a failure and thinks that he has wasted his potential.

Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. Don't be surprised when it all fails to meet his approval once he gets to the other country OP.

If I were you, I'd be smiling and staying neutral. Let him go...he'll want to come back within 6 months I guarantee it.

Yeah, I did wonder if he might find it all fails to live up to his expectations and pointed out that he may be as unhappy there as he is here. He doesn't think so because he loves the country where we used to live. (FWIW, so do I.)

I'm less convinced that it's a mid life crisis as he has never really settled here, but maybe you're right.

I'm not going to try to stop him from going. I'm just so sad that he wants to.

You've explained all the reasons he needs to go. It actually doesn't sound like he's running from you guys.....but that he needs to find himself.

Don't write off your relationship just yet. Let him go and see what happens. (Unless of course you choose to end it). If it works out for him abroad and he is happy you could possibly look to join him when the kids are at Uni...Or maybe this will naturally be an ending for you both, but don't stress about it as you don't yet know.

I would go with him.

Yeah, I think you're right that he needs to find himself. I don't think he is running away from us, exactly. Just that we're not enough to keep him here.

I'm open to the idea of seeing how things go, but I'm concerned about how to explain things to our dc. And although it sounds shallow, I don't know how to explain it to everyone else we know either. It would be so much easier to say that we're separating than to say we're together but not together. Of course, I shouldn't care what the rest of the world thinks, as it doesn't really matter, but it is embarrassing somehow! And I'm worried that it's too confusing for dc, who will be left guessing as to what our relationship status is iyswim.

I would go with him.

I'm not willing to go with him unfortunately. Not at this stage in my life. It's too far from my friends and family. I'd have to give up my career. And it would be massively disruptive for dc, who doesn't even speak the language of the country in question. It's just not an option, and I'm not prepared to do that for the sake of our relationship. I'm not even convinced that it will solve his problems or make him happy. I can't throw away everything else for the sake of that.

You just be straight with your DC -dads unhappy and has gone to get a job in X country to be happier. As for others a simple 'hes gone for work' is enough.

What happens if he makes a success of things?

I have experience with having a long distance relationship with my husband. I fear it is not sustainable in the long term. A couple of years at best. Probably less if you can only meet up once or twice a year.

It looks to me that one of two things is likely to happen:-
He goes and is happy in his new life.
He goes but he misses his family/is unhappy/grass turns out to be not as green as hoped, and he comes back.

Either way I'd give him 6 months to a year to come back, and if he doesn't, separate permanently and get a divorce when you feel ready.

PS: I wouldn't worry about what other people think. Tell them what you feel comfortable with - also depending on how close they are. People may wonder, or gossip even, but so what.

I wouldn't go with him.

He sounds like he just needs to realise the grass isn't greener. He will either realise that, his attitude will improve and then he will make friends and get a job OR he will stay there and you will decide it's not a marriage any longer. Anyway put your kids first. It sounds like he's been a black cloud over you all for a while!

I think the problem is when he first arrived in the UK there should have been an agreement that after 6 months you would review it and if one party wasn’t happy then you both moved somewhere else until you found a place that suited both of you.

I have lived in places that I didn’t like. I found people were not on my wavelength so didn’t have any friends.
If I had a child that preferred my Dp to me I would have found it even more isolating.

In some respects I can understand the problem your dh is having and can sympathise.

Is there anywhere else you would be willing to move to as a compromise

You are not responsible for his happiness, he is. If he’s failed to be happy with you and dc that’s his fault alone, not yours. If he wants to move abroad that’s for him to explain to dc and for him to explain to your friends and family, don’t feel embarrassed for him or responsible for his actions in any way. He’s running away from his family and the life you decided on having together. He should have owned that decision and made it work a long time ago - I know many men who would have. You might feel sad now but it will turn to anger eventually and you have every right to be angry. Angry for the time of yours that he’s wasted and angry for deserting dc. Let him go, chances are he’s not going to find what he’s looking for.

Do not go with him, he’s happy to leave his family and sacrifice your happiness for a change of location, this is not a keeper sorry.

I'd let him go. He might come back but I suspect not. He sounds like he has tried for years to make it work but he can't and it's making him very unhappy. While moving back to the country in which you met might not be all it's cracked up to be for him, he might find there what he has never found here.

Sorry you are going through this

You moved back and have been here for a long period of time to make a life for you and your children.

All this time he really has been unhappy but he has stayed for you and your DC.

After such a long period of time, he has decided he has been unhappy long enough. He now wants to find his happiness. Though he compromised his happiness for you, you are not willing to let him be happy elsewhere.

No wonder he wants to leave and only cares that he sees you twice a year.

“No wonder he wants to leave and only cares that he sees you twice a year”

How is this OP’s fault? Are you blaming her for wanting to make stable roots for her family? If he was that unhappy why didn’t he leave BEFORE having a child? Plenty of us give up our dream job, or dream location to have a family. Lots of us make sacrifices for the sake of our children’s happiness. Most of us don’t try and run away afterwards though. If this was the mother wanting to move abroad and leave her child would everyone’s views be the same?

I would tell him to leave but you are not going to be waiting for him should it not work.

So the life he lived 25 years ago appeals to him more than the life he lived for 25years with his wife and child. After 25years if this isnt enough then do you want to waste a second of your life with someone who you arent enough for?

He seems to have made alot of excuses here. He couldnt get along with his son, maybe didnt try hard enough?
Couldnt find the right job? Not everyone has their dream job
Couldnt make friendships - that's his own issue.

He seems to have made you feel so responsible for his happiness that you are considering this idea of his. When in actual fact he has the audacity to want to abandon his family and still be apart of them. No doubt he will have his life there too and then you and DC as backup.
The fact he could walk away from his own child - that is unacceptable.

Brazi speaks a lot of sense. His talk of 'meeting as a family' is bullshit too. Families live together.

He's trying to not seem like the baddie here....and he IS the baddie. He's an adult with a child ffs! He can't just fuck off abroad! It's disgusting behaviour.

Honestly OP...do as Brazi says and tell him you won't be waiting for him. Tell him that there won't be any "getting together as a family once a year"

He can visit your child in the UK if he likes but family? He's ditching that.

I don't blame you for being sad...you have every right to be sad. He's acting abominably!

He sounds like he has tried for years to make it work but he can't and it's making him very unhappy.

I think this sums it up, really. He has tried, and so have I. I don't think it's his fault that he has struggled to settle. I can see why he thinks the grass is greener, and in many ways, he is right. But I have built my life here now, and so has our dc.

Oliversmumsarmy, you're right, in hindsight we probably should have given it a trial period in the UK and moved when it wasn't working, but I guess we both thought that time would resolve the issue. I don't know what happens if he makes a success of the move. I guess that's the end of the road.

Incognito, I haven't said that I'm unwilling to let him be happy elsewhere. I've told him that he should do whatever he feels that he needs to do.I'm just sad that this is how this have turned out. I'm not asking him to stay and be unhappy. I just don't see that the relationship is sustainable in the longer term if he goes.

His plan is to establish a base in the other country, and then to build up his own business. He then thinks he could come and go more frequently. There is certainly scope to do what he wants to do, in a way that there isn't the same scope here, but I don't know if he can make it a success.

Thank you for all of the posts by the way, they are helping me to clarify my thoughts. I think people are probably right about waiting to see what happens, but deep down, I think I know we have probably reached the end.

In some respects I can understand the problem your dh is having and can sympathise.

Yeah, me too. I get where he is coming from, I really do. I just can't see a solution that suits all of us.

I would be willing to consider a compromise move, especially in a few years after dc has gone to university, but I don't want to move thousands of miles away at this point in my life, and I think he has decided that the future for him isn't in Europe. It doesn't help that he has experienced a fair bit of racism here, especially in the last couple of years. He feels like his face doesn't fit. I hate that he feels like that, but I can't change it.

He is not a bad person and he is not making this decision lightly. I know that he cares and wants to do the right thing, but he also wants to be happy and to make something of his life. I can't blame him for that. I want the same for us both.

Everything you said in your opening post is how I felt when my first husband left (though it was for different reasons).

I think it's true that if you love someone, you set them free and that seems to be what your dh needs. Be prepared for dh leaving to be as mentally detrimental on your dc as staying would be on your dh though.

Good luck, it's going to be really hard but sounds like it'll be the best thing in the end.

Everyone seems to be skipping past his depression. It's not as simple as 'oh he liked his life better there' he hS really tried for many years. He has been working, he has been meeting people but depression is a serious issue and I can see how he would have gotten to this place. I can understand that you op don't want to uproot yourself or dc but it really sounds like he needs to go for his own sanity and mental health. It's not a selfish thing to do as he is no good to anyone in the current state that he is in. Let him try. Let him try and find some mental peace again. If you want to stay together in the meantime fine. If you don't that's also fine. But this isn't something that has been decided willy nilly. It sounds like it's been a long time coming.

If 15 years have passed is he likely to find work there, the job role and skills set may have evolved, friends may have moved on, economy and towns changed. Have you visited since? He has itchy feet and never settled but going back may simply not be the same or resolve his unhappiness. It seems a big risk for you and dc to uproot too. If he has work lined up could it be a fixed contract, then you all review.

Sorry, read on and see he plans to start a business. Is this realistic from a financing, regulatory and practical pov? How would he fund his life in the short term?