So sad...need a handhold.

[Feelingbereft]

I've been married for 20 years, with DH for 25. Have one dc, teenager.

We met in a third country, on the other side of the world. Not mine, not his. We were both living there when we met, and we lived there together for a few years, got married while we were there.

Came back to the UK about 15 years ago, shortly before we had dc. I had wanted to stay where we were, but DH was getting restless and wanted a change, plus he thought it would be easier for us to be near family if we had dc. For various reasons, neither of us really wanted to go to his home country so we came here instead.

Moving back was a big adjustment for me. I struggled a lot at first, but gradually re-adapted. Dh also struggled but we both thought he would adjust. Except he never really did. He has struggled to get regular and meaningful work, because his skills aren't valued here in the same way as they were when we lived overseas. He has also found it difficult to make meaningful friendships, though he has lots of acquaintances. Somehow, he just doesn't feel at home here, and his confidence has taken a massive hit. He feels like a failure and thinks that he has wasted his potential. This is hugely significant for him because he had a really tough start in life and overcame a lot to get as far as he had done when we first met.

I've tried to support him in so many different ways. Helped with job applications, introduced him to people, tried to support him emotionally. Nothing seems to really click. He has struggled with depression quite a bit over the years. This has affected our relationship quite a lot, though I have tried to be patient and understanding. He has tried hard too, but we have grown apart. His relationship with dc has also suffered. They get on ok but they are not close. He does make an effort but he finds it hard to engage with dc's interests because he is too wrapped up in his own angst. Dc and I are very close and he says he feels excluded. We do try to include him, but he isn't interested in the stuff we want to talk about/things we want to do, so we all end up compromising in order to spend some time together. We do all talk about stuff, and we can have a laugh together, but it isn't effortless in the way that it is with me and dc, and we all know this. DH says that he feels very lonely, and I do understand why.

Anyway, after trying for years to make it work, DH wants to go back to the country where we were living when we first met. He has the right to live and work there. He knows that I don't want to move - don't want to disrupt dc's education and don't want to take my dc so far from my elderly parents, to whom we are very close. So DH's proposal is that he will go, we will keep in touch via Skype and get together as a family once or twice a year.

I know he is desperate now and understand why he wants to go, but don't understand how he can go so long without seeing dc. I also feel that our relationship is essentially over if we aren't going to see each other regularly. He says he doesn't want a divorce (and neither do I really - I do still love him) but I can't see how our relationship can be sustained on this basis.

He knows I'm not happy with the idea, but I have said that he needs to do whatever is right for him. If I asked him directly not to go, then I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't, but it doesn't feel fair to keep him here if he is unhappy. And from a selfish point of view, I don't want to keep dealing with his unhappiness anyway. I guess I feel hurt that his family isn't enough to keep him here. I think he does love us in his own way, but I don't feel very loved right now. So I guess this is the end of the road for our relationship. We cannot realistically stay together if we're living on different continents.

One part of me feels relief at the idea of not feeling responsible for his unhappiness any more. The other part feels sadness at the fact that we couldn't make it work. I'm also a bit angry on dc's behalf because I don't feel it should be so easy to walk away. His reasoning is that dc won't miss him that much and will be fine as long as I'm around, and deep down, I know that he is right.

Nothing is finalised yet, and dc isn't aware of his plans, but I can't see it panning out any other way. And I can't sleep for worrying about it....

Kelly, you're right, I do want to set him free, if that's what he needs, but I'm worried about the impact on dc, and I want to minimise that as much as I can. From that point of view, I'm not sure if it would be better to say that DH and I are going to split, rather than some weird arrangement whereby we're sort of family but don't have much time together. I honestly don't know what's best. And I don't know what I want either.

mummy, everything you say is right. I truly hope that he can find some mental peace again. If this move is what it takes to make that happen, then so be it.

I think part of the difficulty I'm having now is that I'm feeling pressure (self imposed) to decide what this means for our relationship in the longer term, but perhaps I don't need to decide that yet. 25 years is a long time, and I'm not sure that I'm willing to give up on it just yet. Maybe I just need to wait and see how things work out.

LIZ, you're right that things have changed quite a bit since we lived there, but he has been back every year or two since we left, and he is pretty confident about finding work. The plan would be to get a job in the short term, and build the business up gradually. I don't know how viable his idea is, it looks quite promising but there are lots of variables and no guarantees. He has a lot of friends there still, including a couple who might help with his business.

I have only been back once since I left. Loved it, and would like to go more often but it isn't cheap.

You sound lovely OP.
I'd be concerned that someone who is suffering from depression is planning on moving to another country, alone, and leaving the stabilising factor in his life- you. I think depression can make you think that massive moves and changes of lifestyle will solve everything, but it will be massively stressful and lonely for him.

I think depression can make you think that massive moves and changes of lifestyle will solve everything, but it will be massively stressful and lonely for him.

Yes, I'm worried about that too Knickerbocker. No matter where he goes, he will still have to live with himself, and he may find that he feels miserable wherever he is. The thing is, he says that he feels stressed and lonely here, so I guess he thinks that things cannot get worse. I don't know if that's what he'll find in reality.

He comes from a very different culture originally, and can no longer fit in back at home. He feels that he doesn't really fit in anywhere any more, but has always felt most comfortable in the country where we met. He just wants to find his niche, I think. I just wish that had been here with us, and wonder if there are things that I could have done differently to help him adapt. Too late for that now, though.

Sorry, but when we have a family we can't do what we want, we have to do what is best for everyone. Plenty of women sacrifice their potential when they have a family and don't bugger off to another country to find themselves etc. He made the decision to move and it sounds like he never made enough effort. I've lived in lots of countries and instead of wistfully looking back at the good bits of a place I've lived I've made the most of where I am. It's a mindset. And if he can't even make an effort to connect with his child and is moaning about it then it just shows the type of person he is and I think you're too kind and forgiving and he needs someone to talk to him and tell him that he's being an arse.

Lots of people (me included) come from different cultures and have moved and gained different outlooks and customs etc. If he changes his mindset about not fitting in and instead he's rich with a variety of cultures then it's much better. I take the bits that I like from each of the places I've lived in - mentality, food, customs etc

This is such a hard situation for you OP. I really feel for you, particularly since it wasn't even your idea to come back to the UK. And it would be wrong to uproot your DC at the age they are.

Is this other country far away, and expensive to visit? I presume it's not Europe and a short flight or you could potentially see each other more often.

Does it have to be set in stone? Can he not go out and try setting up a business on the understanding that, if it doesn't work, he can come back? Maybe give it a finite period of a year, for him to try and see if he really is happier, if he can get his business off the ground, and then make another decision then, based on that?

I suspect he will find that things have moved on too far -friends have other friends who take priority, the country isn't the same, etc etc, and he will feel dislocated and unhappy away from you all. But he might not.

So I would say, given that your children are old enough to cope, give him the chance to go. If he decides to stay over there, then you decide whether you want to set him free or make arrangements to move back there when the children are independant (sounds as though they are older teenagers, university can't be far off).

Or he'll be back in six months, tail between legs and still depressed and unhappy, when you have another decision to make...

Lemon, it's far - long flight and expensive. Not easy or environmentally friendly to see each other often. I know we could talk on Skype but it's not the same.

Musti, I get what you're saying, I really do. When l lived abroad, I used to get mad with expats who spent their time slagging off the host country. I've always had the mindset of taking the best from every culture, and I think DH shares that. But this is different somehow.

He has tried over the 15 years. He has made lots of compromises. He has got used to the food, the weather, lots of the traditions etc. He has willingly gone along with these, but for whatever reason, he just doesn't feel that he fits in or has value here. And that's hard.

Maybe give it a finite period of a year, for him to try and see if he really is happier, if he can get his business off the ground, and then make another decision then, based on that?

Yes, that sounds sensible.

OP this sounds really hard, you sound very sensible.

As a pre opus poster has said maybe put some parameters in place, he goes for a year, gives it all he's got and then you reassess.

Wishing you lots of luck

Thanks Tokyo. Think we will need all of the luck that we can get.

I had wanted to stay where we were, but DH was getting restless and wanted a change, plus he thought it would be easier for us to be near family if we had dc.

But it was him who wanted to come to the UK!

Would he really be happy and not depressed and have things work out beautifully with work for him anywhere?

And now he fks off and let's you do all the work with your child while he lives like a single man?

You seem to suffer from what a lot of women from, I'll call it "supportive-itis" or "too understanding-itis".

*suffer from

How is he going to be fulfilled on the other side of the world without his wife and child? And he will have to make new connections both personally and after so many years, how realistic is it that he makes a success of his career? Is it a self employed thing? If not, and he hasn't worked in the field for 15 years, will his knowledge not be a bit outdated- will he need training?

I just think he's a man who is forever going to be chasing dreams and always looking for something to blame for his unhappiness.

I could tell you right now that if I moved to the other side of the world, I would have an amazing job with a massive salary (family business). Instead, a few years ago I did a qualification that brought me up to speed in my industry, started work in a brand new sector and slowly built up connections and knowledge and now couldn't be happier. Pre that I took a decade out of work because my ex's schedule and 4 kids weren't conducive to me working. Did I mope bemoaning my lack of career or remember back to the exciting places I lived in, the great food that I was missing out on?

Nope, I made lots of friends, I made the most of raising my kids etc.

I think you need to shake him up a bit instead of being so understanding. Why doesn't he study to be able to do what he did here? What is it he does?

I just think he's a man who is forever going to be chasing dreams and always looking for something to blame for his unhappiness.

There is potentially a lot of truth in this. I guess I don't want to be the person who gets blamed, so I'd rather let him go and see for himself. Who knows, he might find what he's looking for, or he might not.

You seem to suffer from what a lot of women from, I'll call it "supportive-itis" or "too understanding-itis".

There may be truth in this, too, but I'm no angel. I haven't been the perfect wife by any means. Sometimes I have been impatient with his unhappiness, sometimes I have distanced myself as a coping mechanism. I'm sure that there are lots of things that I have or haven't done that have not helped or nurtured our relationship. It's a two-way street, isn't it?

The fact is, I can see how unhappy he is. He has tried so hard to fit in and adapt. He has done additional qualifications, signed up for voluntary work, got involved in the local community as best he can. For whatever reason, he doesn't feel able to connect with people here in a meaningful way. I don't think it's fair for me to expect him to just suck it up forever.

I don't think it sounds too bad. He is moving to try to set up a business. Too support the family - that sounds positive. You can have anice holiday there once a year and he can come back to UK once a year. Yes, you may drift apart but give it ago.you should have some idea after a year and if the relationship is not working you could consider properly separating then.

What kind of work did he do there before?

Has he ever been treated for depression?

There are extra things to consider here.

1. no one is at fault. This is a difficult situation all around. Yes he wanted to move close to family in the first place, but he didn't know how it would turn out, he did what he thought was best at the time.

2. depression is seriously debilitating. It is difficult to constantly have to be around the people you love knowing you are unable to contribute emotionally. He is doing his best to contribute financially and is also physically present.

3. it can be burdensome all around. It is burdensome for DH to have to try and essentially fake it till he may or may not make it. It's burdensome for you to have to handhold your DH and DS through their relationship and I'm sure you're also having to do alot of the emotional load aswel. It's also burdensome for your Ds to try and have a more involved relationship with his father knowing his mind is elsewhere.

4. by letting him go there is no guarantee that everything will be hunky dory. This I 100% agree with. But you both obviously really love each other. So I think as some people have suggested maybe put a trial period on it. 6m-1y and then reassess.

5. put conditions in place before he goes. Eg he has to visit a doctor and put a solid treatment plan in place for his depression. He has to make sure you and DS will be financially Stable without him. Etc

6. I think this will give him a chance to breath and make mistakes without pressure of letting you down and will also give you and DS some breathing room and make the family home a less tense place to be which will help Ds focus more on school.

7. also as others have said, if it works out for DH abroad and you both still want to be together then you can move there once Ds is in uni and hopefully with there being a better heads pace he will find his way to having a good solid organic relationship with Ds again.

Don't really want to give too much detail about what he did before, but he was helped by the fact that he was fluent in several languages and very good at selling within that particular culture. Thought that those skills would be transferable but he has only found limited freelance work to use his language skills and his approach to sales doesn't seem to be particularly transferable. Like I said, it seems that something just doesn't click for him here in the way that it did there.

He has seen the doctor about his depression but didn't get on well with anti-depressants and stopped taking them.

mummykauli7, thank you for your post and for your insights. You seem to have a good understanding of the issues. I agree that nobody is to blame in this situation. We've all done our best, but it's difficult all round. I'll give some thought to your suggestions.

I have no idea how to send a private message on this. But let me know if you want to talk a bit more 1-2-1 I have experience being the wife of a DH with depression whilst trying to keep a family together. We also moved for his mental health, not to a different country but far enough to start again. I know how difficult it can be. I'm here if you need to unload.

Thank you mummykauli7, I'll try to work out how to PM you. I'm sorry to know that you've also had to deal with some similar issues.