Are there no decent men over 40 out there who want to commit?

[Spritesobright]

This is slightly facetious title as I'm in a newish relationship with a man in his 40s and I think he's lovely. We met after separating from our respective spouses following long marriages (neither of us had made the decision to separate).
But my boyfriend's ex recently broke up with her boyfriend and then confided to my boyfriend the reasons and that she now felt there was little hope in online dating as apparently there are no good men over 40 who want commitment.
I can't make out why she would say this to him. And is she right?

Well of course there are. I've got one, he's bloody incredible. There are just as many useless men under 40 as there are over 40.

I do think its a bit weird that his ex was "confiding" in your boyfriend, though. Maybe she finds it hard to meet good men because the good ones all figure out very quickly that she has boundary issues!

The suspicious part of me would say she's telling him for a reason...testing the waters and maybe she has realised the grass isn't greener after all.

If there aren’t, I think there are probably good reasons. This being Mumsnet, we head a lot from the perspective of women who’ve been in shitty relationships but very little from men; I’m sure that many men who are wary of committing because they’ve also been in bad relationships and view keeping things casual as a way of preventing it happening again. At 40, you aren’t an idealistic kid who thinks love lasts forever.

That aside, of course there are men over 40 who would like a committed relationship. Maybe your friend has been unlucky; maybe she subconsciously pursues emotionally unavailable men because she herself is actually afraid of commitment; maybe she just has shitty taste in men. Could be anything.

"The suspicious part of me would say she's telling him for a reason...testing the waters and maybe she has realised the grass isn't greener after all."
Those were my thoughts too, @qwerty543 - like she regrets ending the marriage.

To be honest, he was a bit of a mess when I met him but so was I, so we got on quite well and somehow managed to navigate that early uncertainty.

Comtesse I think that's true that a lot of people over 40 are perhaps more wary in general, because we've been there done that.

She's not actually my friend, she's my boyfriend's ex-wife. So if she has shitty taste in men then that doesn't bode well for my relationship...
I guess she's probably just feeling a bit lonely and hopeless after ending her year long relationship post-marriage, as many of us would.

@funnlittlefloozy I do think she has boundary issues. She met this guy while she was still married, got together with him a month after the split and then introduced their kids shortly afterwards. Then she moved to his town to be closer to him and now they've split up.

I do think she has boundary issues.
Its worth bearing in mind that people with these kind of issues often go for partners are co-dependant (ie. they give too much and take the role of the "grown up" in the relationship). So a current taste in shitty men might not be reflective of what got her into a long-term relationship with him. Some people just allow themselves to become extraordinarily selfish when they get older - just look at all the men who leaves their wives for someone giggly and shallow who's half their age! It's no reflection on the wives they abandon.

I'd echo the PP who said you become more wary after a traumatic break up though. There's a single female work colleague of mine who I admit I have feelings for - we "click" well, we're at the same stage in life and we get on brilliantly. I get the feeling its probably reciprocal. I'd never ask her out though (much as I'd like to) for the simple reason she divorced her ex and broke up their family because (her words) she was "bored".

Now, I'm not going to say she shouldn't have made that decision or it was a bad choice to make. She absolutely had the right to make that call. But my post-divorce brain says "if she can get bored with him and leave then she could do the same to me - and given we're all humans with flaws and all relationships lose their initial sparkle, she probably will". So, at the risk of sounding mercenary, dating her would be a bad log-term investment.

Tossacoin my ex basically said the same thing to me. He left the marriage because it "wasn't exciting anymore." Wtf?!

I think that's a great reason not to date someone as it shows a real lack of commitment and maturity.

My dating experiences post 40 have included many wanting commitment, but for the wrong reason. They have had bad relationship breakups involving financial ruin, and they are starting again at rock bottom. They are looking for a successful Fairy Godmother who makes it all better by supplying housing, food, gifts and a material future...in return for a 'man' at her side who doesn't make her feel like a social reject, an aged spinster, alone at the cattery, on the shelf, past her prime...and all the other terms used to oppress women who refuse to accept a rubbish relationship. To be honest, some of the conduct of colleagues/ friends has made me cringe at mid-life dating as a phenomena. They put up with all sorts of abuse, financial extortion and disrespect to keep their latest man 'happy' and by their side. I think it is possible to meet someone decent at mid-life, but it does require putting on the waders to get through the sewer left in the dating pool at this time of life.

What do you mean by "commitment" exactly? Marriage?

I have 3 friends who ended up single in their 30's after the end of marriages/long term relationships. They all dated a few people and are now with lovely guys who were all in their 40's when they first met. All have lasted the distance - 2 are now engaged and the other discussing moving in together. Of those men 2 were divorced due to their partners cheating and the other divorced as they had grown apart. They were happy to recommit to someone else and there don't seem to be any issues. Men who are in their 40's and have never had long term relationships are another matter!

@Scott72 by commitment I don't necessarily mean marriage or even cohabitation. I think I mean someone who recognises that, like pp said, all relationships lose their initial thrill and humans are flawed so relationships require a bit of effort.

But I imagine my boyfriend's ex means marriage or cohabitation. At least that's the route she was on with previous boyfriend.

@Spirit

@funnlittlefloozy I do think she has boundary issues. She met this guy while she was still married, got together with him a month after the split and then introduced their kids shortly afterwards. Then she moved to his town to be closer to him and now they've split up.*

Well no wonder they split up...didn't sound like a catch you would want to commit to

There are good guys over 40 who will commit but what I do see is them being a lot more picky and going for women who are more equal career and financially as they have been shafted once financially and have absolutely no intention of ever going there again. To be honest it seems to work better for the relationship them being more equal which reflects my marriage as well

That's interesting MarieG10 I do agree with you about equality being important in relationships and I would say my boyfriend and I have a more egalitatarian relationship than my previous one in that we share more in decision making and respect each other's views.
The law on divorce though does function on an equal basis in that both partners are seen as having contributed equally to the marriage regardless of who earned more money. Many women give up their careers to raise children and are left with the majority of the financial burden after the marriage. So I don't see how someone can claim to be 'shafted' after a divorce settlement when the starting basis is 50/50.

But I digress and that wasn't really the point of the thread. Hey ho.

I am now happily single but previous dating experience told me that men over 40 seemed to want lots of sex (usually with as many women as possible) because they were newly out of long-term marriages or wanted to jump back in to situations they were familiar with as quickly as possible (wanted to move in because then there was someone to cook, clean, complain about).

Either that or they were single and 'set in their ways' and didn't want to commit to having someone else around messing up their immaculately piled up paperwork.

I am sure that there are some lovely men out there who are just looking for the right woman to commit to an equal relationship with. But I haven't met any.

Attractive, emotionally stable men with decent jobs who want commitment are going to find it pretty fast and then be off the market.

@Spritesobright

So I don't see how someone can claim to be 'shafted' after a divorce settlement when the starting basis is 50/50.

I think when you get married owning a house mortgage free and already a substantial pension, married for 6 years and then looses a house worth hundreds of thousands and also part of his pension feels like his ex wife won the lottery. Disgusting really so don't be surprised when guys refuse to get married. I dint see how she contributed half in any way shape or form

Depends what she terms as commitment? People over 40 inevitably come with good points and baggage.
If ever I split up with DH, no way would I marry and potentially jeopardise my DC’s inheritance.

The "decent" ones get snapped up earlier in life. So the "pool" of decent ones in their 40s is always going to be pretty small, consisting mainly of widowers and men who's wives/partners have gone off with other men.

There'll still be lots of "non decent" ones, i.e. ones who caused their marriage to fail, ones who've never had a relationship, abusive ones, etc.

In my experience "decent" older men don't stay single for long!

Nice one here !

I’ve got a lovely boyfriend who is committed to me, he’s fab but took ages to find but am very happy.

I’m a mid-40’s guy and like to think I’m seen as a decent catch. Decent job, own my own home, keep myself in shape and look good for my age and no major baggage. I’ve had several LTRs in the past and my last finished in June last year after 8 years. We just drifted apart, and she met someone else.

I’d love to meet someone who I could settle down with, and fully commit to - but I’m finding it hard to meet anyone I like who also wants to snap me up! It’s interesting reading this thread as it gives me hope that I’m in high demand

I am not sure how many want to commit, but I know of plenty that should be committed!!

Catwiththehat Yes I fear I have inadvertently created the idea of a shortage of men via this thread - and that somehow means we should all go and snap one up or feel overly "lucky" if we're in a relationship.

You sound lovely, btw, that's not a slight.

@TheCatWithTheHat 🤣🤣🤣 it might be your lucky day

I don't think that's true Kazzy lots of us have 'snapped up' men early on who turned out to be anything but decent. There's far too much media hype about bagging the 'tall, dark, handsome' type as validation of one's own attractiveness for many women to be able to think clearly about character which it 99% of what matters in any relationship. As you get older you start to see through the hype.