Not by business so why am I so upset?

[familysaver]

My previously close male friend is very probably gay.
He can be derogatory about women and comment on their dress/ make up etc if he sees them as scantily dressed. This repulses him and he is vocal about his contempt for them.
He has a girlfriend. He has told her that he is not very interested in sex.
He does not get aroused with women but can perform.
His girlfriend is years younger then him and has many abusive relationships.She chased him and has submitted to his many demands for example , his need for space, his need to control every aspect of their relationship, his dislike of make up etc .
He is very happy to have met someone who agrees with and submits to his needs and wants but I am very worried about her.He said that she had an awful childhood and is deeply affected by it. He sees himself as a white knight.
She wants to cohabit, have children and
Marry. He doesn't want kids , fears commitment and is self Confessed selfish.He has not outright told her this , he just says he is not sure.

Yet he is the most charming, warm, loving
Man one could hope to meet.
He is kind and generous to her. He is attentive and prioritises her when
They are together.
She has no idea that he has no sexual interest in women, she believes as he told her that he just is not too interested in sex.. 'it's not personal!' They don't really have sex.
I see why he is happy with his lot. He has a lady in his life who does not demand, has him on a pedestal and is candy
On his arm in a very macho male dominated family and profession.
It is not my business but I feel awful that I know all of this and feel a type of guilt.
She is not my friend. I don't know her, only of her from what he tells me.
I've grown very much apart from him as I have no respect left for him.

Bump? Please

Have you asked your friend if he is gay?
You're right its not your business. However, if you feel that strongly about this girl getting hurt, why don't you talk to your friend about it? Tell him your concerns. Other than that, there isn't a lot you can do.

He sounds awful, tbh. Why are you friends with him?

Well, you could tell her what you've said here, but she won't end her relationship on the basis of what you've said. She might think things through a bit more and what you say might help her later, if not now.
But doing so will completely end your friendship. I think that would be the morally right thing to do but will have repercussions for you.
It's a tough one. You could talk to your friend but if he's selfish he isn't going to do the right thing by her.

Yes he has told me that he is sexually attracted to men.
I have been honest with him but he was angry with me as I spoke from a woman's point of view basically suggesting that he tread very carefully with her feelings due to her past experiences. He has quite the ego and I think he didn't like that I could see through the bullshit and was calling him out on his selfishness.
He believes that he is a sort of saviour to her and an awesome boyfriend but it's all based on a lie.

I really am not that close with him anymore. I've lost a lot of respect for him.

If you don’t want to be friends with him anymore then I’d tell her. He sounds like a nasty, narcissistic piece of work to me!

He is kind and generous to her.

No he isn't. He keeps her dangling like a puppet because he's a controlling twat.
He knows her past and he is further abusing her by doing this to her. He knows she will probably be devastated by it but hey he does it anyway.

I can see why you distances yourself from this pig.

She’ll know he isn’t a very nice person, she’ll already be insecure and sad about the lack of sex, she’ll know he’s only happy when she does as he tells her and she’ll know, deep down, that she’s not going to get marriage and children from him. Nothing you could tell her would be anything she didn’t already know herself. But because of her history of abusive relationships and thinking that a superficially kind, generous and attentive man is the best she’s going to get, she isn’t able to ditch him and look for better.

If there’s some way you could let her know that you’re happy to talk if ever she needs someone to talk to, do so. But she has to make the decision to leave him in her own time and on her own.

He has a knack of turning it around so that he comes across like a good and loving boyfriend . He likes to be seen as an amazing boyfriend. He has fooled many.
Underneath it all though, she has changed her appearance, she has chased him and hung around waiting for him to choose her and still basically tells her to go home when he has had enough time with her or when the boys come over.
I feel very guilty.I do need to think about it as if I tell her the truth , and the truth is only what he has told me, she will not leave , I doubt he will give her up as he has the perfect cover and I will be the nasty one.
There are no winners in this.
He absolutely visibly hates that I have seen through this and either spends ridiculous amounts of time trying to convince me how fantastic he is to her or else he does not mention her for weeks on end.

I'd cut him out of my life as a friend. He sounds horrible.

He’s being unkind and selfish to her so he can live out His lie. No wonder you have no respect for him.

I imagine she would disbelieve you, but it would plant a seed of found, and no doubt make sense of a couple of things that have been worrying her.

Yes I think he regrets telling me any of this. His mates and family have no idea I think

I'd tell her he was gay. I can imagine he'll keep her hanging on for children until she's in her 40s and its too late, and only then will he spill his true intentions.

Drop her a message anyway - she may not leave now, but your words may make a difference to the way she looks at him and help her put the pieces together when she's ready.

There is little you can do though so beware of guilt.

I have seen some of this in my long life and it is horrid. Unfortunately that girl has to live her own life and who knows, you know?

It would be very hard to be around that and be a silent witness.

The poor girl, she really should know. He is living a lie at her expense. When it comes out it will be awful for her. I would tell her as she is wasting her time

I think that he may stay with her though.
Being with her gives him kudos and hides his true self.He does not want to live as a gay man.He wants convention and tradition. A sexless marriage and all decisions made by him will not lead to a harmonious life and what happens then, she may either leave with or without children or else find sex elsewhere !she has a high libido.
He has told me so many intimate details about her I am Really disgusted now that it's all come together and I can make sense of it .

No, dont tell her. She wont believe you, you will waste your time. He has firmly got his claws into her. What you CAN do, if its possible, is ensure she knows you are there and ensure you not only distance yourself and also make sure you are distanced from this vile man.

This woman doesn't know OP, so she's scarcely going to draw comfort from knowing she's "there" .

The only options for op are to tell her / bollock him / do both / butt out completely.

Telling her is the best in my opinion because this woman is being gaslit to fuck, and even if she doesn't believe it now, it's a voice of sanity that may get through eventually.

Draw comfort?

Bizarre thing to say. I didnt say stroke her. I said let her know you are around and NEUTRAL. so if she asks, OP can say.

I repeat, do not tell her OP. I will guarantee he will have smeared you to her.

So according to you, 75renarde, a stranger, who you have no idea what they know or why they're saying it, says "I'm around and neutral" to you out of the blue and that's supposed to be useful in any way?

And the neutrality would clearly be untrue since a. you say he'll poison the well and b. it's not bloody true.

The usual meaning of making sure someone knows you are there is to provide support, which (bizarrely enough) is supposed to be comforting.

I would tell her. Selfishly, I would want to know I at least tried. Bevayaw when this all comes out she will wonder why no one told her.

I couldnt know a woman was waiting her life with this abusive piece of shit, that I knew and I didn't do anything.

She probably won't leave. But at least I would have tried.

I would tell her.

She may not believe you but it’s the right thing to do. I couldn’t stand by, knowing a vulnerable woman is being emotionally abused and lied to when there is a chance (albeit a small one) that I could stop it.

I’m curious to know why you haven’t spent as much time analysing your relationship with this twat of a man, as you have spent analysing his relationship with his gf.

‘Changing’ him, rescuing her, jealousy, what is your pay off being this misogynist’s friend?

Your continued ‘friendship’ with this twat says more about you than you are willing to admit.