Hypochondriac MIL missing her grandsons bday

[Kxspop]

Hi, I need a rant. It’s my sons first birthday at the weekend and we have arranged a lunchtime meal with close friends and family. My mother in law has various ‘quirks’ shall we say, one of them being social anxiety and another one being a complete hypochondriac.

Her and my partners dad both said they would come months ago. However for the last weeks the mother in law has hinted at feeling a bit dizzy, and she has done since November. She had a GP appointment yesterday after waiting for months to get one with the only GP that she likes (potentially the only one that panders to her different ailments?). Anyway, she was told yesterday that she may have Ménière’s disease which affects balance but can’t really be diagnosed, but they have given her anti-sick meds as a precaution.

However, since that appointment yesterday from the minute she left the GP office she has not been able to walk by herself and has said she can’t possibly come to her first grandsons first birthday party on Saturday. She will also bring my father in law down with her by saying he has to look after her.

I am absolutely fuming. It all seems too perfectly timed to get her out of her another social gathering. Is it in my right to say something? My partner would never say anything hurtful to his parents but he is extremely upset about it. Especially as they were the only family on his side going.

You are not going to get anywhere by saying anything. You can still have a lovely time without them. I think you need to learn to not get worked up about it. I say this as someone whose PILs never want to visit. We leave them to it and it is them that miss out.

Honestly it's probably better that she doesn't come than comes and spends the whole time talking about her possible illness.

You should not say anything because it will not help. But you can feel free to not invite her to things in future. At the end of the day it's up to her how involved a grandparent she wants to be.

Of course you don't say anything. I understand why you're upset but have a bit of empathy.

And now you won't have to listen to her endless complaining...
Bliss.

Not sure it would help to say anything, but I'd be annoyed too.

YABU to have such little sympathy about her poor mental health which is obviously making her life miserable. Feeling furious with someone with social anxiety is quite cruel.

I'd send them a message saying how sorry you are that they can't make it to the party, and maybe you'll see them another time when she is well. Then leave them to it. You can't make her come, or make her act like you want her to.

Their loss, OP. Hope you have a nice time.

Social anxiety can be crippling, and assuming that she could just 'pull herself together' if she wanted to, is really quite ignorant in this day and age. Health anxiety is also real, and your assumption that she doesn't really have anything wrong with her physically is quite cruel.

It's not the end of the world if she's not there, she's not doing anything to spite you, and I think you have to stop feeling frustrated and try to be empathetic. While I'm fortunate enough not to suffer those mental conditions, I've been around people close to me who do, and their distress has been very real.

Well she obviously doesn't want to come, possibly because of the social anxiety, so why would you want her there? Yes it's hurtful that she appears to be using this potential diagnosis as an excuse not to come - if she could walk into the GP's surgery then she should be able to walk out!

However, you won't change her so no point saying anything. As others have said, at least you won't have to listen to her complaining about her health!

Also realized it’s your sons FIRST birthday. He won’t even notice or care that she’s not there or remember the occasion at all. Her health - physical and mental - is not good. Poor woman. She deserves sympathy not anger.

Ménière's disease is bloody awful. I've had it for about three years. Sudden, unexpected severe dizziness so bad I'm bedridden as I can't even sit up and it can last for days, nausea and vomiting, sudden falls (smashed my face in earlier last year). Combined with severe tinnitus and increasing deafness. It's not just 'a bit dizzy' and they can diagnose it but ENT and audiology specialists will have to do tests and stuff.

Can you see her at her home on another day?

But surely she won't know how she feels until the actual day? Sounds like she is deflecting attention from a baby!!

Interestingly, and I’m not saying it’s the case here, but my husband got so bad with his health anxiety that it actually made him dizzy and he had weakness in his legs. I get that you’re upset but it’s not the end of the world and you will all have an amazing time regardless

Just got diagnosed with Ménière’s disease myself recently after having a lot of symptoms for months. I have started walking into the wall and doorframe because my balance is off, deaf in one ear which is also messing with my balance, sudden dizziness out of nowhere that is so bad it makes me feel like I am spinning one way and the room is spinning the other, sickness so bad that I was sitting next to the toilet for four hours because everytime I moved my head even slightly the dizziness would come back, which made me sick again.

Over the last two weeks I have broken my toe by walking into the wall and gave myself a black eye walking face first into the bedroom door frame. My head feels muffled, I am hearing things that are not there. tinitus, which I have never had before, just a general feeling like I am not all there in my head anymore.

If she does have this I feel for her. The way I have been feeling the last two weeks I wouldn't want to go to a party either.

Am pretty sure she doesn't enjoy living with awful health anxiety and social anxiety.
Trust me...it's pretty scary and no fun feeling like your life is at risk and you can't go anywhere out of fear.

I would assume from what you have said, that you will have a far better time without them there!?
Relish the peace and quiet.
Don't say anything. Just be breezy if she says anything.
'Not a problem at all MIL. We will still have a wonderful time even if you can't make it. So don't worry!'
Job done!

I think in the short term you go ahead with the party. You'll have a great time, lots of cuddles and attention and photos for DS with those that are there. Arrange a visit to ILs, take some cake. Explain that you can see that she's getting anxious at the thought of big groups so you won't invite her to extended gatherings, hope she understands and can still have a meaningful relationship with her grandson.
Going forward I'd be questioning the Menieres diagnosis (and possibly whether it was via gp or maybe Dr Google). This is going to be very delicate and it might be better for DH to take the lead here. Read up on it yourselves. A diagnosis from gp in their surgery without any tests doesn't tie with what a friend of mine went through. I know discussing age isn't really the done thing on MN but she could be 40s/50s with another 40/50 years ahead of her, it seems so sad to think of everything she might miss out on and maybe DH and FIL should find a way to broach treating the underlying anxiety

I think her social and health anxiety is probably more than a quirk; it’s effecting her daily life and I doubt she likes it any more than you do. By saying something negative you will just shame her.
I do appreciate that you’re upset but I think you need to appreciate and plan for the fact that she won’t be able to cope with social gatherings. I have a family member like this and we still do what we want to do but we would then make sure she’s involved somehow such as going to see her the next day. It may help to speak to her about getting some professional help but equally she may be resistant to this and you can’t force her.

Health anxiety and social anxiety aren't 'quirks'

@sfsoats it is a horrible disease, I hope things improve.

She is very ill one way or the other. My mil is often popping into a&e and there's a big fuss but it's not my place to say anything and neither should you. Just try and be kind.