Hypochondriac MIL missing her grandsons bday

[Kxspop]

Hi, I need a rant. It’s my sons first birthday at the weekend and we have arranged a lunchtime meal with close friends and family. My mother in law has various ‘quirks’ shall we say, one of them being social anxiety and another one being a complete hypochondriac.

Her and my partners dad both said they would come months ago. However for the last weeks the mother in law has hinted at feeling a bit dizzy, and she has done since November. She had a GP appointment yesterday after waiting for months to get one with the only GP that she likes (potentially the only one that panders to her different ailments?). Anyway, she was told yesterday that she may have Ménière’s disease which affects balance but can’t really be diagnosed, but they have given her anti-sick meds as a precaution.

However, since that appointment yesterday from the minute she left the GP office she has not been able to walk by herself and has said she can’t possibly come to her first grandsons first birthday party on Saturday. She will also bring my father in law down with her by saying he has to look after her.

I am absolutely fuming. It all seems too perfectly timed to get her out of her another social gathering. Is it in my right to say something? My partner would never say anything hurtful to his parents but he is extremely upset about it. Especially as they were the only family on his side going.

Well aren't you lovely!

It's a birthday party for a child who will not remember it happening or even have a clue what is going on. The party will not end because one set of grandparents can't make it, you will still have a nice time even with a reduced audience. Whether the illness is real or imagined, she feels unwell and unable to cope with the party!

Get a grip. Have some sympathy for a woman who is struggling for whatever reason to be involved. People do not choose to have health or social anxiety and it can be crippling. Supportive friends and family help but you obviously don't fall into that category!

TL:DR - No, it is not your 'right' to say anything.

A woman with social anxiety misses a social event! You must have been blindsided op. Who on earth could've seen this coming.

Yabu. Your 1yo won't care. She can't do social gatherings and she thinks she's ill. Next time, plan things around what you know - she will not come to a social gathering. Invite her separately or not at all.

Well... I can understand your disappointment. But with both manifestations of anxiety you mention, this will be a hugely stressful time for her (social occasion, with a newly diagnosed health problem?!). My guess would be that she is suffering immensely. I hope she feels better soon - anxiety to the extent it stops you doing things is horrific.
Hope the party goes well, too.

Health anxiety and social anxiety are awful. Really debilitating. Not being funny but missing a 1 year olds birthday get together really isn’t a big deal. It’s not like the child is old enough to realise! Surely she can come and spend time with you all on her own another time?!

Thinking about it, I actually quite do think you could "say something".... but let that something be "I'm really sorry you feel so bad at the moment that you can't come to DGS's birthday party. That must be disappointing for you. Is there anything I can do to make things easier?"

Your 1 year old won’t have a clue what’s going on.

I think you have to stop taking this so personally.

She is either actually ill or she has a mental health condition.

Neither is personal to you and is actually sad that she will miss out.

Be sympathetic and enjoy your day.

Whether she's afraid of falling over or might actually fall over, it will basically have the same effect. I had problems with vertigo from a bump on the head, and it's a) really embarrassing going out into the street if you look like a drunk as you can't walk straight and b) scary if you think you might hurt yourself falling over (again!).

I think you'll have to accept it for now, but in future she might benefit from some kind of therapy if on offer - whether or not she's physically ill, she'll need to get the confidence to walk around.

You could also try buying her a couple of those sticks people use to do Nordic Walking. They don't stand out so much on the street as crutches or a walking frame, and give you a little reassurance.

Note that if she suffers from social anxiety and thinks that you are judging her, then that will make her even keener to avoid you.

Thank you everyone for your replies. It has definitely grounded my irrational feelings this morning and I do understand that I was too harsh. We will of course enjoy the day with or without them, I just don’t like seeing my partner upset about the situation.

It’s pleasing that you are now beginning to understand about health anxiety (previously known as hypochondria) & social anxiety. These are two forms of mental illness that are crippling for the sufferer. Health Anxiety is not an attention seeking behaviour. Often the adrenaline levels in people with this condition are very high, which in turn causes symptoms which then cause worry, so a vicious circle. Even the simplest cold becomes sinister, a visit to the dentist terrifying in case a life threatening mouth cancer is found. To the outsider it all seems pathetic & laughable. In real life, for the sufferer it is torture. CBT has the best results together with anti depressants that are known to help anxiety as well.
It is annoying for you that your MIL doesn’t seem able to support her DGS. However if she genuinely has these disorders she will be suffering. As we know, it is easier for others to feel sympathy for an illness which is visible, rather than be mentally ill, which has no outward sign. It’s easy to smile & say you’re ok.

I think you might need to take your lead from your husband here. It must be a bit annoying, but he probably feels to some extent responsible for his family's behaviour, so if you complain about them then it might feel a bit like you're complaining about him (e.g. for putting up with it). Would he feel as upset about their absence if you said nothing?

It's good to read your update, OP. Mental health conditions can be frustrating for other family members, I know. But as it seems you have, it's important to recognise that they're just as real and life affecting as physical ones. It's always disappointing when people can't attend family events for health reasons, of course.

I have a parent who has severe mental health issues. I understand and support them but it doesn’t stop it hurting that I don’t get parental support that I can rely on. Your husband has needs and wants that are perfectly valid to have even though it’s not possible for his Mum to meet them. If this was the same when he was a child, then he would have had real needs unmet that he couldn’t meet himself and that does leave some damage. As a child it would have been out of his control, as an adult he is now in a position to meet his own needs even if he needs to get some outside help like counselling to help him do that for himself. When you have your own child, often aspects of your own childhood can come back to haunt but the joy of now being an adult is that you can find a way to process them and not let them affect your today. Your baby will not be impacted by this unless you bring it into their life. You can’t change your husband’s relations behaviour, but changing your reaction to it will stop it impact your and your husband’s lives.
Takes some practice but I’ve utilised “medium chill” as an approach. Not devised for my situation but it has helped me to have a genuinely lovely relationship without depleting me on the inside.
Hope you have a lovely day celebrating. First birthdays are also important as the first anniversary of when you became a parent... I was warned in advance it can stir up unexpected emotions for you...and it did. As your baby gets older it does then become more and more about celebrating them but that first one is an important anniversary date for you too.

She obviously has MH issues,be that the anxiety(social or medical) or/and the hypochondria. She might have an actual illness too.

If she had a broken leg/cancer/flu/ pneumonia would you be as upset? Maybe start looking at it that way. Something is obviously wrong even if you can't see it . The best thing is to give it the least attention and headspace as possible and assume she won't be at future events, but would be a nice surprise if she does come. Explain it the same way to your partner.

Even if she's simply an attention seeking dick, it still isn't about you or him. It's not personal. It's about what she needs. Don't take blame or responsibility for it. It is what it is.

You can support your upset partner by saying oh what a shame but never mind we will take lots of photos for mil and face time her and hopefully that will cheer her and fil up about missing the party and by showing him and your mil kindness and compassion

I have a friend with menieres and when it’s really bad it horribly affects her quality of life, ability to work, look after and enjoy her dc etc.