Struggling to get over what happened..

[Namechange2099]

13 months ago my husband went to a big city 2 hours away to get his “phone fixed” (Apple shop)

He acted very suspiciously when he came home. When he went for a shower I looked at his phone and there was a call to a strange number. I googled the number and it was a prostitute basically, posing as a Thai masseuse. I confronted him that night and he told me he called the number and arranged to go but never went.

Over the next few days it was very obvious he did in fact go.

• He took £90 out a cash machine and when I asked him where the money was he couldn’t show me, he also made up excuses that he paid for parking etc when there was a payment for the parking on his bank statement

• a few days after that there was a payment to the council of the city he went to. Turned out he got a fine for driving in a bus lane near the prostitutes house

I have moments where my emotions are abit up and down and unfortunately they are down at the minute and I can’t stop thinking about it

Forgot to mention he told me he thought it was an actual massage place, but got there and realised it wasn’t... so he left.

This is coming from a man who had never had a massage in his life

So sorry OP. I've been there and feel you. It's shit. And he's trying to minimise it as much as he can even when you have the evidence he's not telling you the whole truth! Decide where your lines and boundaries are. Decide if he's crossed them. Decide if you can move on or not. And here's he most important bit - take your time! You don't need to decide now, if you know then great but if your heads a mess because "it's not an emotional affair, maybe he didn't sleep with her, it was only once..." anything else - take time for you. And let yourself feel the emotions and work it out. It's what I wish someone had told me, because you'll get a lot of "ltb" but in real life sometimes it's not so straight forward. What's your situation? Living together/kids etc? How hard is it to start over if you decide its gone too far?

Sorry this is happening to you OP.

My family live by the saying "you can trust a thief to steal from you but you can't ever trust a liar".

He's not been honest with you and it looks like he has no intention to.

If he had opened up about what he had done and why he felt he could and should do this then you might have been able to work through it.

But he's not even respecting you enough to tell you the truth.

Cut your losses.

I'd be gone regardless of how far he actually went when he got there and whether he thought it was 'just' massage. He sought this person out, sneaked around to go there and lied to you about it, thats enough OP because now you will never be able to trust him again. I'm so sorry

Fucking Hell, bin him

I hope you’ve got rid of him Op, you know deep down he 100% went to a prostitute, and then made up multiple lies about it!

I’m so sorry, OP, you must be devastated. I hesitate to add to your worries, but I have to warn you to get an STI check. And if the “masseuse” was indeed Thai, there is a high incidence of both HIV and hepatitis in Thailand and it’s possible she is also infected. As it is if she is British too, of course - many prostitutes are drug addicts.
Get a health check, then sort out your finances and get legal advice before planning to divorce, if that’s what you want to do. Don’t tip off your husband or he will empty bank accounts, conceal income details etc.

We are still together. We have 2 children aged 3 and 6 so they are what’s keeping us together.

If we were to split I wouldn’t be in a great situation financially and I also worry about my 6 year old, she is very used to it being mum and dad together and think she would really struggle if we were to split.

He has told me in the past he would never do counselling so I don’t really know what I need to get past this. I would like to move past this for the sake of our children, call me a doormat or whatever but they are my number 1 priority. Maybe counselling on my own? I just don’t know.

I agree I need to get an STI check, it’s just the shame of it and having it on my doctors records I saw online that England have an STI checker you can get online for free but I live in Scotland and to buy one would cost £100+ and I don’t have the money for that at the moment

Go to a clinic it wont be on your gp records-unless its different in scotland

First of all the fact he won’t admit it is a problem. You can’t really get past it as a couple if he doesn’t admit it. You need to say that to him and if he isn’t willing to even do counselling for the sake of your marriage that what does that say about how much he values your marriage and how willing he is to fight for it.

Seems he was destined to get caught out on this. He could not have blazed a trail brighter. He's crossed a very hard line IMO. If you find yourself looking for reasons and excusing him on this, you need to think strongly about why your boundaries are so low. Sorry, it should be an LTB.

Urgh. He continuously lied to you, is that really what you want to model to your children?

Don’t stay together for them, imagine how mortified they would be when older if they ever caught wind of you staying with him because of them.

Life is short. Move on.

Could you tell him that you know he lied, you can't bear to be treated like an idiot, and you'd like him to leave?

Would that scare him enough into telling the truth? I'm hopeless at knowing how men work 😆 so I'm not sure. But I do know that you shouldn't be made to stay fearful and crushed, having all this whirling round in your head.

Why can't blokes keep it in their trousers? Their insane urge to shag as many different fannies as possible has wrecked so many lives.

Your children will be happy to have a happy mum and still see dad. Was he thinking of your daughter when he googled Thai massage, when he told you he was going to an iPhone shop, when he drive 90 miles or paid for it. No. And personally, if I thought my mum had put up with that behaviour for financial reasons I wouldn't respect that decision. He sees women as commodities that's another issue on top of all the lying. Don't stay with him he will make you miserable and that won't do your children any good whatsoever

Hi OP, sorry that you are going through this and seeing this is 13 months ago I'm guessing you don't know what to do about it. I understand your wanting to stay together for the DC. However if there's any tension in the house they will pick up on it.

I'd suggest to keep on trying to talk about it with him and at least try to find out if it was a one off or an ongoing thing. If he has put or is putting himself at risk of STIs and then having sex with you then at least ensure he wears a condom with you. From a quick google STI testing is free in Scotland and you can go to a clinic or a GP. With not knowing where you live, start here: www.sexualhealthscotland.co.uk/the-clinic

As for the shame of getting tested - don't be, it's being responsible for your own health - just as your DH should be responsible for his and also get tested. If neither of you were tested when you got together (very important to do so if either of you have had any previous partners whatsoever) perhaps suggest you both go together - you could make that the deal breaker if you like and say (if you never did it then) you want to do it now for peace of mind. Btw quite a few women do this annually even if in a monogamous relationship, they see it as a sexual MOT and looking after themselves.

I'm so sorry. What a horrible discovery.

There is no excuse for him seeking out a prostitute behind your back. He is also lying by minimising what he did. As if anyone pays 90e for a massage. Don't let him take you for a fool.

I would not be able to look at him let alone trust him again!

And his benaviour since?

This is absolutely disgusting OP. It wasnt a case of being drunk and being abroad and peer pressure. Or working away from home for a long time and being lonely (both of which I dont think are acceptable by the way but both are slightly more common / understandable). He deliberately did a 4 hour round trip specifically for this. Of course he slept with her, if you can tell she is a prostitute from a quick google search, he did know (and nobody travels that far for a massage).

I doubt this is the first time he has done it.
He didn't even bother to cover his tracks
He is lying to you
He is treating you like you are stupid with his obvious lies
You will not get over this while he is not being completely honest about how many times he has done this and why and what he wants to happen next
You cannot get over this by yourself if it's an issue with you as a couple. If he is not invested in sorting this out it is over
He will do it again and cover his tracks a bit better

I am sorry to be so harsh OP but I do think you need to leave. There is no rush but work towards it. Your 6 year old is still young enough that they will adapt really quickly. Far better to do this now instead of waiting til GCSEs.

Google sti clinic in your area. In England they have separate clinics and the information doesnt go to your GP if you dont want it to. Otherwise just go to the GP, you havent done anything wrong and have no need to be ashamed, the shameful behaviour is all down to him. Just say your partner may have cheated and you need a full STI check, they will have heard it a million times before (if you can face it tell them with a prostitute as they will be more likely to do blood tests for HIV etc)

Good luck

There is lots of advice on here about how to leave if and when you decide you want to

13 months ago? And he's never admitted it, told you everything, said why he did it, apologised profusely for lying and cheating, and promised to do everything he can to make it up to you and never do it again??

Until he does all those things, op, your marriage is dead in the water.
And it may still be dead if he does do all those things.
You can choose what you want to do.

He broke your marriage vows - he should be desperate to make it up to you. If he isn't, why do you want him??

If you haven't had an STI check in 13 months it's probably safe that you haven't got one but have you had sex with your h in those 13 months? You should be able to get a free STI check at your local GUM clinic - why haven't you looked into this sooner? BTW there is no 'shame' for you to have a STI check. The shame is all your h's.

I can imagine how gut-wrenching it is for you with all this whirling around in your head. Your h has been a real shit, and you don't deserve this. Will you ever be able to trust him again??

BTW your dc will be happy with a happy mother, not two unhappy parents.

Your children won't thank you for not showing them they should be treated with respect and honesty from a partner.
If this was your daughters situation.. what would you be advising her ?

Oh OP, please get yourself STI tested.

Your "D"H is a liar and happy to use family money to shag a prostitute please tell me you haven't slept with him since the discovery of his deceit?

Better to be single and raise happy dc's.

Oh god no. Sweetheart you need to leave him. If you dont now, you will at some point anyway. Your husband went well out of his way to go and fuck some nasty thai women....how can you ever forgive him? This will eat away at you. Never stay in a relationship for the kids....it has been proven from here to eternity that choosing that life leads to misery for all.

I am so sorry he did this to you. You should leave before he does it again...or similar....because he will once it all quietness down and hes confident hes got away with it .

This may not be the first time he's done it, just the first time he's brazenly failed to cover his tracks properly. Is it a sign of increasing disrespect towards you, OP? Because using a prostitute (which he did, no question, he's only confessing to stuff he knows you can prove, anything else he knows he can deny because there's nothing you can do) isn't just disrespecting her (she, at least is earning from it) but it's disrespecting you and your children.

If you can't talk about it, and this is the top of the slippery slope, then I'm afraid your marriage is doomed, however much you want to 'stay for the children'.

I agree with others that is sounds like he might have wanted to be caught.

Maybe you should consider counselling for yourself so you can talk through this and work out how you can ‘get over it’ if that’s what you want.