Struggling to get over what happened..

[Namechange2099]

13 months ago my husband went to a big city 2 hours away to get his “phone fixed” (Apple shop)

He acted very suspiciously when he came home. When he went for a shower I looked at his phone and there was a call to a strange number. I googled the number and it was a prostitute basically, posing as a Thai masseuse. I confronted him that night and he told me he called the number and arranged to go but never went.

Over the next few days it was very obvious he did in fact go.

• He took £90 out a cash machine and when I asked him where the money was he couldn’t show me, he also made up excuses that he paid for parking etc when there was a payment for the parking on his bank statement

• a few days after that there was a payment to the council of the city he went to. Turned out he got a fine for driving in a bus lane near the prostitutes house

I have moments where my emotions are abit up and down and unfortunately they are down at the minute and I can’t stop thinking about it

Thank you for the replies,

There is a chance he has done this before as he will sometimes stay overnight in this city for work training

I never thought he would have wanted me to find out but when I remember him saying to me, if you want to end things I totally understand but I never. He was maybe wishing I would have. He’s the type that would rather I finished things so he can blame me.

OP what you need to ask yourself is why are you staying? If it's for the children maybe reconsider, as if this has been ongoing like you suspect the children may indeed find out later on if he continues and think that it is normal for men to carry on that way and women stay, or they may resent their dad for continually hurting you.

He's probably living on the thing of it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and if he is leaving breadcrumbs for you to find to potentially leave him, what will be next?

Maybe list the reasons why you want to be with him and why you don't and weigh them up. Staying together solely for your children's sake unfortunately usually doesn't do them any good. Xxx

Oh bless you. Funny that he went to get a massage TWO HOURS away and didn't tell you, isn't it? I'm from a rural area and there are spas and massage places dotted around - you don't have to drive two hours. Your don't have to get over it and I'm not sure there is any way back from that. Don't sleep with him ever again, for the sake of your own health. You just can't take that risk.

Also you mention that you're afraid he might blame you, or think he might blame you for splitting up. Jesus he wouldn't dare, would he? Would he actually risk you telling people why you split up?

So he can spend 90 on a hooker, but you feel bad about spending 100 to make sure he didnt make you ill in the process

I doubt the first/only time he did it would happen to be only time you caught him. No one is that unfortunate.

How have the last 13 months been?

It is almost certainly not the first time.
He lies to you and has sex with prostitutes.

Split up now while the children are young enough to not understand what's going on.

I’m staying because I’m scared of being on my own. I am 27 and been with him since I was 18, he’s older than me also.

I’ve been looking back dates of his training courses along with online banking. In February 2016 he was away for 4 nights to this same city. He told me he would wake up, go to the course, get dinner from a garage and go back to the hotel but he managed to withdraw £410 over the course of 3 days. He must have been doing it then too.

You are only 27. You do not have to get over his lies and betrayal. If you still feel like this 13 months on it is only going to eat away further at your self esteem and mh. He will see no reason to apologise or address it all the time you stay put. Chances are he is still finding opportunities.

Do you still want to be feeling like you do now when you are 77?
How many prostitutes will he have shagged by then?

You are only 27.

OP, you can go to a Sandyford GUM clinic in Scotland. They handle a wide range of gynae-related services, not just STI-screening. Hell, I was there to have a suspected resistant and recurring yeast infection investigated!

From experience, your visit doesn't get shared with your doctor to go in your records unless you allow it to - you can request it doesn't. There really is no shame in going for a sexual health check-up though and the folks there are really great.

Fwiw, I think you deserve miles better than a man who gets his rocks off by using family money for (not so) cheap sexual thrills.

OP I'm sorry but if he continues lying to you like this then there's nothing to work on. You deserve far far better.

Please go to a sexual health clinic and get checked. There's absolutely no shame. I've been to ones many many times to get contraception/get my coil checked. They can do a full STI screen and I've had many done even though I've not attended for that reason. A lot of people aren't there because of STIs. I promise you there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

There should be no shame in an STI clinic, in fact grown adults with an active sexual life should be ashamed of NOT going and checking.

What would be a shame is if HIV or Hepatitis of Syphilis took you away from your kids because your H (cannot use the D!) has been a filthy abusive bastard sleeping with probably trafficked, definitely vulnerable women for money.

You HAVE to get checked.

And you HAVE to leave him. You are strong enough, your kids will be fine. What they won’t be is fine if you stay. They will know they have a destroyed and unhappy mother whatever fair front you put on, they may never tell you because kids don’t, but they’ll know, and they will fashion their relationship expectations on it.

Do you want this for your daughter? For your son?

Life is too short for this crap.