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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Inability to manage his time

31 replies

Mikethenight2good · 15/01/2020 20:25

I am tearing my hair out lately with my husband inability to manage his time better......

Examples include; tonight he had to do dinner and sort the kids out for bed by himself because I had to work late. We both knew this yesterday so nothing unplanned. He has worked from home today...and everything is late. The kids were still up past their bed time and dinner hasn't been started. I do this time solo regularly and just plan ahead so we can have a evening.

Our child care is away on holiday. We sit down and plan out how we are going to manage and who needs to cover when. Then on Tuesday he rings me he can't cover one day as he didn't check his work diary.

I was out most of the day with the kids on Saturday. He was home. There was no laundry put on / dinner sorted / job done. He did stuff but was faffing (he tidyed up apparently but it sounded like 20-30 mins max).

There are loads of other examples. Things never get done on time or I am constantly nagging so it is done....

I feel like screaming JUST GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

And for reference yes he has always been like this. But I was shit at stuff before the kids and have had sort it out otherwise since their were born. So always being like that doesn't mean it's ok to continue...

OP posts:
3rdchristmaslucky · 15/01/2020 20:29

Set a shit load of alarms on his phone.

rvby · 15/01/2020 20:33

It's probably just the way he is. He was always like this. People don't change, typically.

I'd just have him pay for extra help at home - meal delivery, etc.

There is literally no point getting worked up about it because it will do nothing. Sorry.

Washedoutlady · 16/01/2020 21:18

As long as he's trying it doesn't matter he won't be as good as you. Try not to criticise too much.

bunny85 · 17/01/2020 15:42

My husband is very similar. I have to ask otherwise chores won't get done around the house, I have to remind him about certain things even when he's at work (for example to call the bank/plumber etc) and he ALWAYS leaves everything for the last minute. I decided to just accept it, that's who he is and he doesn't do it intentionally, and nobody is perfect, so I suppose best is just to learn to leave with it and not nag too much. At least they are trying Grin

LannieDuck · 17/01/2020 16:16

I think you probably have to make him live with the consequences. I imagine at the moment, you sort it out for him? Do you think he does it on purpose so you'll help him with these chores?

If you get home and the kids are supposed to be in bed and the dinner is supposed to be on... leave him to it and put your feet up. (Or if that's a little harsh, offer to do the kids while he does dinner, but certainly don't do both).

He forgot to check his work diary? Ok, no problem - he needs to figure out childcare for that missing day then.

If he said he would do dinner and laundry on Sat, leave him to do it when you get home. He faffed earlier, presumably intending to do it later... so let him.

CheddarGorgeous · 17/01/2020 16:19

He won't change unless you start making him feel the consequences. If he's agreed to pick up the kids and then say he can't what happens?

AgentJohnson · 17/01/2020 17:05

Your problem isn’t his poor time management (he would have been sacked by now if it was), the problem is that he doesn’t see childcare and housework as his responsibility. It’s your primary role and you should be grateful for what little he does because ’he does more than most men’.

Stop picking up his slack!

FinallyHere · 17/01/2020 17:08

Agree, let him face the consequences

eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 17:12

It's not time management, it's that he sees lifework and childcare as your job. This is who he is. He was always like this but you continued to procreate with him. Stop picking up the slack for him. 'Didn't check my diary.' 'That's a shame. Well, you'll have to figure something out.' Stop doing his laundry. He runs out of it, oh, well.

Never understood why anyone would want to shag or procreate with a sexist like this, but well, you'll have to make the best of it now.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/01/2020 17:20

Why would he bother getting his shit together.. Confused

He has You running after him ... why the hell would he even care... ?

Cambionome · 17/01/2020 17:26

At least he is trying..."

What a load of absolute shit! He needs a kick up the arse!

Interestedwoman · 17/01/2020 17:41

I can be like this. I've been told I'm just crap many times in my life, but in fact I have some ADHD. I wasn't diagnosed until I was about 41.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/01/2020 17:52

He's a lazy arse waste of space OP.

Milkcomesfromcows · 17/01/2020 17:53

ADHD?

No, this man is straight taking the piss.

Agree with all the posters who say stop doing shit for him and cleaning up his messes.

Guarantee it won't happen again.

What a lazy cunt.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/01/2020 18:18

What a lazy cunt

I love this phrase .. it makes me laugh out loud lol Grin Grin

eminencegrise · 17/01/2020 18:47

Funny, he manages to have his shit together and organise his time appropriately at work or he'd get sacked.

Runnerduck34 · 17/01/2020 19:14

Sounds like he's disorganised with everything, maybe getting a wall planner/ timetable would help, took DH ages to realise that to get DC in bed for 7:30pm, dinner had to be served at 5pm! If he is genuinely trying and just naturally disorganised I'd be frustrated but if he managed to be organised on stuff that's important to him and just wasn't bothering with house/ childcare stuff I'd be fuming.

Missarad · 17/01/2020 20:23

Put pasta on stove ready for him to turn on. Leave ketchup on side. Leave a note when needs turning on and when needs turning off

velocitygirl7 · 17/01/2020 20:27

Sounds like my dh. He's very recently been diagnosed with adhd, google the adult symptoms, my dh ticked nearly every box!

BumbleBeee69 · 17/01/2020 21:25

Funny, he manages to have his shit together and organise his time appropriately at work or he'd get sacked.

Exactly...

SerialM · 17/01/2020 21:33

Mine is Exactly. The. same.
It's grim.
I have also discovered that the more I try to plan, the more he rebels like a teenager.
This week, my DH also didn't tell me about a work commitment he had on his childcare evening (I also had to work late) and we had zero childcare. It's pathetic and ridiculous. I ended up changing MY work hours to accommodate his mistake as he HAD to work where as I was able to be flexible if hugely required. I have to work on my day off to make up for it though!
We have a shared calender on the app- cozi where everything is written on so both of us can see- he also receives an agenda everyday.
I've had to let certain things go- bedtimes etc. Leaving the house with him is still ridiculous as he holds everyone up, so I try not to leave the house with him much if I can help it.
Tbh, it has.ground down my feelings towards my DH and I will eventually leave him. I didn't sign up to Mother an adult-sized baby. I am lining up my ducks...

PhilCornwall1 · 18/01/2020 06:39

At least he is trying..."

Yes, he sounds very trying!!

Egghead68 · 18/01/2020 06:44

What Lannieduck said.

Original poster
Mikethenight2good · 18/01/2020 08:44

Thanks everyone...it is tiring to be honest and serialm I feel very much the same.

Thanks for the suggestions..I have a wall planner and shared personal diaries. I also nag like hell when shit really needs doing.
I also find him incredibly negative which is draining.
I really need to think what to do. The whole thing wears me down but I don't want to break up a family home.

OP posts:
borntobequiet · 18/01/2020 08:55

This has been linked to a number of times on Mumsnet, but it’s always worth a read:
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288