Looking for a backbone

[wipeclean]

I need to separate from controlling DH - for mine and the children’s wellbeing but I just feel paralysed and unable to act. What the hell is wrong with me? Where has all my strength gone? I’m so scared. I feel like I am about to put a bomb underneath everyone’s lives and all I want to do is run away and hide. Should I speak to WA? My GP? How do I get him to leave if he refuses to go? Just don’t know how to even have that conversation!

You will get lots of help here though you may need to bump the thread in the evening. Do you have any properly supportive friends or family who will have your back? If you do I'd start there, problems are easier shared. If you have things the GP can help with, your mental health or his abuse for instance, I would also go there. They are totally confidential but will also give you evidence later if you need it. As far as how to tell him and get him to leave, I don't have experience but others will.
It's obvious why you feel paralysed, you are being abused, but clearly you know that and you owe it to yourself and your kids to split from him.
Good luck!

It's overwhelming, it's a huge thing to face and it's a natural reaction to feel paralysed.

It's always best to start by preparing and gathering information.

1. Legal Advice which you can obtain from the Family Law Panel
2. Advice on contact arrangements, maintenance, finances etc you can get from Gingerbread, they have a helpline: www.gingerbread.org.uk
3. Safety planning and other advice on domestic abuse you can get from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247
4. You can read up on how to go about divorce or separation here. It's best to read it through first before taking any action: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/ Advice varies depending on where you are in the UK, this is for England so tap the box with 'England' on it to find info for where you are if you're not in England.

Thank you so much for replying. I can’t really speak to family but I have some good friends who are aware of some (not all) of the issues. I have also spoken to my GP in the past who was great but again I didn’t tell her everything. I feel so ashamed that I have tried to just smooth everything over and keep things calm rather than actually facing up to things. The children are getting older and I know it has affected them. They are scared of his moods and temper and I should have stood up to him sooner.

Thank you for all the resources, I will make a start.

Keep it at the forefront of your mind OP that you are ending the relationship due to your partner's abuse and for the sake of yours and your children's mental health. See if you can get any counselling in order to talk this through with someone in a safe and confidential space. You can try BACP to find a therapist: www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

It would have been nice to have stood up to him sooner but you're doing it now. That's what counts.

OP please don't blame yourself and put yourself down. You are NOT the cause of any of this, you are doing your best! The great thing is that you've recognised it for what it is and are resolved to do something about it. Make a start, anywhere, don't expect to all happen easily but equally don't build up all the problems in your mind, just tackle then as they arise.
Talk here a lot, people are great and, mostly, non-judgemental. So many have successfully negotiated through this, they understand.

Should I talk to the schools as well? I am worried about them having to involve social services. Would they have to make a referral?

Thank you for all the advice. I love the idea of writing a list of reasons why. I think I will head back to the GP. And, yes, I am completely overthinking and making everything a complete catastrophe in my mind.

DH has not spoken to me or DD for 2 days after I told him to stop shouting in her face that it was scaring her and it wasn’t acceptable.

Bump for the evening crowd. Especially if anyone has any advice about asking a partner to ‘please leave and never come back’ without it turning nasty.

Controlling men don't tend to leave willingly because it means surrendering control.

Can you have someone with you? Are you prepared to call the police if he starts to kick off?

Have you got a safety plan?

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme?

Rights of Women have info on occupation orders for DV (which is what coercive control is).

There are no magic words you can use that will mean he accepts things. Just like there weren't any to stop his abuse.

You should be prepared for him to try every trick in the book to keep control of you - not just nastiness or violence but crying, pleading, promising the earth, threatening to kill himself or your or your DD, threatening to take your DD, telling you he loves you, blah blah...

I haven’t really got a plan at all - I have made a GPs appointment for next week (lucky break as they are normally really difficult to come by) and I have started putting some documents together that I can take to a friend’s house.

I haven’t done the freedom programme - do I need to physically go to a group for that?

user that sounds horrific. I am really scared of anything happening to the children. I don’t think he would actually do anything but then I didn’t think he’d end up screaming in people’s faces.

Do you think you would be in danger if you told him to leave?

By the way you are absolutely doing the right thing!

Twilight I think the problem is that I just don’t know how he will react. Because his moods are unpredictable so I very rarely raise any issues. I sort of stuff everything down inside and carry on smiling. I have been having nightmares about him taking the children and killing them to get back at me. Which sounds ridiculous. He might even be happy to split up for all I know!

Has he ever been physically violent or is at all verbal/emotional?
Who’s name is the house in?

The house is in joint names - we have a lot of equity but no other savings and lots of debt. He has not been physically violent to me - financially abusive and intimidating. He shouts a lot and sulks for days. He recently smashed a hammer onto a table inches from DD. That was the final straw for me.

Absolutely contact Women’s Aid tomorrow and explain everything to them, they will point you in the right direction.
Smashing a hammer onto a table is violent, and I don’t blame you for being worried about his reaction.
You and your DCs safety is the priority.

Thank you - I will give them a call and try to stop being so scared that it prevents me from taking action. I know I have to do it. Thank you everyone and good luck SonEt when the time is right for you too.

Best of luck to you.
The next part will be difficult but it will be worth it. You have a new peaceful life ahead of you xx

Hi WipeClean,

I am in exactly the same position as you. A verbally abusive, emotionally coercive, overpowering, angry husband who I want to separate from. Like you for my well-being and that of my children. Again, like you, I think and overthink of all the awful things that might happen in the short and long term. The obstacles seem insurmountable and I feel like I’m alone at the bottom of a huge mountain. Theres been an erosion of my mental and physical well being and it’s forced me to act.

Let me share my experience of trying reasonably to tell my DH I want to separate. I did it verbally. He initially was angry, statements about his intent with money and children. Then moved onto emotional pleas not to take the children away from him, then onto I’m changing for good you see. I buckled. I’m back to square one. I hoped we could stay in same house. I was naive. I misjudged. As previous poster says men like this rarely leave. I see that.

My advice, maintain control yourself. Be the one to leave if you can. Otherwise you might come in for a barrage or tactics to get you to buckle, like I did.

Good luck. I’ll monitor your progress.

Hi Pushingforwards and thank you. Are you planning to try to ask him to leave again? I would love to leave but I have a houseful of children, no money and a crap credit score due to financial abuse. So i’m not sure where we could actually go. I earn less than it would take to rent a house round here. My dream is that we can all carry on here and he moves out but I agree that won’t be easy. I won’t be making any ultimatums or changing my mind. This is it for me. P.S I tried to get through to WA but no luck today. How awful that so many people need their help and support