Looking for a backbone

[wipeclean]

I need to separate from controlling DH - for mine and the children’s wellbeing but I just feel paralysed and unable to act. What the hell is wrong with me? Where has all my strength gone? I’m so scared. I feel like I am about to put a bomb underneath everyone’s lives and all I want to do is run away and hide. Should I speak to WA? My GP? How do I get him to leave if he refuses to go? Just don’t know how to even have that conversation!

And you are not alone - we can help each other

I don't have personal experience but I hear on here that the local numbers for WA are easier to reach than the national. If you haven't tried that, Google your area/city with Women's Aid and see what it comes up with.

Thanks pog100 I have some time off tomorrow so I will try the local line then. From what I have been reading if there is abuse in the relationship then you don’t have to try mediation first and legal aid may be available.

Wipeclean, I hope that you make contact with WA today.
I am actually stuck to to FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt), read that somewhere else on MNet. It sums me up perfectly. Won’t be suggesting he leaves. I will have to leave and then maybe move back in once he has moved out. For me staying under same roof talking about this stuff is too difficult for me due to the barrage I had the first time I tried it. My state of mind is so fragile I couldn’t cope with that again. So I’m trying to work out next steps.

Search for the hardest person in the world to break up with on YouTube (The School of Life). It’s 9 mins long and it opened my eyes. Forced me into action.

Well I didn’t manage to talk to WA as DS was off school poorly so will have to try on Monday. Thank you for the video recommendation Pushingforward I will have a look when I get some time alone. You sound so sad, I’m sorry that you are going through this. My DH is now acting as though absolutely nothing has happened.

The Freedom Person is great to go to in person, would recommend. You meet loads of other women who are/have been in your situation, and that's really nice. Before I went I looked at the online version, it's £12 but I saw it as like a donation to a good cause. freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

But if you can go in person, I'd really recommend. You get a hard copy of the book if you go along, too.

Oh and you can also buy the book from their site, I think. Obviously it mightn't be wise to have it come through your door tho- you could get it to go to someone else's address perhaps, for you to pick up.

Hi Wipeclean,
I was you 18months ago. It's hard to explain isn't it? They wear you down so you are a shadow of your former self, no confidence, doubting yourself, blaming yourself.
It was his behaviour towards my dcs that was the final straw too. I had asked him to move out. He just stared and said "No". This was despite him using it as a threat to me previously.
I had to run with kids and pets (!) when he was at work. Staying at family and friends for weeks. Him trying to find us, saying he would kill himself,I had gone mad as we had the perfect relationship and he had never even raised his voice to me it the kids ( 😂) all the text book stuff really. Went to WA eventually as everyone had said "oh you don't want to go into a refuge " how wrong they were. They assessed me and I was astonished to be classed as high risk. You just live with it and minimise. Amazing organisation. As well as support, roof over your head, advice, food, stuff for kids, kids workers, help with benefits, helping you get housing, new schools for kids if you need it, basically on your side and have done it with thousands of women and their children before you...the list goes on. I am now back in the family home with kids and it is a happy house.
I see things clearly now. Everyday there is something that I remember that he did that was not "normal " or anything that any man who was any sort of partner or dad would do. Have courage. I won't lie, it was an awful time for me, kids actually look back happily on the "flat" and have come through it more than unscathed. They have blossomed. Long post but you will come out on other side. Xx

💐 for all of you going through this

I am sad, I feel so so down. I tried so hard to find the courage to tell him and then I got the threats and was talked down, persuaded into trying again because he had ‘changed’. I don’t care whether he’s changed or not it dosnt erase the past few years of hideousness.

Now he’s being nice, there’s no way out now. How can I leave when he’s being nice? Awful situation. There’s no way out.

'Now he’s being nice, there’s no way out now. How can I leave when he’s being nice? Awful situation. There’s no way out.'

@Pushingforward

Just tell him it hasn't made up for the past, you can't get over how he acted, so you have to split up. x

I am in awe of you Agirlcalled! So brave. And I’m so glad that you are now living life on your terms. I will definitely keep trying to speak to WA and will look into the freedom programme too. Will be good to be able to see things clearly. Feel like I’ve been trying to peer through dirty glasses for the past few years!!

You have the right to leave at any time Pushingforward he has broken your trust with his shitty behaviour and it is perfectly natural not to be able to get past that. But I totally understand that you don’t feel strong enough. When you’ve lost all your confidence it doesn’t feel like anything is possible. Have you seen your GP to see if they can help with ADs or counselling to build you back up again?

Thanks Wipeclean. Yes I will remind myself of that. I can leave anytime. I am going to dig really deep, getting myself together and find the strength. I have a wonderful GP spurring me on and wonderful family and two close friends who are helping me. But ultimately it’s me that has to do it and so I need to get mentally ready.

I’m inspired by your story AGirlCalled. What an amazing person you must be, very inspirational. I’ll re read your posts everyone as they are motivating me.

Life is so short isn’t it, I feel like I want to make the most of this new decade and try to make it happen.

While you are waiting to talk to someone in real life there are some online resources you can make use of;

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Pushingforwards Gavin de Becker says ''Nice is not a characteristic or personality trait, it's an choice.'' And its one used by abusive men to charm us. You don't have to stay just because he is acting nice for now. Wanting to leave is a good enough reason for leaving.

Thank you everyone who has contributed to this thread so far - so much support as well as some fantastic advice . You have made me feel much more positive and I hope it will help you too Pushingforward

I thought for a long time that if I could just explain to DH and make him see the impact his behaviour was having then he would stop and we could rebuild our family. I have now realised that he already knows and he has chosen not to do anything about it. So it doesn’t actually matter what I say or whether he blames me and makes out i’m the crazy one. I don’t have to spend hours talking about feelings or giving him second chances or going to marriage counselling or worrying about whether his family or friends will ever speak to me again - I can just make the decision that I’ve had enough and make a plan to finish it.

It’s the same for you. You don’t owe him anything else because he doesn’t deserve it However nice he might be in between the nightmare times, the damage has already been done. By him. We can do this.

Now is the time to ask him to leave as hitting the hammer near your daughter is DV.
Tell school, SS, the police etc. They will all support you to get him to leave.
Like the PP if you wait and he goes into a period of niceness it will be much harder to get him to leave.. If you fear for your safety asking him to leave, get a friend or family member or police round.
Please protect your children. I can't even imagine having my father scream in my face and hit a hammer close to me

I sympathise. My partner is absolutely lovely to our DD but really horrible all the time to me. I am also paralysed and feel unable to leave. It takes so much courage. He also constantly used to threaten to leave me when I still loved him but when I actually asked him to leave seriously, he got very angry and then just continued to act like I hadn’t asked him about it. I tried again another time and he got angry and upset and then went back to ignoring me. So I have given up for now. I can not face the upheaval. My plan is eventually to move out with my DD however and not let him move in with us in the next place. It is a long term plan. I want to write a list of everything awful he has done and said but am too scared he will find it. Sorry you and me and so many other women are in this situation. I really hope you find an out though, I love reading the success stories.

I am a pastoral manager in a secondary school (not sure how old your dc are?) If you tell the school, they may do a referral (we would if we thought there was the risk of violence in the family home) but we would also be able to put in support for the dc in school in the form of counselling or just giving them someone to talk to.

A referral can also pull in a lot of help in the form of family support workers and they can give help with housing and benefits and someone to talk you through things.

I know people are often frightened at the thought of social services being involved but there is a massive amount of support out there available for you and a referral from the school would help you to access it.

I am not having much luck getting through to WA either nationally or locally and I only have very short windows of time on my own to be able to do it. So, I am going to talk to my GP later in the week and tell her everything. I would like to access support through the schools - I think the DCs need it - but I am just so scared of the outcome. I will see what the Dr recommends. This sounds ridiculous but I also feel protective of DH. I don't want him to be in trouble. I don't really care about any form of justice. I just want him to leave and not to have to deal with him any more. He is being very nice at the moment. Bastard!!

I have also contacted a local Freedom Programme provider to see if I can join. Baby steps but I am going to commit to doing one thing a day to move this forwards.

But you are 'protective' to your husband to the detriment of your children.
You are allowing him to abuse your daughter.

Your post made me physically sick Isthisit and I am going to read it and remember that feeling every single day until the DCs are safe. I’m don’t think I’m going to post any more, I just need to act now. Thank you.

I'm sorry if I upset you wipe clean but I really hope you keep your children (and yourself) safe and don't worry about the feelings of a man that shouts and threatens a 15 year old. 💐

Hi everyone sorry I know I said I wasn’t going to post any more but I just wanted to see how everyone’s doing and to update you.

My GP surprised me. She felt I should try and explore other avenues without involving SS at this stage. She also said that if he had never hit me or the children he was not likely to start now. Not sure what I think about that

I told my husband that he had scared DD and he went and talked to her to apologise.

It isn’t enough. I am starting the freedom programme tomorrow and hope this will help.

Good luck to everyone.