Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How involved are you with stepchildren after break ups?

28 replies

ghostmouse · 15/01/2020 12:10

My ex and I split 2 years ago and he has a 17 and 18 yr old ddsfrom a previous relationship.

I've known them since they were toddlers and I've always been close to them, they are sisters to my dds and over the years thier relationship with thier dad has never been good even when we were together, they always said they came to see me and thier sisters not thier dad.

I still see them, they stay over night occasionally and we message a lot.

My dp is fine with this, they like him and he has helped out with lifts when thier dad has no contact but he is keeps his distance which is fine.

I've had people saying this isn't normal but for us it is but how do you manage with things like a wedding ie dp and I. He likes them but only wants them to come to the night do when we do eventually..I can understand why..the eldest has kicked off at parties before.

I still want them to be a part of my life..they are still my dds sisters.

Anyone got any thoughts?

OP posts:
Peanutbuttermouth · 15/01/2020 12:45

My immediate thought is this is 100% your decision and 0% your dp's. Go with your gut.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 15/01/2020 12:46

I think it sounds perfectly normal. Why does your DP keep his distance and why does he not want them to come to your wedding. They are part of your family and like you say, sisters to your DD. Of course they are part of your life, and if your DP can't accept that then I would seriously be re-thinking marrying him.

Shakespearian55 · 15/01/2020 12:49

You absolutely should not exclude them from your wedding if they're still a big part of your life. It would potentially irrecoverably damage your relationship with them. Your DP is being extremely unreasonable, and in all honesty a bit weird and controlling.

FourDecades · 15/01/2020 12:52

What does the eldest kick off about and how?

Aderyn19 · 15/01/2020 12:56

I'd be very wary of marrying a man who thought that DC I'd helped raise since they were toddlers, were not family!
They will be really hurt if you don't treat them like you treat your own DC when it comes to wedding invitations etc.
Also, his attitude to your step children tells you a lot about how he will view your children in the future.

Mumdiva99 · 15/01/2020 12:59

You are blending a blended family. Your blended family includes these sd. They come as part of the package. Unfortunately your DP needs to understand and accept this.

alwaysmovingforwards · 15/01/2020 13:21

Family is often not just blood.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/01/2020 13:25

That's lovely OP.
I'm glad they still have you!
Don't listen to anyone else.
You have a lovely set up!

OhMsBeliever · 15/01/2020 13:32

I split up with my ex a couple of years ago and was more worried about my adult stepkids reaction than our own kids! Grin like you I've known them since they were toddlers and they're now in their late 20s (oh, that makes me feel old, I don't like them anymore.😂) Luckily they were both happy to see me still. One lives at the other end of the country and doesn't do phone calls or social media so I don't actually have much contact with them, though that was the same before the split. The other still visits regularly and we chat on messenger etc.

I'd invite them to my wedding in the unlikely situation I was to remarry. I wouldn't be happy to marry someone who would exclude them.

What do you mean by kicking off at parties? And when has this happened? Recently? Is she likely to do it at the wedding?

Original poster
ghostmouse · 15/01/2020 13:41

No no he's not excluding them from anything. He did mention the ceremony itself and said that was it was my decision.

He keeps his distance because he's well aware that he's not thier dad and they are not mine. He doesent want to tread on anyone's toes.

When they are here he stays and talks for a bit then goes upstairs so he gives us all a bit of time together.

It's an unusual situation and they've only met a 5 or six times and each time they talk a bit more to each other.

He's brilliant with my 3 girls. We don't live together and we won't be getting Married for a few years yet and he has told me that he's well aware that the sds have had a lot going on in thier lives, people coming and going and he doesn't want to add to thier trauma.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 15/01/2020 13:41

My ex dss is 18, I was with his dad from his age 9 to 16.

I make sure I see him twice a year, for his birthday and Xmas, take him to lunch, catch up, give him a gift. We have sporadic messenger contact during the year. He sometimes remembers to wish me happy birthday (but sometimes is more often than my own niece and nephew!). I don't have kids. He's gone back to college and I am sending him £12pw pocket money to support him. I checked with his dad that was OK. His dad doesn't give a stuff and also won't give him any money so the lad has to fund his own travel and lunches. I agree with ex that DSS should get a part time job but I think it's more important he stays in college - he's already dropped out once so this is his best chance now as he decided off his own back to start a new course after a year working at MacDonalds.

strawberry2017 · 15/01/2020 13:46

I think he's been respectful of the situation and not trying to force himself in to it.
He helps when needed, he talks to them, is happy for them to be there.
I think in time the relationship will grow. I'd be happy with it so far.

Whynosnowyet · 15/01/2020 13:48

Good for you.
My exh didn't even say goodbye to my dc when I threw him out.
Ds3.7 cried for exactly 13 weeks every single night.. He had been there since was got pregnant..

Surplus2requirements · 15/01/2020 13:56

Who cares what other people say is normal?

I meet my daughter when she was 3 and fell every bit in love with her as I did her Mum. Mum and I split when she was 12 but we continued to co-parent. She's mid 20's and still my daughter.

She's always been close to her natural Dad as well so considers herself to have 2 Dads.

It's never really been an issue

Original poster
ghostmouse · 15/01/2020 15:32

He's still finding his feet with my own dc let alone 2 more that we don't often see but it all takes time doesn't it.

It's taken time to build up a relationship with my girls but we've took it at thier pace.

My sds are virtually adults, life changes. I wasn't married to thier dad and I didn't help raise them. Thier mum did that, my ex was useless and I just filled in the gaps when I could, but due to events in thier lives the eldest is a bit volatile, tends to get drunk and lippy and fights with her sister or threatens suicide.

I tend to spoil them a bit when they're here

I

OP posts:
Sugartitss · 15/01/2020 16:11

I wouldn’t marry him.

Got to better men out there.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/01/2020 16:53

@Sugartitss Biscuit
Do you actually have the right thread!????
If so then please read all of OP's updates and the original thread properly!
WOW!

TriangleBingoBongo · 15/01/2020 16:54

You’ve formed a friendship. You’re all adults and they are relatives of your children. I think it’s both normal and lovely that you all get along so well.

Original poster
ghostmouse · 15/01/2020 17:36

A friendship is a nice way of describing the relationship between us all

And sugartits. I also wondered if you were on the right thread too but in case you are..on what grounds shall I get rid?

None of us are perfect and it's a learning curve for us all, I've finally found someone who is on board with me, treats us all well and it's a pleasure to see my dds and the sds laughing in the kitchen with him when all we had for years was abuse and strife from.thier dad. He gets it wrong sometimes like I did with my sds but we muddle along

OP posts:
FourDecades · 15/01/2020 18:11

I'm confused ....

So you're not actually planning to get married for several years? So why are you discussing this now?

Anything can happen. The SDC could even have emigrated by then!

Seems a little odd to be bringing this up when you're not even setting a date

Original poster
ghostmouse · 15/01/2020 19:08

We talk about everything. And we're aiming to get married in around 2 years, neither have influenced the other..We just talk about our future a lot and what we both want.

It's just the way we are Confused

OP posts:
category12 · 15/01/2020 19:14

I think it's brilliant that you have such a bond with your step-children.

I'd be quite firm with your partner and anyone else that they're part of the package, bad points and all, and would include them as family - they are your dc's sisters.

user1481840227 · 15/01/2020 19:59

I don’t get why anyone would say that wasn’t normal. They are your children’s sisters. It would be more abnormal to not want a relationship with them.

I don’t understand about the wedding. Would the sister not be more likely to kick off in the evening when there’s alcohol involved?

ToBreatheAgain · 15/01/2020 20:45

I think it's great you are still friends with your DDs sisters. I'd be inviting them to the whole thing, ceremony and evening. I wouldn't want them to feel excluded and potentially create bad feeling between them and their sisters

aSofaNearYou · 15/01/2020 20:48

There isn't really a problem here, it's fine that you are friends and your partner seems ok with it. Lots of people only invite people they are both very close to to the actual ceremony, it's not unusual to get an evening only invite and for only a few people to be present. What's the issue?