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Original poster

Advice on moving on from this situation

33 replies

ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 10:14

I’ll try to keep this short.. I’ve been involved with a guy on and off for almost 4 years. We started a friends with benefits relationship, as he was going through special forces selection and couldn’t commit to anything. I had an abortion quite early into this situation without telling him, as I didn’t want to add stress into his life and potentially ruin his chances with his career. Selfish I know, but I knew neither of us was ready for a child. It’s had quite a negative impact on my mental health... the guilt of keeping it quiet and of what I did.
We got into an argument a few years ago and he blocked me. I was devastated, but moved on. About 2 years ago, he unblocked me after a year. I was shocked and angry but didn’t tell him about the abortion. He wanted to resume the FWB situation, but I was reluctant and kept making excuses. He’s been in an out of my life since then, but recently we got closer and he began phoning me again, and telling me he cared about me. I started to trust him and felt like I was ready to tell him everything. We agreed to meet up a few weeks ago, but my father died unexpectedly. I’ve been struggling with grief and this guy told me I could call him anytime and has been offering his support. I phoned him, crying, partly with guilt and partly with grief and he told me I could talk to him anytime I wanted.
The day after my fathers funeral, my birthday, we got into an argument and he told me he couldn’t work out why he was an endless source of pain to me, and blocked me once again.
I’m utterly broken... I don’t know how anyone can be so cruel, especially a man I had started to trust once again.
I was blocked on WhatsApp, so decided to text him via regular message and broke down and told him everything. No reply, nothing.
I never expected a relationship or commitment from this guy, but at least expected him to care about me as a friend after all this time. Or is it my fault for having an abortion without telling him? Any advice would be welcome....

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 15/01/2020 11:30

*We got into an argument a few years ago and he blocked me.

we got into an argument and he told me he couldn’t work out why he was an endless source of pain to me, and blocked me once again.*

What were these arguments about?

Musti · 15/01/2020 11:49

Sounds like a very dramatic and toxic relationship

Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 11:54

The first argument was because I was feeling extremely sensitive and guilty after having the abortion and keeping it a secret from him because of what he was dealing with, with work. I was expecting emotional support without giving him a reason and I told him to leave me alone, basically. But he blocked me without talking things through.

This second occasion, I’ve been extremely upset about my father passing away and I lashed out at him. I apologised but he has cut all communication again. I don’t even know if he has read my message explaining everything... but he hasn’t got in contact. I just wanted a chance to explain everything and get closure. I don’t know if I’m the one to blame in all of this....
Apologies for any triggering and upsetting subjects in my posts.

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BorissGiantJohnson · 15/01/2020 11:56

Have you had any therapy? You need to come to terms with your past and forgive yourself. You can't hold yourself responsible for this guy's actions, that's on him. I think you think of him as a friend with benefits, but maybe he thinks more about the benefits and less about the friend. Either way this whole relationship is not healthy for either of you, you're forever cutting each other off and blocking each other. Just leave it in the past and focus on better friendships and relationships which you don't feel like cutting off every 5 minutes.

Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 11:57

Yes Musti, I agree. I think I’m just feeling an enormous amount of guilt and am having trouble letting it go.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 12:00

@BorissGiantJohnson I’m beginning therapy soon. I’m just feeling extremely guilty and sad over the abortion. I’ve never cut contact with him - he is always the one that shuts down and blocks me. Just feeling particularly sad as I have fertility problems and that could’ve been my last chance

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 15/01/2020 12:01

Or is it my fault for having an abortion without telling him?

Sorry I'm confused - is what your fault? You having the termination has no impact at all on his behaviour because he doesn't know about it.
As to whether you should have told him, his behaviour doesn't seem great without the pressure/hugeness of a pregnancy - I can't imagine his behaviour being fantastic with something so major.

june2007 · 15/01/2020 12:02

Sounds like your taking your frustration out on him and he has had enough. TBH if something was going to happen it would have happened by now. Move on or keep as friends. (No benefits.)

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/01/2020 12:06

Oh lass. He wants to shag you, he doesn't want a relationship with you. He will keep saying the right things until either you shag him, or someone else shags him, or it all seems like too hard work for a shag. You need to forget about him.

100% the termination was the right decision for you - you say yourself you weren't ready for a baby and it's very clear he wasn't ready to even be your partner, let alone the father of your child. Terminating an unwanted pregnancy doesn't mean you don't want any of those things - it just means the circumstances weren't right at the time. Doesn't mean you did the wrong thing, but equally it's ok to have conflicted feelings.

I suspect if you hadn't had the termination you would be well over this guy by now and actually that you would have ignored him when he got back in touch after a year!

Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 12:07

@june2007 Yes I was taking out my frustration on him, but wasn’t expecting a relationship. Just sad that he promised he wouldn’t shut me out again, and blocked me on my birthday, a day after my dad was buried. I thought he was at least a friend to me, like he claimed. Oh well, you live and learn Sad

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GilbertMarkham · 15/01/2020 12:09

Oh sorry I've posted before seeing your response about the arguments.

So you think it might be your fault because you didn't tell him, then your mood was affected and because he didn't know, he didn't realise or give any tolerance for your mood/s at that time?

Well it's hard to say what his attitude would've been and whether he's truly have given you more tolerance and support.

Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 12:10

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Yes, that’s exactly it...
Thanks for your reply Smile

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 15/01/2020 12:11

*he'd

Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 12:12

@GilbertMarkham Given that he blocked me on my birthday and so soon after my dads funeral, I’m guessing I may have actually done the right thing in not telling him, after all Sad

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something2say · 15/01/2020 12:13

I think, it didn't work and he's not come through in glory for you. After 4vyears he should care about you more.

Can I ask what you have learned here? And what you want for your future?

I learnt when I was younger that I was only interested in proper committed relationships. It helped to weed out men who would waste my time and heart break xxxx

Dont be hard on yourself. Move on well xxx someone new will come along I promise xxx

Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 12:17

@something2say Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m in the process of starting therapy but this has set me back slightly. Currently back at uni finishing my MA, so I need to be not dwelling on this but I am struggling. I did think a lot of him. I most definitely will be steering clear of men who claim to be too busy for relationships in the future. You learn the hard way I guess xxx

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 15/01/2020 12:17

It sounds like a combination of you being somewhat unreasonable (telling him to leave you alone, but expecting him not to, and later lashing out because you were grief stricken .. and these were not even to a long-term partner in a committed relationship where you might expect more support & tolerance)

..... and him not caring enough or being invested enough to take any "hassle", hence he broke off contact & blocked quickly the first time, and the same the second time in spite of you being very recently bereaved.

Arguably you were expecting too much from a fwb esp when you didn't tell him you'd had a termination that was affecting your emotional state in the first incident, and in the second when you were not long back in contact after not being being in contact for a while.

BorissGiantJohnson · 15/01/2020 12:18

Sorry I cross posted with your reply just before mine. That's quite revealing about the dynamic. It's a Feb thing, so supposedly no strong feelings for each other, no commitment, you can take it or leave it. Given this, it's surprising you had an abortion for the sake of him and his job. How much was he really a factor in your decision? Did you actually decide on abortion for you, and feel guilty so it's easier for you to tell yourself it was for him? Or did you give him and his job more weight than you should have, and now you feel resentful and possibly regretful about it? Either way, you seem to act badly towards him, justifying it to yourself because of the abortion and understandably he thinks "fuck this, I'm not here to be treated like crap" and cuts you off. Then you get back in touch and it happens all over again. What's your ideal ending to this situation? Where do you see it going in 5, 10, 20 years? Do you have a romantic notion of you dramatically revealing everything and him being grateful and understanding and you two making a proper relationship of it? Or do you just feel like he should support you emotionally as a friend? I don't know if any of this matters really, I'm just trying to help you articulate the issues in your head really.
Ultimately, it's a toxic relationship. You act out at him and he won't put up with it. The abortion is clearly a massive issue to you, and I think he will not be able to understand just how important it is to you tbh. Your and his expectations of this relationship are miles apart. You're someone he's happy to shag when it's convenient. He's someone really significant to you.
I think you should make the decision to cut him off permanently and move on with your life. I really hope the therapy helps, I think it's really positive that you've recognised the need for it.

BorissGiantJohnson · 15/01/2020 12:20

FWB thing, not Feb. Sorry, typo.

GilbertMarkham · 15/01/2020 12:23

If you were fwb because he didn't want a relationship, rather than both of you not wanting one ... Then yeah it seems like he just didn't/doesn't care much and is going to take minimal "hassle".

The latter time was stone cold, yes - but what is he but an on off fwb you'd not been in contact with for quite a while because he cut you off before, and you say you "lashed out" at him.

Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 12:26

@borissgiantjohnson The lines were always blurred... he would text me all day, every day. He even asked me to go to Germany while he was on some exercise there with the other wives and girlfriends... so it’s not as though he made it easy for me to not have any feelings. I feel stupid now I can see everything for how it actually is / was.
There’s a lot of things that would take too long to explain, but ultimately I can see that the abortion was the best outcome and I need to just forget him once and for all.
Thanks for your replies x

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GilbertMarkham · 15/01/2020 12:28

Anyway from his reaction to perceived hassle from you, I'd have major doubts he'd have stepped up back then and said "don't have a termination" or even "it's up to you, I'll support either way" .. I have a feeling it would have been "I don't want it". So it sounds like you made the right decision unless you were ok with being a single mum and trying to get cm out if him, with him possibly not even seeing his kid.

MashedSpud · 15/01/2020 12:32

Block him on everything. He just wants sex and you would like more. Not a good situation.

something2say · 15/01/2020 12:32

This is why it's best to be open about what sort of relationship it is. Half and half never works. Through declaring my intentions, I got better results. He invited you to Germany yes, so he sort of saw you as more.

If he ever gets in touch again, be clear that it needs to be a proper thing.

But until then, and possibly if he doesn't get in touch again, draw a line under it and move on. Draw that line mindfully but will. Stop dwelling. Get on with your work. Do it well. Make something of yourself and use this to learn. Many of us learn the hard way, it's not just you, but mend things by doing what you know to be right xxx hug

Original poster
ErinLee93 · 15/01/2020 12:34

@GilbertMarkham Yes, you’re correct... which is why I never told him, and why I’m guessing he hasn’t contacted me since I let him know the truth. Learnt the hard way, but thank you for taking time to respond x

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