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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ive just been dumped. Cant hold myself together.

56 replies

ShakeysGirl · 29/08/2007 21:22

I started a thread a few days ago about the trouble ex-dp was having with his mom etc

Well the out come is that ive been dumped He loves me but cant be with me because he feels empty inside and he knows its not right anymore.

Im so humiliated.I begged him to stay, crying my eyes out for 3 hours

I love him so much. I dont know what to do. I havent been able to eat or sleep for 3 days, my stomach feels full of knots

The kids (not his but we have been living as a family) and going to know where hes gone etc

As he left he said he loved me and would call me later. I really dont understand.

OP posts:

Biglips · 29/08/2007 21:51

oh right. Must've of been a terrible argument with his mum for him to change like that!...or he had never had an argument with his mum before and hes in shock?

Original poster

ShakeysGirl · 29/08/2007 21:51

Hes very much a mommys boy and she told him that if he stays with me then he will end up losing his family and friends.

I dont know what ive done wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShakeysGirl · 29/08/2007 21:52

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2724/377979?stamp=070829190906

OP posts:

Biglips · 29/08/2007 21:52

aahh right. ive just read Walbert post.

divastrop · 29/08/2007 21:55

you havent done anything wrong,he just hasnt realised that,at 26 years of age,he should actually be doing what he wants to do rather than what mummy dearest tells him to.

do you really want to spend your life with somebody who goes running to his mum every time you two have a row,and listens to his so-called friends over the woman he supposedly loves?

i think not.

he is very much a knob.

Biglips · 29/08/2007 21:55

so the mum is jealous of your relationship with her son!

Had she always been like that with his other previous Girlfriends?

Original poster

ShakeysGirl · 29/08/2007 21:56

Im his longest ever relationship and this is the first time hes moved out so she hasnt really had opportunity to dislike any of his girlfriends.

OP posts:

walbert · 29/08/2007 21:58

Don't think you've done anything wrong: sounds like his mum is definately the one who will be wearing the trousers in any of his relationships!! Think his mate's text says it all when he's said it was good to see his mums smiling: think you've sadly met a monster of a woman here and your (x) dp's 'friends' are more concerned with what his mum thinks is best for him rather than watching his life and being able to trust your x dp that he is capable of making himself happy. While you may want to save this relationship, be wary, this woman sounds like she's got it in for you and doesn't want you near her son: i appreciate you're very very sad now, but think of the years ahead: do you really want all this aggro from her all your life? She doesn't seem like a woman who will want to concede defeat (is that right?). Ii suspect if people have lost touch with you when you've split up she cold have been doing a bit of character assasination on you?

Original poster

ShakeysGirl · 29/08/2007 22:02

Id put up with her 24/7 if it meant i got him back. I know how pathetic that sounds

OP posts:

walbert · 29/08/2007 22:06

it's not pathetic, but plewase do be strong: why don't youu make a graceful (hopefully, if you wish, temporary) exit by letting your ex know you support his decision as long as it's what he truly wants; then look like you're doing fine: hopefully it might make him see sense. But, tbh, if he's got a cow of a mother and tosser mates, you would have a lot to put up with as far as being disliked and having battles all the time! Good luck to you and i hope things work out for the best. I'm off to bed!

Desiderata · 29/08/2007 22:13

It's also important to remember the children in this.

With such a controlling mother, I doubt that she will like a girlfriend who has children already. Equally, were you to have a child with this man, this controlling woman would want total control.

Shakey, men who are controlled by their mothers are terribly unsexy. You need to think about this. You really do.

You deserve much better than this wuss.

divastrop · 29/08/2007 22:19

i just read your other thread.the woman sounds like a loon!

saying that,i am still scared of my mother and i am 30,have 5 children and moved out of her house 10 years ago.i can be absolutley sure of something in my own mind but a single word from my mother can have me doubting myself.however,i know that its completley f**d up to still be seeking my mothers approval at my age

what im trying to say is,i can sort of see it from his POV.is he an insecure person?if so he may be scared that if he falls out with his mum and his mates,then something were to go wrong between you in the future,then he would be left with nobody.at least this way he still has his mum to hold his hand through life.

only he can change things though,there is nothing you can do.hopefully he loves you and respects himself enough to stand up to everybody and be a man.

Original poster

ShakeysGirl · 29/08/2007 22:22

She met the kids 2 weeks ago for the first time, she said to him that she thought that they were lovely. She also told him she knew we genuinely loved each other.

I cant believe its over. I thought I had everything and now its gone. I have my babies which im greatful for. They love him to bits and this will be so hard for them.

OP posts:

Desiderata · 29/08/2007 22:34

Don't tell them yet, Shakey.

You might resolve it, and that would mean a lot of confusion for nothing.

Just tell them he's gone fishing, or something.

Desiderata · 29/08/2007 22:37

.. and I'm sorry, but I guess that information comes second-hand and might not be reliable.

I don't doubt for one second that your kids are utterly gorgeous, but I doubt that a jealous, controlling mother would have said that to her son. To her, they would be a mahoosive threat.

How sure are you that he wasn't just saying that to keep you happy?

NKF · 29/08/2007 22:46

I don't think men do leave women they love. So either his leaving is a temporary panic and he'll be back or (I'm sorry) he doesn't actually love you. Only time will tell. I hope it works out for you.

Original poster

ShakeysGirl · 30/08/2007 11:11

He hasnt called. He has to at some point as all his stuff is still here.

I havent called him either although i desperatly want too.

I woke up every hour last night just thinking about him. I feel so dead inside today. Nothing seems the same even the trees outside seem to have changed.

I had a miscarriage last month, it was an accidental pregnancy and I know that scared him.

Im taking the kids swimming today. I have to try and pretend everything is normal.

OP posts:

lou33 · 30/08/2007 11:16

do you know why his mum and friends think he is better off without you?

Original poster

ShakeysGirl · 30/08/2007 11:20

They said hes lost his sparkle. But I think its more to do with him not being out so often with the lads and not chasing girls when hes with them and they also didnt like seeing his mom upset. He hasnt been at his moms for dinner as much and he didnt call her for a few days it all went down hill from there. He says theres to much in his head and his mom told him hes on the way to losing his friends and family.

OP posts:

lou33 · 30/08/2007 11:22

it all sounds a bit petty doesnt it?

fawkeoff · 30/08/2007 11:24

shakey you need to just ride it out hun, if its meant ot be then it will be.I think its wrong and selfish of people to interfere in your life so i personallly wouldnt give them the time of day again

Original poster

ShakeysGirl · 30/08/2007 11:24

I even called his mom the other night, before he dumped me and told her i was worried about him because he was on the verge of tears constantly. She said she thought he needed a break. From me

I know it all sounds so stupid but I am so in love with this man. I cant imagine my life without out him.

OP posts:

fawkeoff · 30/08/2007 11:25

she sounds like a woman that wants her son to be with her till the day she dies.she has issues and shouldnt be stickin her feckin nose in.dont ring her again

divastrop · 30/08/2007 21:11

hows it going?have you heard from him yet?

Sakura · 31/08/2007 01:09

I can see it from his and your point of view because I have a mother from hell (who I donT have contact with anymore) and a MIL who ended up being from hell too. So this is what I think. ITs much harder and scarier to stand up to your own mother than to your MIL. If a mother has spent years manipulating her child, wearing down his self esteem, it has devastating effects on that child because the child will forever want to "please" the mother no matter what, because deep down humans need acceptance from their parents. I somehow, somehow managed to overcome this and stand up to my mum, but it took years and the process is still continuing and I sank into a deep, deep depression before finally coming out the other end. This is what your partner must do before being free of his mums grip. I donT know if he can do it or not, most people cant or they pretend the situation is not as bad as it is. In his case, shes pretty bad, calling him fat and expecting you to spend monday quiz night with her plus weekends, then putting her own needs above her sons happiness. She is making him feel empty inside, not you.

Anyhow, I actually do think that he loves you but his mums grip on him is too powerful. So what you can do, if you can, is act, fake it. So tell him in a really calm way, that you love him so much, but you understand and youre going to let him go because you love hims so much blah blah blah. Now this MIL is never going to change I told my husband this: If you get rid of me, you might think your problems will be over, but they`ll never be over, because your mum will be like this with the next woman and the next (there was a history of his parents not respecting his choices)

So if you "let him go", your MIL wonT have a leg to stand on. Yes, shell have won, but what then? WHats she going to do with her hollow victory? Just donT do anything to lower yourself, like beg for him to come back or get angry with her. He may come to realise that she is the root of his unhappiness, not you. Now hopefully this will happen quickly (in a few months or so) but it it doesnt , you might have to start thinking about moving on, because it`ll mean that her grip over him may be too strong, and as someone else said, do you really want this for the next 20 years or so?

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