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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband disagrees with everything I say

26 replies

BigOldOakTree · 14/01/2020 21:16

I don't know where to start, I think I'm looking for someone to clear the fog in my brain and let me know what's going on.

DH disagrees with almost every single word I say. I've only noticed this recently but think it's been going on for longer. Quite by chance this evening we were talking about a subject we'd discussed yesterday but I knew he wasn't really concentrating yesterday. I took the opposite stance to see what his reaction would be and he contradicted his previous points to disagree with me. It sounds minor, but is really starting to undermine me. He literally disagrees with everything, if I said something was black he'd say its not, its white.

He is quite a controlling individual and I'm generally pretty unhappy with my life, but for mainly financial reasons I can't leave yet. Believe me I've considered every option please don't keep saying just leave, I find in real life this isn't an option for most low earners like me.

Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing? I tend to tow the line on almost everything but to have to curb even my opinions now is too much for me to bear.

OP posts:
loopery · 14/01/2020 21:20

Oh god. I feel for you. I’ve got one like this and it’s destroyed my self esteem. I barely talk to anybody about anything anymore and particularly not him! Get out as soon as you can before you lose your voice

12345kbm · 14/01/2020 21:22

Really common with abusers. There's an example of this in Why Does He Do That by Bancroft. A survivor points out how much she likes a lamp, her abuser takes the opposite view, she then takes his view and he takes her original view. Confused? That's why you're in a fog, it's really common in abusive relationships.

Original poster
BigOldOakTree · 14/01/2020 21:31

It's odd that I've really only just started to notice it, starting with something at work when he disagreed with a decision I'd made. It was nothing to do with him and he hadn't fully understood the context but he was adamant I was wrong.

Up until recently we'd argue about situations in our marriage. I discovered it was much easier to just agree to what he wanted to do and make a life for myself, so he goes out 4 or 5 times a week, including all day Saturday, but I'm more than happy on my own or doing my own thing. I never make a fuss and I thought we had found a happy plateau until this disagreeing started. It's like he has nothing to complain about (as he gets his own way with EVERYTHING) so he's disagreeing with me over every viewpoint I ever raise.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 14/01/2020 21:40

You're not in much of a relationship OP. No conversation and he's not there six days a week.

Original poster
BigOldOakTree · 14/01/2020 21:43

I know but I have little choice at the moment. I could potentially end up homeless if I left as I'd also have to leave my job.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 14/01/2020 21:45

I assume you've investigated all available avenues. Got financial advice should you choose to separate, looked for another job, asked around to see if anyone is looking for a lodger, contacted an organisation like Shelter?

Original poster
BigOldOakTree · 14/01/2020 21:51

I'm desperately looking for another job, I think this is my only viable way out. I moved from a city to a rural location to be with him, left my job and took a much lower paid cleaning job. I still have many of the skills from my old role and I'd love to move back to the city I moved from. Although it sounds terrible, life isn't so bad as he's hardly ever here. Financially he's not a high earner and doesn't have any savings or pension, he pays maintenance for his children so there's not much left over. I wouldn't want to take his money, I'd be much happier cutting and running now.

OP posts:
AnuvvaMuvva · 14/01/2020 21:55

Then pour all your time and energy into finding and applying for as many jobs as you can. Once you find one, find a place to live.

Then tell him how you hope you two will be married forever... and hopefully he'll disagree. 😆

category12 · 14/01/2020 21:57

No friends or family who would put you up until you got sorted?

12345kbm · 14/01/2020 21:58

Life doesn't look so bad after all! See about getting another job to what you were doing before. Start putting away some money for a deposit or see if you can borrow some or move into someone's place for a while until you do. This is no life OP. He'll destroy your mental health.

You should be out there, living your best life. Not stuck in some rural area, isolated, cleaning and putting up with an abusive weasel.

Come on now.

Original poster
BigOldOakTree · 14/01/2020 22:03

Thanks for the support it's really helpful. Family are not local and friends are mostly in the city I left behind. I know, it's a very typical abusive pattern but it's taken me a long time to realise it.

I'm applying for lots of positions, it's amazing how few get back to you even though I know I have a good CV with lots of experience. I'll keep on plugging away. It being dark, cold and miserable January doesn't do much to keep the spirits high.

OP posts:
undercoveraessedai · 14/01/2020 22:05

Just sending Flowers - you can definitely do this (and be well rid of him).

category12 · 14/01/2020 22:06

But surely that's ideal if your friends/family are not local to where you are now? If some would be amenable to you staying until you got on your feet, you could just go to them and then you're in the right place for finding a job in the city you want to be.

12345kbm · 14/01/2020 22:10

Sounds like you're doing really well. I know it's hard. The weather here is raining and miserable but Spring is around the corner. Daffodils will be out soon. Anyone you can call for some support? It must be lonely for you there.

Hidingtonothing · 14/01/2020 22:59

Do your friends and family like him OP? Just wondering whether there might be more help on offer than you realise, if they've seen him for what he is they might be queuing up to help you get away from him, they're just waiting for you to ask.

ymf117 · 14/01/2020 23:08

Keep plugging away and save some money on the side. Even if you are short term renting a room in a house it’s better than staying in this mess.

You mention he has children, I think you’ve just found out what the ex did before they split.

Blackforesthotchoc · 14/01/2020 23:29

OP have you looked at the earn £10 a day thread(s)? Might be a way of saving some money for your independence bit by bit until you can leave, and enable the day to day to feel less of a grind and more like you're getting out of there in the end?

Herocomplex · 14/01/2020 23:34

Just wanted to add my support. That’s no way to live, hope things get better soon.

And yes, unfortunately lots of people have experience of it, it’s exhausting and soul destroying. Take care of yourself.

Original poster
BigOldOakTree · 15/01/2020 08:21

Thanks everyone, I'll have a look at the £10 a day thread, thanks for the suggestion.

His outward persona is Mr Nice Guy, he comes across as the nicest, kindest guy you'd ever meet. Unfortunately that's not the real man. It's a very lonely place to be as I know that when I do eventually leave, I'll be made out to be the bad guy and he'll continue as Mr Perfect.

He has got kids and to be honest, if his ex knew what kind of person he is (and I assume she does), she's made it 100 times more difficult than it needs to be, but that's a whole different story.

Thanks for all the support, it's lovely to read.

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 15/01/2020 08:24

I'm sorry- people like that are infuriating.

I'd focus all your attention on getting job and money to leave. I'd withdraw from conversations with him and if he asks why you're being so quiet I'd tell him the reason. Honestly- there is no point in having a conversation with someone if their agenda is simply to disagree with everything. Its utterly pointless and a waste of time and I'd tell him that. I'd also point out that you've adopted the opposite stance to see what would happen and he still did it. Its obnoxious and pathetic and I simply wouldnt engage. He can argue with himself from now on. What an idiot.

HollowTalk · 15/01/2020 17:00

Do you have children together?

lilgreen · 15/01/2020 17:05

Good luck. Please remember that this is all to do with his inadequacy and nothing to do with you. Flowers

user7522689 · 15/01/2020 17:06

Focusing on planning how to make leaving a viable reality can be a lifeline in terms of your sanity. Maybe look up the Freedom Programme and the Women's Aid survivor forums.

It helps knowing there are other people who understand this form of abuse and know it's not you.

Schmoozer · 15/01/2020 17:10

I live with someone like this
It’s draining
I avoid conversations with him !

MCBerberLoop · 15/01/2020 17:15

I have a very old friend who has started doing this. It’s SOOOOOO exhausting, at least I can now avoid her like the plague!

Good luck with those job apps, hopefully something will come through!