I had the best date of my life and now...

[AppetiteforApples]

I am a bit of a mess! We’ve only had 3 dates, each about 6 hours long. We’ve not done the deed and I don’t intend to for a while but we’ve done other stuff (I’m 34 and realise that sounds a bit childish, can’t think of a better way to phrase it 😬)

I’ve been on LOADS of dates. This time I actually like someone and it’s knocked me for 6. After date one, at end of Dec, he text and suggested date two. On date two I asked when we’d have date three and we organised it. We’ve since arrange dated four (Saturday).

Whenever I’ve dated I’ve had lots of messages, people chasing to meet me and see me again, clear indication that they are willing to re arrange their time to fit in a date etc etc. I suppose just a feeling of being quite keen. But then I’ve never liked any of these people! This man is not like that, he doesn’t chase, he will have long ish phone calls now and then but texts are limited. He will disappear from WhatsApp half way through a convo then pick up the following day as he’s just gone to sleep! In a relationship I wouldn’t be arsed about any of this as I love my own space, but at the start of something it makes it really hard to judge whether he’s really into this?

The thing is, he’s very relaxed and I’m a bit of a worrier by nature. So it could just be that perhaps. Or maybe he’s not really bothered and I’m getting a taste of my own medicine following lots of dates where I’ve been really not bothered about them and see them a few times.

Advice welcome!!! Don’t want to ruin this if it’s something good.

Oh and also he’s not married in case anyone suggests that with him going off WhatsApp! His job means he works unsociable hours so bedtime can be early for him. I’ve been to his place and im certain he’s not involved with anyone.

I'd see how it goes but keep my head for now. Just keep a little bit of guard up until you're clearer how he feels.

It’s so hard! I feel I should peel it back a bit as he seems a bit too chilled to be properly interested I think. But I’ve not liked someone in so long maybe this is normal feeling

He sounds entirely mature and grown up. You both decide you’d like another date, you mutually arrange it. You need to ask yourself: why do you want to be texting each other so badly? What does it prove? What does it mean? I have close friends I don’t text for days at a time, let alone a near-stranger. I’ve been seeing boyfriend for three years and sometimes we don’t text every day. The amount of time someone spends sending you inane messages about how their day went or what they’re planning for dinner is absolutely no indication of how much they like you or how important you are to them. Some people are text-happy, others less so. Not texting in the early stages of dating doesn't mean I don't like somebody - more just that I presume men I've only seen once or a handful of times aren't really interested in the minutiae of my everyday life and I'd rather save conversation to in person or proper texts about something out of the ordinary.

Relax. Take note of his actions when you’re together. Believe those over whether he’s glued to his phone or not.

Thanks. I definitely agree with that as I have very very close friends I don’t speak to all the time.

It’s more that I’m not used to this in such early stages! That said, I would probably find it overbearing actually if he constantly contacted me. It’s hard not to wonder if he’s just not keen though, as everyone else I’ve dated has been far more attentive.

My now husband was exactly like this at the start, he was rubbish about texting and still is! As long as the dates are good and he’s keeping up with arranging the next one just go with it! I like not having to constantly communicate sometimes.

I think you're over thinking this. From what you've said you've had 3 dates from the end of December and a 4th is planned for this Saturday. It might feel like Christmas was months ago, but the reality is that the end of December was 2.5 weeks ago. I'd say that's pretty good going to have had 3 dates in less than 3 weeks. As others have said don't worry about the text patterns. Not everyone texts loads. Listen to what he says and how he acts when he's with you.

My late husband didn't call me for a week after our first date. He had a demanding job and was busy. In fact I don't think we communicated much between dates. I didn't have a mobile phone then (yes it was this century). We got engaged week six though and emailed a bit more often then!

Thanks for the replies, I’ve really worked myself up about this!

I’d actually really enjoy this level of communication IF I knew he was as invested as me! It’s the not knowing for sure that’s difficult because obviously it’s early days and maybe if he liked me he would be in contact more...I just don’t know him well enough yet to judge it.

He does have an extremely demanding job and said to me a couple of weeks ago that he needs lots of sleep to cope with it properly. I think that accounts for the random silence half way through an evening but still... it would all be easier if I knew he felt the same as me !!

I know I sound like a bit of a loon here but usually I’m soooo chilled about dates!!!

This is the horrible part of dating, waiting to know how invested someone is etc. You don’t sound like a loon - you sound like every friend of mine has at this stage!

Claire did you think your husband may not have been interested? Or were you relaxed about it?

Oh yes I worried constantly OP! Always thinking if he liked me he would be texting etc. Came to realise that’s just how he is, once we had “the chat” about where things were going I was super chilled about it because I felt more secure. How he acts in person is the real test and 6 hour dates sound pretty keen to me!

Claire it’s made me wonder if he’s into is ex or if he’s dating other people or if he’s just not that keen!

Usually when I’ve dated (and I’ve dated over 30 people in the last year), they’re super super keen to message and ask about my day etc etc etc. This guy is inconsistent, sometimes he asks about my day, other days I don’t hear from him. He’s pretty straightforward though in person and on the phone.

I guess I have to wait it out and see. It’s not fun though at all! I don’t want to get ahead of myself but think I already am!

Is he older that you op?

What is it vaguely that he does for a living?

He’s 38, I’m 34 (just! Haha). He works shifts in a hospital.

You can’t help how you feel, your only human!

I’ve probably only dated 6ish people my whole life so you’ve probably more experience than me lol but a lot of men are crappy with their phones and texting and some are on it all the time. I’ve had guys text constantly and they weren’t into it so I don’t think it’s a game changer.

What makes you concerned about an ex?

Nothing concerning about the ex really other than she ended it with him. I’m just thinking of all sorts.

He’s been online tonight and not carried on the chat.

I mean this gently - but maybe he actually isn’t that “invested” in you at this stage because he’s only met you three times and is being sensibly realistic about the dating process. It’s not a negative thing that he isn’t investing himself this early on. I’d be a lot more concerned if he were behaving the opposite way and genuinely wanted to spend ages texting about how your days went and other such trivia, when you’re virtually strangers to each other.

Stop checking up on him online immediately. You will make yourself anxious. This will or won't develop in to a great relationship but micro surveillance him won't help you or him. And I'm very guilty of this myself!

Definitely agree with the above! How often do you speak? Who usually initiates the conversations?

Sounds exactly what my husband was like when we first started dating. He always used to just randomly stop responding (turns out, shock, he was busy doing other things!) or take ages to respond to my first text of the day (turns out he just isn't s morning person and still barely looks at his phone till noon) I always used to worry.
It was my own insecurities plus he was a mature, confident guy why didn't really understand my constant need for reassurance! We almost split up over it as he used to get annoyed, looking back I was annoying!!! So just chill, have confidence that he likes you and enjoy it!

My DP was exactly like this when we first started dating and I was a nervous wreck. Now I’ve witnessed the fact that his long hours and demanding job actually do mean he falls asleep on the sofa every evening I worry a lot less! Plus the fact that I have a very chilled/lots of sitting around type job whereas he literally could not be on his phone during work hours meant I was wondering about his commitment a lot.
I really did question it for quite a long time but if he’s arranging dates and chatting on the phone I really would try to relax. My DP was utterly confused when I mentioned all the reasons I was feeling insecure about things and actually then pointed out all the ways he had shown his commitment and he was right!

It’s definitely my insecurities I expect more than anything else.

He’s sent the last two messages to initiate contact. I’ve not replied to his latest message as he just put a smiley face!

I’m defo overthinking this I know. Suppose I’m wondering why out of over 30 people he’s the only one not messaging me and being overly keen!