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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

TTC and he walked out on me

47 replies

CJ199012 · 14/01/2020 17:05

Hi ladies,

I had signed up as my OH and i were just starting to TTC. On Christmas eve, he told me he was having doubts about our relationship and up and left.

We spent a lot of 2019 travelling and upon our return we relocated, were planning to settle down and start a family. He is the kindest most gentle soul and i am completely blindsided by what's happened.

Fast forward to christmas eve, his doubts, and he packs his bags and goes to his parents. They all messaged me in shock, saying they had no idea (as did i!!!) but he never came back.

I saw him on NYE, we slept together and agreed to give things another go. He came back to me a week later and told me he didnt love me anymore. I just don't believe him, lowered myself to beg him for more time and to remind him of how good we are together and he's agreed to let me stay with him for a week to 'try and get things back to how they were'... naturally (stupidly?) i'm here. He hasn't given me ONE reason for his change of heart, and i cant think of anything that went wrong. It sounds sickening really but we really were perfect, no arguing, just the best friends.

He's been struggling recently with ED, which i was fully supporting him with, and he's definitely been distant, but i put that down to him not working at the moment and struggling to find work where we'd chosen to settle. It was only a matter of time and we'd have been fine.

I know i shouldnt have but i checked his phone this morning when he was in the shower and saw a message from his mother (who i had a great relationship with and we adored eachother), saying that i was manipulative. She clearly doesn't know i'm here. I suggested we go and see them next week as it might be healing for the both of us - he agreed - but obviously i now know this. His reply to her also said he didn't love me anymore.

My question to you ladies - WHY are his actions not congruent with his words? I adore the bones of this man and am hurt beyond belief that he can walk away when we were planning a life together.
I dont want to cut and run so he can play the victim, i want him to grow a pair and walk away if he really doesnt love me. This is KILLING my self-esteem but you know what it's like, when you love them you love them!

I'm hurt he's spinning a web of lies to his family to give him a backbone, when he should just be frank with me. To add... i got here 24 hours ago after not seeing him for 2 weeks and he hasn't kissed me once.

Help :( xxx

OP posts:

tobedtoMNandfart · 14/01/2020 17:09

I'm really sorry but you do need to let him leave you.

Stressedout10 · 14/01/2020 17:10

Agree with above poster

3rdchristmaslucky · 14/01/2020 17:11

He has walked away from you. He's told you he doesn't love you anymore. He's saying the same thing to other people.
You have to let it go, Sweet.
Get out of there. Count your blessings that you didn't conceive and find someone who loves you the way you love them.

Honeyroar · 14/01/2020 17:14

Sadly for you he doesn’t feel the same and he wants to split up. I think he’s getting talked into trying again by you when he really wants to say no. That’s why his mum is saying you’re manipulative. Hold your head up and walk away. You can’t make someone love you.

JackMummy12 · 14/01/2020 17:16

You need to let him go. He’s trying to end it with you and you are making it difficult. The best thing you can do is move on and try and make a new life for yourself.

My friend conceived with a man she had been with for years only to tell her once she was pregnant that he didn’t love her anymore, I know it doesn’t help but just think at least now you can find someone who loves you in the same way.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/01/2020 17:17

Gather up anything of yours in his home. Tell him you aren't being manipulative, you are leaving and that he needs to work on being brave and honest. Keeping you dangling is not attractive, not the act a grown up nor is it in anyway going to help you like the version of himself he is now showing you.

Then leave. Block him and be very, very grateful that you are not pregnant by him! He has shown you that he is weak willed and will lie rather than tell a hurtful truth. What would he have done had you got pregnant?

Hardly beats thinking about!

RhymingRabbit3 · 14/01/2020 17:17

I would just be thankful that you didnt fall pregnant

PixieDustt · 14/01/2020 17:17

This is a shitty situation but by staying put won't make him love you.
You need to leave with your head held high. You tried. He doesn't want it. Time to move on.
He can't say you didn't try as it seems like you're the only one trying and tbh be probably loves the fact he has you begging.
Is there a possibility of another woman?

Sparkle567 · 14/01/2020 17:17

He did try to walk away from you..

You begged him and manipulated him to try and give it another chance ...

Redwinestillfine · 14/01/2020 17:18

Sorry this is happening to you. He has checked out, and hanging on will just string it out. Let him go. If he comes back off his own back then reassess bit I wouldn't be ttc with someone who's so flakey. He needs to work out what he wants and he needs to be on his own to do it.

chocolateandpinkgin · 14/01/2020 17:18

I'm so, so sorry. Unfortunately you need to believe the message to his mother that he doesn't love you. Ask yourself honestly - even if he does agree to stay together, can you honestly say you wouldn't be a bag of nerves, constantly wondering if/when he's going to leave you again? Do you want to live like that? I know it'll be painful to split up but honestly, it'll be more painful long term to stay. Set yourself free and eventually you will find someone who actually loves you and wants to be with you. Don't settle for a man who stays with you out of pity. I am so sorry though, I have been where you are

rvby · 14/01/2020 17:19

Let him go OP. He clearly feels manipulated because he wanted to go but you've begged him back.

It isn't easy to leave someone who's done nothing wrong and he probably feels awful. But there's no doubt he really wants to go.

You need to release this guy and allow him to cut contact with you. It IS manipulative to simply not believe it's over or that he doesn't love you - he's told you how he feels and you've talked him round, that isn't fair.

It's really no surprise that his actions aren't lining up to his words... you aren't letting him take the action he wants to take...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2020 17:23

"My question to you ladies - WHY are his actions not congruent with his words? I adore the bones of this man and am hurt beyond belief that he can walk away when we were planning a life together".

You were planning a life together, he was not. He is not the person you thought he was, also travelling together may well have given you an idealised notion of him and now reality hits. He and you are in totally different places emotionally speaking and he is a coward. You and he were and remain not perfect for each other. He's got cold feet and wants out; he potentially becoming a father probably as well frightened him. Your mistakes here are twofold; doing the pick me dance is the first one and he's already told you that he no longer loves you.

What is it going to take for your heart to catch up with your head here?. All this trauma bonding between you two is not helping you recover from him, its merely delaying the inevitable end. This was over Christmas Eve and it is probable the signs of his doubts were there before then too; it may well be that you either did not recognise it or minimised it.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?. Are you codependent when it comes to relationships?. And why for goodness sake were you and he ttc at all, this is no model of a relationship for you to bring a child into and you would be both selfish to bring a child into this.

Why not walk away yourself?. Do you not think you deserve better from a relationship?

SandAndSea · 14/01/2020 17:27

You deserve to be with someone who loves you. It doesn't matter that you love him. That's not enough. There is someone else out there who will adore you. You need to end this now so that you can make room for that.

So sorry. I know it's agony. You've just got to keep going.

ohwheniknow · 14/01/2020 17:28

I'm sorry you're hurting but I don't understand what pure trying to achieve here. He already ended things.

He is trying to walk away but you've wrapped your arms around his ankles to stop him. You need to let go.

Original poster

CJ199012 · 14/01/2020 17:28

Hi guys,

Thanks for your input.

I know deep down that i need to walk away, and i go back to not wanting to as then he becomes the victim. Of course... easier said than done! The rational part of me knows you are all right - the emotional part, the part that thought this was FINALLY my time and we were going to settle down, is finding it very very difficult to let go. As you can see!

He is the one instigating meeting up, inviting me over, and yet he knows I'm clutching at straws so i'm in a lose lose situation. I dont contact him first, he is sending me flowers telling me 'im the girl of his dreams and he wants everything with me'... so you can see why i'm a confused mess!!

I know i shouldn't have looked at his phone, but i know that we often look for things that we think might be there and low and behold it was. When he said to me he didnt love me, he said 'he didnt think he loved me' anymore, when i asked him if that was really true he broke down and said no and he does love me. Then follows the flowers etc...

I know i deserve better, but the future was RIGHT in front of me, and im struggling to let it go. I know having a baby with the wrong man would be hellish and perhaps fate is allowing me to walk away from what could become a toxic situation in the future.

Thank you xx

OP posts:

rvby · 14/01/2020 17:35

This is a head fuck for sure.

You can't have kids with someone who treats you like this. The quicker you go no contact and stop responding to these sorts of tactics, the quicker you'll recover.

Do you have friends and family who can support you? You need to change your way of dealing with this guy so that you can get some distance and clarity. Then, as a pp said, your heart will be able to catch up with your head.

As an aside, folk do theses types of things when they don't want to be the bad guy and are feeling guilty and pained about the decision that they know they have to make. He probably has very limited emotional intelligence and coping skills, and as such, is making impulsive decisions to contact you when he should just leave you alone and let the bonds of attachment break a bit.

The answer is you need to take control. If that makes you the bad guy, so be it. It puts you further down the road of moving on, and eventually having the family you want

Original poster

CJ199012 · 14/01/2020 17:37

We were SO in love with eachother, that's why we were ttc. We have known eachother for a very long time and always dated on and off. We finally committed and were so astonished that something can be right in front of you for years and you dont see it. I promise you the ttc came from a place of love and devotion.

He's obviously had doubts for longer than he's let on. It's taken me by complete surprise as he just hasnt said anything x

OP posts:

Original poster

CJ199012 · 14/01/2020 17:39

@rvby thank you. It is a massive headfuck!!! It's like i had no time to prepare for this yet he's had months (apparantly!). If he had just said something we could have worked things out. Some things are not salvageable i do get that.... i just have a very broken heart!!!! x

OP posts:

CassidyStone · 14/01/2020 17:40

Let him go. He's not the man you will be spending the rest of your life with, and having children with. He's told you he doesn't love you. Stop trying to force the issue and mould him into the man you thought he was. He isn't, and probably never was.

Move on, there will be a man in your future who is perfect for you. You'll never meet him if you cling on to the ashes of this dead relationship.

Original poster

CJ199012 · 14/01/2020 17:45

@CassidyStone what you say makes me feel powerful enough to walk away. I know mr right is out there, i just thought it was him.

Anybody been in this situation where you almost had it all and then they got cold feet? I cant be the only one clutching (pathetically i know) at straws...

OP posts:

ILoveAnAgathaChristieMurder · 14/01/2020 17:45

This happened to my friend almost identical she had a miscarriage and he turned around said he didn't want kids then he didn't want her. She convinced him to try, lasted a few months b4 he left for good. It was very painful but she's since met and fallen pregnant with someone else. You need to leave. I'm sorry it's happening to you it hurts a lot.

Original poster

CJ199012 · 14/01/2020 17:48

@ILoveAnAgathaChristieMurder your poor friend. It sounds so traumatic, and i count myself lucky there is no baby or angel baby involved, as much as i wanted this mans baby. So pleased to hear she found her person in the end x

OP posts:

ohwheniknow · 14/01/2020 17:49

Walking away doesn't make him a "victim". I think you need to let go of that idea. It's just a relationship ending, it's not about anyone being a victim.

Do you think you might be in the denial part of grief?

Equanimitas · 14/01/2020 17:50

i want him to grow a pair and walk away if he really doesnt love me

But he did that. You seem to be the one who keeps going back to him and begging him to keep trying. For your own self-respect, stop that and get on with your life.

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