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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

TTC and he walked out on me

47 replies

CJ199012 · 14/01/2020 17:05

Hi ladies,

I had signed up as my OH and i were just starting to TTC. On Christmas eve, he told me he was having doubts about our relationship and up and left.

We spent a lot of 2019 travelling and upon our return we relocated, were planning to settle down and start a family. He is the kindest most gentle soul and i am completely blindsided by what's happened.

Fast forward to christmas eve, his doubts, and he packs his bags and goes to his parents. They all messaged me in shock, saying they had no idea (as did i!!!) but he never came back.

I saw him on NYE, we slept together and agreed to give things another go. He came back to me a week later and told me he didnt love me anymore. I just don't believe him, lowered myself to beg him for more time and to remind him of how good we are together and he's agreed to let me stay with him for a week to 'try and get things back to how they were'... naturally (stupidly?) i'm here. He hasn't given me ONE reason for his change of heart, and i cant think of anything that went wrong. It sounds sickening really but we really were perfect, no arguing, just the best friends.

He's been struggling recently with ED, which i was fully supporting him with, and he's definitely been distant, but i put that down to him not working at the moment and struggling to find work where we'd chosen to settle. It was only a matter of time and we'd have been fine.

I know i shouldnt have but i checked his phone this morning when he was in the shower and saw a message from his mother (who i had a great relationship with and we adored eachother), saying that i was manipulative. She clearly doesn't know i'm here. I suggested we go and see them next week as it might be healing for the both of us - he agreed - but obviously i now know this. His reply to her also said he didn't love me anymore.

My question to you ladies - WHY are his actions not congruent with his words? I adore the bones of this man and am hurt beyond belief that he can walk away when we were planning a life together.
I dont want to cut and run so he can play the victim, i want him to grow a pair and walk away if he really doesnt love me. This is KILLING my self-esteem but you know what it's like, when you love them you love them!

I'm hurt he's spinning a web of lies to his family to give him a backbone, when he should just be frank with me. To add... i got here 24 hours ago after not seeing him for 2 weeks and he hasn't kissed me once.

Help :( xxx

OP posts:

amiapropermum · 14/01/2020 17:51

It's a shock when your reality changes and vanishes. This is, unfortunately, your new reality now. You thought he was a different man and you have to face the fact that he isn't. Hopefully you can get yourself to a place where you see the man he is clearly and you know you don't want him.

PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2020 17:55

Is there any possibility you could be pregnant?

Sorry this happened. I agree with everyone else. It sounds like your relationship is over and you need to try to accept that.

RLEOM · 14/01/2020 18:28

ED? Might be a porn addict? If so, run.

NotStayingIn · 14/01/2020 18:39

I don’t really understand the logic of if I leave he will be the victim.

He has already broken up with you. Please don’t make decisions based on what you think he will feel or what he might tell others. Do what’s right for you, which would be to walk away from this.

ScreamingLadySutch · 14/01/2020 19:55

He was honest.

He does not want to be a father at this time.

So sorry.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2020 20:54

Let him go. He said he doesn't love you anymore. You should never beg a man to be in a relationship with you. You just lower yourself and seem desperate for the relationship.

It's time to move on, as difficult as that may be for you. Walk away with dignity and self respect.

Tell him this isn't the relationship you want, while he's not in it 100%. Do not bring another life into the mess.

You mentioned TTC... is time against you? Is that why you're begging him?

Mylifeisruined · 14/01/2020 21:04

Is there any chance he might be gay or bi? What with the ED and the sudden change of heart. Just a thought!

loopery · 14/01/2020 21:15

Walk away. You say you don’t want to do that because he becomes the victim...to who? Who is going to care? His mother? You’ll never see her again anyway and she’s already called you names! This relationship is dead in the water. The best thing you can do is be brave and show him you’re not a walkover. Right now he doesn’t care if you’re dead or alive. If you walked away and never went back he’d be dancing with joy. He’d be relieved and you know that really. So stop this.

user1479305498 · 14/01/2020 21:30

Listen OP, there are many women on here of all ages who not only thought they had it all lined up in front of them but actually did and ended up with a guy who suddenly felt like yours has done or had affairs, or be cracking off with their best friend etc, all whilst they were now responsible for 2 kids , had given up careers, moved across the country etc. All I can say is be thankful that he has suddenly felt this way whilst it’s relatively easy for you to move on (physically if not emotionally) . I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I think he’s done you a favour

Original poster

CJ199012 · 15/01/2020 17:03

Hi ladies,

Thanks for your advice. It's a turbulent time when someone walks out but then tells you you're the one, he's made a mistake, then he doesn't love you, then he does. It's not OK and I'm not OK, I want to walk away but I love this man. It's an absolute mine field! x

OP posts:

Original poster

CJ199012 · 15/01/2020 17:04

@Mylifeisruined it has crossed my mind... but i dont think so. He's a very gentle character, extremely patient and almost too laid back!! I'm quite a strong leader, he's a giver. This is so out of character for him.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2020 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandAndSea · 15/01/2020 17:08

You have to love you.

inwood · 15/01/2020 17:09

You need to let him walk away. Meeting with his mother is absolutely not on.

At lease he has been honest before you got pregnant.

PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2020 17:09

Wrong thread. Ignore me.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/01/2020 17:13

My last marriage ended in the same way. We were the couple everyone wanted to be, devoted to one another, utterly in love. So I thought.

Then he blindsided me one day by saying that he didn't love me. Then he backtracked (scared, I think, by the force of my emotional response), of course he loved me, he'd just been having a 'blip'. I was on edge for the rest of our relationship (another six months, during which I thought we were repairing the damage, getting everything back on track). Then, while we were on a weekend away, he hit me with it again. 'I don't love you any more.'

I was utterly devastated but, here I am today, thriving without him. You can do this, OP. You know you can.

Sunflowersok · 15/01/2020 18:19

Right, so why are you making it difficult for him to leave OP? You can’t force someone to love you. Let him go

MyideaMy1dea529 · 15/01/2020 18:27

Why were you trying for a child, when he has no job ?

Yeahnah2020 · 15/01/2020 18:27

How is he the victim when he’s the one who told you he didn’t love you and then left to go to his parents?? Your thinking is a bit warped. Just leave. He doesn’t really want to be with you.

MyideaMy1dea529 · 15/01/2020 18:31

Perhaps he wants to go traveling again ?

category12 · 15/01/2020 18:33

Stop chasing him, stop degrading yourself by letting him treat you like this, like you can be put down and picked up as he pleases.

Being so passive and willing to tolerate so much, acting so desperate for him to love you won't make him grateful or appreciate you, it'll just make him despise you.

Act strong, even if you don't feel it, do the relationship 180 (google it) on him and let him really feel the loss of you. If he comes running, then it's up to you if you want to try again - if he doesn't, at least you've already started taking steps on the road to recovery.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 15/01/2020 22:38

he's spinning a web of lies to his family to give him a backbone

This isn’t the action of a lovely, decent man. He’s entitled to leave the relationship if he wants to, but making up lies to blacken your name to his family is a shitty thing to do.

Sorry this is happening to you, but he’s clearly not the man you think he is, nor does he share your feelings. Hard as it may be, you need to walk away and start rebuilding your life without him in it.

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