I don't know what I expect from posting this. I guess it's because I haven't told anyone parts of my post and I just need to get it out. It's a sort of detailed diary entry that I can look back on, one day, if we're still together or not.
My partner is a sensible, normally thoughtful and ethical man. He is great when I'm ill with migraines and period pains (except when it's something contagious in which case he becomes unreasonable about it). We cuddle often in front of the TV and share interests. He loves animals. We want the the same kind of life. There's no alcohol or drug usage. No infedelities or doubts in that direction. We both want children, although time has almost run out for me at almost 34 years old because I've been delaying it for so long due to various things. I like making deep connections to people, which don't come around often. I'm a naturally talkative, bouncy kind of person.
I've grown increasingly tried of his inability to manage his moods, anxiety and irritability, which has led to unnecessary name calling and demeaning comments such as blurting out 'idiot' when I've spilt something or similar. He earns a lot more than me but we rent.
His wet blanket moodyness where he retreats innward to his own closed-off thoughts has ruined days put when we're both suposed to be happy, interested and enjoying ourselves. He always apologises afterwards and it's improved a lot this year after he's learn to manage his stress at work better, but his behaviour has worn me down during the course of our 11 year relationship.
He has said that I haven't been clear enough about how his behaviour affects me, apparently, despite it having caused many arguments, despite me pushing back many times on his language, despite me having a few serious night time discussions with him, despite me threatening to move out twice before. I've been clear enough. I'm a (normally) articulate person who's very direct about what they like and what they don't like.
Things have been on the up for the last year, but he said something disrespectful and kind in December which made my doubts about our relationship spin out of control. It wasn't just what he said. It was a reminded that, despite improvements, there are still signs he doesn't respect me.
After many tears, arguments in December, things were great for about two weeks until the last few days, when something that happened just over a year and a half ago came up to the surface about our sex life. We've always been very compatible sexually. We've never been into BDSM and are actually pretty convensional in what we like, mostly.
However, over time, I became increasingly uncomfortable over how he would place his hand on my breastbone/middle of the clavicle area at the top of the chest/base of the neck. Sort of in a v -shape. This increasingly made me feel uncomfortable emotionally during sex because I didn't want it to go anywhere near, or develop into 'choke-play'. He finds collars and choker type neckkaces on women quite sexy, but has never bought me one or pressurised me to wear one. He hardly mentions them actually, but it's something I'm aware of.
I started hinting to him sometimes that this hand thing didn't make me feel good and I didn't really like it. A few weeks later, he started doing it again. I didn't say anything during sex, but instead I sat down with him to have a serious discussion, and said I didn't like it, I wanted him to stop doing it, and that I found it demeaning and a bit degrading. I was calm but quite serious and wanted him to take on board what I was saying. Because hints and comments weren't enough to him, even though they should've been, I wanted to sit down with him so I could clearly draw a line in the sand and make sure there was no ambiguity about how I felt on the matter. He didn't argue with me about it, but his body language and facial expressions suggested that he found this discussion quite awkward and embarrassing, his face was quite taught and was avoiding eye contact. Sort of reminded me of a child who squirm when they're told off because they know they've done wrong.
Fast forward a few weeks or months (don't remember now). He did this thing again. I didn't want to ruin the moment by having an argument, so I again had a serious talk with him and said this was the 2nd time I've had to tell him not to do it (which made me feel uneasy). I added that because it's the neck area, it makes me feel too vulnerable. He reacted the same again, and I said the only time that something like that is ok is if I do it (meaning, that I would initiate it and that I had control over it).
We went on holiday the next day or the day after. The first night we were there in our holiday apartment, we had sex, and this time he sort of got my hand and tried to place it around the base of my neck again.I just went totally flat, turned my head and started crying. He stopped immediately and didn't understand why I was crying so much. I told him why - that after I had told him not to do it, here were were.....again. He was almost speechless at how ditressed and angry I was.
When he did that, I just found it disgusting. I was disgusted when he placed my hand at my neck before carrying on thrusting. I found it degrading.
I told him I found it demeaning, that it was slightly fucked-up considering his mother committed suicide by hanging herself. I asked, does he have a real thing about choking that he hasn't told me about? Does he get off on the idea of me being hurt? He said no to all of this and was upset that I was upset and was apologising a lot inbetween bouts of being speechlessness. I tried to act like normal during the rest of our holiday but it was haunting me.
Now, even if that was based on a verbal misunderstanding, I find it hard to forgive him amd move on. He hasn't done it since. Even so, I can't get over the fact that even prior to that horrible night, I had already hinted, and that wasn't enough. I had sat down seriously with him, and that wasn't enough.
When we were arguing about it last night because I brought it up again when we were in the kitchen, I asked him why? I was looking for some kind of justification, but he had nothing. When I asked him why, he said, grasping at straws, that I'd mentioned it being something about the influence of porn, which seems to be getting more and more rough and extreme these days. He was squirming when I said that feebly regurgitating my answers back at me wasn't enough. He said he wasn't going to make excuses and that what he did was wrong. When I again questioned him, he said that he knew I didn't like it, but he didn't realise HOW much I didn't like it.....not something you want to cross or test out with sex, is it? I guess 'I don't like it' and 'I find it demeaning' wasn't enough. I told him that my boundaries are set my ME. Their importance, is for ME to decide. They're not for him to test out by trail & error. To make things worse, when he was grasping at straws during this conversation, he said I hadn't communicated to him ENOUGH how much I didn't like it. The words 'I don't want you to do it in future' and 'I don't like it' weren't enough apparently, and I'm pretty sure I used the words 'degrading'
and 'vulnerable' too. I had to be visibility upset for him to take me seriously, it seems.
He keeps reiterating that he would never hurt me (that's kind of already been done though so it's kimd of ridiculous saying that). He says that said the other day he realises he's failed as a partner to make me feel safe and secure. I just feel so sad and anxious because that day I felt like something was dropped and shattered on the floor. I feel like this will never really heal. My ex cheated on me once by kissing another girl in her car, back in uni, and that kept resurfacing as well as a deep hurt. I'd be fine for weeks, months, before it would come up again as if it had happened yesterday. I'm not sure if I can get over this. It's not what he did exactly. It's more about the fact that I've lost trust in him and that he's showing a disregard for my sexual boundaries, 9.5 years into the relationship.