My partner kissed my best friend

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My now ex best friend isn't a nice person, she uses and manipulates people and is very self-centred. She has no understanding of mental health and wants to be the centre of attention.

My partner is the kindest person I know, he's loving and caring and thoughtful, he's been my rock the last year an 3 months, kept me alive, supported me even tho I have 2 children and i truly see a future with him.

About 3 years ago, he used to like my ex best, she responded with that by taking him out and getting off with lads in front of him, keeping him at arms length enough to make him feel shit and use him when it suited her. They half slept together once, that's it, nothing happened and they stopped talking after she got him cast out of the friends group.

Fast forward to now, we've been together happily for ages, it was love at first sight.

I found out this morning, because he told me, that they kissed on a night out early into our relationship. He wanted to tell me but she begged him to stay quiet saying it would ruin my friendship with her and that I would try to do something stupid (my mental health is bad). She got other people that new ya to say the same to him.

This morning he told me because she was trying to use it against him, telling me he chats shit and another person made all these claims about him cheating. I believe he hasn't done all this, he's always at work or with me and If you could see our love you'd know how devoted we are, but, what do I do about this?

I'm upset, she's out of my life, I've had enough of her she's toxic and I should've walked away a long time ago. I need to talk to him today, I feel betrayed and lied to and none of this is okay, it hurts so much. However, there is a part of me that believes this was a mistake, that what we have far out weighs this event and that we could get through this, but like I say, it hurts.

I don't want to be a mug, or a doormat, he's never treated me like one but it's how this has made me feel. This morning I cried, now I'm slightly numb but thinking calmly, rationally, where do I go from here. Does he deserve a second chance? Am I a fool.

they kissed on a night out early into our relationship

it was love at first sight

Not sure how these two statements are compatible?

It sounds like you see him as your knight in shining armour. Is that fair to say?

They half slept together once

They what?

So someone else is saying he cheated, is that right, as in had sex with someone else? The answer to whether that's true probably lies with whether they were told by her, as she sounds like she'd happily lie about something like this. How far into your relationship was the kiss?

What does half slept together mean?

Before, when she was keeping him close, they slept together but stopped when his mate left and he went to go find him and that was that.

Me and him, I'd met him a couple of times and when we spoke and met, we loved each other from that day.

Yeah, they betrayed me, the 2 people who are closest to me. And now I doubt everything, it hurts and I don't know what to do. I have no one else to talk to, I'm not close to my family and they're not here anyway, and I have no other friends

So they slept together.

What do you mean he kept you alive?

I've been poorly all year, highly suicidal, admitted to hospital.. he supported me through it all. I couldn't of done it without him, I would be here.

( Last year )

It's possible you think you love him more than you do, as with no family or friends to support you, he's your everything.

I think the fact he wanted to tell you there and then but she stopped him means he realised he’d made a big mistake, and as you say he’s devoted to you now. I’m pretty sure your ex best friend didn’t give a shit about you and just couldn’t resist the temptation whether it hurt you or not. However, it doesn’t matter how long ago or early in the relationship this happened, he did betray you by doing this and you are very within your rights to feel hurt about this, he needs to make it up to you big time.

I don't know what to do. I've heard of people getting through things like this and everything being okay, of giving a second chance. But I don't know if that's even a thing or if it is if it's the right thing, I can't believe this has happened.

Does anyone else feel like they could forgive this, and that what happened isn't worth loosing everything you have? If you truly believe you have a future and a life together? Or would you walk away because of this.

She's been around for 20 years, I've watched her take my friends, get with them, cheat on them and break up so I loose them too. I've always given 100% and she gives 60 at best, she lies about me and to me, she has broken my heart. I'd never do anything like this so anyone, and he has left me feeling hurt and betrayed.

It sounds like you feel you need him. Do you? Are you strong enough to break up with him? There’s no rule that says if you decide to stay with him now, you can’t change your mind a month or year later (because you can’t get over).

I would forgive and forget if you trust what he says. It can be done but you have to truly mean it not keep dragging it up every time you have an argument.

Good luck I hope it works out for you.

Op, it's clear you've been through hell in your life. But this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You jumped straight into it from the breakdown of your previous long term relationship and you've made him your rescuer.

You have lots to be proud of for managing to keep fighting on through so much shit in your life, and I imagine the prospect of losing someone you've held onto to keep your head above water is terrifying but it's not love.

Being rescued and being loved aren't the same.

What models of relationships were you given growing up? Have you ever done the Freedom Programme course to learn about healthy relationships? Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Has anyone ever suggested Pete Walker's book or website on Complex PTSD to you? If it felt manageable you might find it helpful.

You were saving yourself before he came along. It's not him that's saved you.

If you want to give him a chance, you can give him a chance to see if he can rebuild your trust. You might discover you can’t really fully trust him again or you might discover through his future actions that it was a genuine mistake when you were still in the early dating stages.

It sounds like you’ve got loads of challenges to get through- completely seperate from anything involving him or her. Please focus on your counselling and getting to a good place with your mental health.

No boy will get you there. Just you, working hard to be a good single parent. It really is so important. Much more than who kissed who, or any drama with friends.

Just let that drama wash over you, and only keep people in your life who support your parenting goals. There’s time for everything else later, down the track. You can’t attract good friendships or relationships until you sort out your brain stuff. Go do that now. You’ll never regret working on yourself, alone.

I don't think I need him, I'm unsure to be honest. I want him I know that, but I don't deserve to feel like this. I love with my whole heart and am so honest and open and calming and supportive, I'd never to this to anyone.

I don't bring things up, I like to talk about every little thought I have good or bad, get it all spoken about no matter how horrible it is and put it to bed, if I don't get it all out it'll eat me up, but I never drag things up. Having said that if something triggers a reminder and makes me feel shit I will be honest as to why I'm feeling shit, I don't get to choose my thoughts a lot of the time.

I've been through no end of support, there's no fixing me. I co parent with their dad, we get on great, so I only have them half the week. Nothing takes away the thoughts that everyone would be better without me, I love my girls and removing myself from them would be doing them a favour.

I don't know when it's going to happen, but I believe I'll take my life one day.

I wish I knew what was right to do here, I love him and he's perfect to me, he really is. He has his own mental health issues as well so he can relate to mine, I believe he'd never mean to hurt me, but he has. I just don't know what to do from here

Being dependent on someone to rescue you like this leaves you incredibly vulnerable to being hurt and betrayed again. And again.

I wonder if clinging onto him will cause you more pain and destruction to your self esteem than the pain of letting him go?

Moving on because this is not good for you or right for you doesn't erase the positive experiences you've had in the last year. You get to keep those. But maybe this has run its course now?

When you've been traumatised the desire to be rescued by someone can be intense. I think PP's advice to focus on sorting yourself out by yourself for yourself is good advice.

I've never seen him as my saviour, I don't feel rescued or anything, I feel our relationship has been equal in its support to each other and in every other aspect. We help care for each other and encourage each other to do the best we can etc so it's not a one sided like I'm clinging to him situation.

I'm just hurting and confused, I'm in this positive long term healthy and happy relationship and I didn't for a second think I'd be facing this. Now I am I don't know what is right

You're how old? 25? 26? Don't write yourself off as unfixable. Have you ever looked at any of those resources on Complex PTSD?

Nobody is perfect. People don't fall into perfect saviours and evil monsters. They're complex and nuanced.

But it's common to start categorising people in a black and white way and searching for rescuers when you have complex trauma.

You can't erase everything that's happened in your life and start afresh with a blank slate, but you can alter how things are now if you want to. People with complex trauma like you do so little by little every day.

I think you're thinking about your ex friend way too much. She is taking over your life, your thoughts and how you feel about yourself.

I had a 'friend' like this, she was horrible, tried to turn our friends against me, and I would get really bad anxiety every time I thought about her. So I made positive steps, I blocked her on social media so I couldn't see if she tagged people or liked something, and she eventually went out of my head. Now I never think about her, and wonder why she bothered me so much.

Regarding your partner, if he is committed to you as you say then what happened was at the beginning of the relationship, so 2 years ago? I would forgive and move on. If you can't then leave him. Thinking about it over and over will not be good for your mental health. You need to say 'It was a mistake early on, but I trust he's not done anything since'.

I think we all make mistakes, especially early in relationships when we don't know where it's going, but if there's been nothing since then move on.

I think he needs to stop contact with this person too. She could be jealous of your relationship which is why now she's bought it up. If he doesn't have contact with her then she can't have any influence on you.

Focus on your children, yourself, and your partner (if you want him), but do not waste any more energy on this toxic attention-seeking drama queen.

Just to answer the main question, If I learned my DH had simply kissed someone once the first three months after we met I’d forgive him.

Letting her go breaks my heart, I've loved her all my life, but when this happened I told her one simple thing and that was you've lost me. I then blocked her in everything, he has too.. her and her toxic friends can stay gone. I go to greet lengths to protect myself and keeping away from drama and toxic people is one of them no matter who you are so yes, I'm done with her. Crying about how hard her life is when she's a liar and a cheat with no morals, she can deal with it herself, she makes all the mess in the first place and I. Clearly meant nothing to her if she did this and lied to me so easily. I've watched her lie to others but I thought I meant more to her, clearly not.

Deep in my heart, I believe it was a mistake