My partner kissed my best friend

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My now ex best friend isn't a nice person, she uses and manipulates people and is very self-centred. She has no understanding of mental health and wants to be the centre of attention.

My partner is the kindest person I know, he's loving and caring and thoughtful, he's been my rock the last year an 3 months, kept me alive, supported me even tho I have 2 children and i truly see a future with him.

About 3 years ago, he used to like my ex best, she responded with that by taking him out and getting off with lads in front of him, keeping him at arms length enough to make him feel shit and use him when it suited her. They half slept together once, that's it, nothing happened and they stopped talking after she got him cast out of the friends group.

Fast forward to now, we've been together happily for ages, it was love at first sight.

I found out this morning, because he told me, that they kissed on a night out early into our relationship. He wanted to tell me but she begged him to stay quiet saying it would ruin my friendship with her and that I would try to do something stupid (my mental health is bad). She got other people that new ya to say the same to him.

This morning he told me because she was trying to use it against him, telling me he chats shit and another person made all these claims about him cheating. I believe he hasn't done all this, he's always at work or with me and If you could see our love you'd know how devoted we are, but, what do I do about this?

I'm upset, she's out of my life, I've had enough of her she's toxic and I should've walked away a long time ago. I need to talk to him today, I feel betrayed and lied to and none of this is okay, it hurts so much. However, there is a part of me that believes this was a mistake, that what we have far out weighs this event and that we could get through this, but like I say, it hurts.

I don't want to be a mug, or a doormat, he's never treated me like one but it's how this has made me feel. This morning I cried, now I'm slightly numb but thinking calmly, rationally, where do I go from here. Does he deserve a second chance? Am I a fool.

Ok.

You write about him keeping you alive. You write as if he's rescued you even if it's not been a conscious decision.

I don't understand how you can be on here telling us he's cheated on you and betrayed you but then describe it as happy and healthy and him as perfect. If that's the narrative you want for yourself that's your choice.

But I don't see what basis you have to declare this situation healthy. Other than that you desperately wish it was. What is your model of healthy?

It's always your choice what you engage with and what you don't but it is sad you would prefer to declare yourself unfixable and destined to die by suicide (but also happy?) when you seem unwilling to even explore what your choices are before you turn them down.

Your choice.

Hannahyeah thank you for your honesty 💕

Thank you for your replies everyone, it's helping me to speak to people and hear your thoughts, your support means a lot xx

Outside of this piece of knowledge, we are healthy. We support each other in everything, we don't shout and barely argue, we have a convo like adults.

We discuss everything, we laugh and love and we make no end of good memories, our relationship functions amazingly.

I suffer with major depression, so even on a good day I may forget for a while, but there's a part of me that thinks about killing myself always. I can't shake it, it's a shadow that follows me everywhere. It's a part of me I haven't managed to change yet. I'm not unhappy all the time! I do have better periods where I'm okay, but it's still there in the background, but yes, he makes me happy, just like my children do! Ultimately I still believe everyone would be better off without me tho but that's another thread entirely

It sounds like a fairly harmless drunken snog, early in the relationship. No need to imagine it as something bigger than it is. If you feel strongly about the relationship it is within your means to let this discretion go and move on. If you don't feel that is possible then say so and end it. Going over it a million times won't help much, it doesn't have to be more complicated than a yes or a no. And well done for ditching the mate, good luck.

I’m not saying this to be unkind but you are over invested in this man. He can do no wrong. Love at first sight etc. It wasn’t love at first sight though was it? You have romantic notions that are not true or realistic. You are being treated badly by the people in your life. You believe he probably has done all of those things but you are so fragile that you cannot hear or believe it. There is no smoke without fire and you need to learn how to stand on your own two feet without clinging to a man. You need to get to the root of your suicidal issues before getting into a relationship. You are best to ditch these two, move to a new area and get yourself into a programme for mental health help. You should be single until you are stable.

I'll never be stable that's for sure, I understand what you're saying. I don't think I'm that blind tho, this was wrong and has hurt me a lot, and I will be voicing that, I just need to know where to go with it from there.

Deep down, I feel I'm strong enough to forgive this and without the toxic friend in our lives we can continue to be happy, but I have questions and I don't know how much I should really be asking, do I want the details? Maybe I need them because otherwise it'll keep bugging me that I don't know, I need them to be able to put it to bed, I'm unsure on this.

I don't want to rush anything, I just want to do what's right, if only I had some way or knowing what right was.

“We discuss everything”

No. You don’t. You tell him everything but he does not discuss everything with you.

For over a year, he’s systematically lied about having sex with a close friend of yours.

That’s not complete and utter honesty and no matter how many times he claims he wanted to tell you - he chose not to tell you.

Please don’t mistake your honesty for his.

Don’t you think you should concentrate on your mental health and your children? Instead of him? He willingly kissed your ex best friend, no one forced him, so isn’t he just as bad as her? Why does she get called all the names under the sun by you but according to you he can do no wrong? Are you sure you’re mentally strong enough to be in a relationship? Maybe take a step back and concentrate on living for you and your girls?!

He didn't lie about sleeping with her that was years ago, it's the kiss that happened..

She's treated me and the people around me like shit for years and I've continued to be there, that's why she's so bad in my eyes.

What he did was wrong. There is no excuse I'm in no denial or that at all! I'm going to make this extremely clear, it doesn't matter how many people she got to tell him not to say anything, he should've been honest straight away. She used my mental health ammunition to keep it quiet, but I don't deserve to be lied to, no one does!

I don't think I'm deluded or being naive, I'm hurt and confused, but the good in our relationship far outweighs the bad, so I'm wondering if it's worth loosing what we do have over this

If you could see our love you'd know how devoted we are

You are. You're devoted, and clearly madly in love with him. He kissed your best friend and hid it from you through the entirety of your relationship because she asked him too. I couldn't forgive that... it's not the kiss, as such, it's the deceit.

You sound like you have a codependenacy on you're bf, I mean this kindly because of the way you describe him as youre rock, you're world who saved you. Are you getting counselling for you're mental health, take any medication for you're depression? Theres also charities such as MIND. Please do seek help the comment that you know you will commit suicide it's just when is unnerving to read. Especially when you got two daughters to consider the impact of such a decision could have severe consequences for their mental health

Deep down, I feel I'm strong enough to forgive this

And just to be clear because you've mentioned your mental health a lot, you don't need to be strong enough to forgive anything. It can be just as strong to walk away. Your decision isn't based on whether you're strong, or you need him, or your love has been real.

I take an antipsychotic to treat major depression, I think it helps but I haven't been really tested on it so who knows

I've just been discharged from Campbell house (again) as I had some psychology sessions, they would've been really helpful now!

I agree, the deceit is bothering me way more than the act itself

Why don't you say to him that you are upset about his betrayal and that you think a week of space from each other will give you chance to get things straight in your mind and give all your attention to the DC?

A week won't break the relationship, but it will give you time for reflection, perspective and perhaps a conversation with a counsellor if you are still seeing one.

I'd be far from thrilled by this, but based on the information provided wouldn't be inclined to throw out the baby with the bathwater.

OP,
Please be cautious about asking for relationship advice from anyone, especially online.

No one else knows the situation and we all come with our own preconceived notions and experiences.

I’ve seen friends really damage others’ relationships by giving bad advice, revving up people and making them angry. Online strangers with no investment in your life or relationship can do even worse unintentionally.

Protect yourself from that, find a close friend that knows you both and whom you can truly trust to talk to about something so important.

I won't see him for the next few days anyway cus he'll be working so I will get some space,

No longer seeing anyone about my mental health, not for now anyway.

Yeah, I trying hard to consider my options and the outcomes

Unfortunately that was my friend, I have no one else in that close to and only one person left I speak to in general, thank you for all your advice

Re: the deceit:

If my partner did kiss someone in the beginning of our relationship, or even last Tuesday, I’d rather him not tell me.

If it were a friend who did this I would tell them that it’s selfish to “confess” it because that would just hurt their partner. Confessing gets rid of the guilt for the offender, but puts a huge hurt and burden on the partner. Better to carry the burden oneself.

If the person was a serial cheater that’s completely different.

Do you trust your partner to not do this again?

Hannah I totally see your point. A part of me has been thinking today I wish I just didn't know, but I suppose it's a good thing I do because it has been the final shove to get rid of this 'friend' who hurts literally everyone around her. I don't need that, I deserve better.

I've spoken to him this evening, I can never condone what he did, we've spoken in depth about it and I've asked everything I wanted to and challenged all I needed, my mind feels clearer now.

I've decided I can forgive this and move on, we both deserve happiness and that's the one thing we have always bought each other, and in getting her out of my life, I feel like I throwing out the trash and this incident along with it, I know a lot of people would disagree and think I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, I really hope that they are wrong and that we can continue our journey into the future together full of love and joy

Hanna*

How early in your relationship? If he barely knew you I’d probably forgive a kiss. I’d block the friend and anyone related to her though, she sounds toxic.

Block "friend" if they bring you anxiety they ain't worth having around

I'd forgive a kiss in the first few months tbh but I also suffer with awful awful anxiety so it would probably rearrupt at some point in the future.

I just want to give you a hug OP it's sad the way you talk, you can get the help and feel better and I hope you do 💕💕

Put your concentration into your girls, it's nice to hear you coparent well you never see people getting on with exes (mines hard work)

But please don't think you can't get support you can xx

I was trying to work it out but my memory sucks, probs like 3 months in so I guess it's not as early as I'd thought, but I'm willing to move on.

He knows me well enough to know this but I did mention that itll probs affect me here and then while im getting over it, like I might get a bit down at times and that, which I feel is completely understandable.

Yeah I'm very lucky to have a good friendship with my girls dad, we do family trips out and everything to ensure they grow up with memories of mummy and daddy together and us all laughing., I really do wish it could be like that for everyone! I wish everyone could have an easy life full of true happiness.

I may look into some support again, thank you

Hugs

Yes we get on for the sake of our little one together, he sees us nice to each other face to face but it's a whole other matter through messages 🤣

And just try and work on things but please do remove that girl from your life. She won't ever change ! Xx

I would say very early on in your relationship, neither of you could have know where it would lead. I feel he should be forgiven for this misdemeanor if it was just a kiss. Also the ex-best friend was/is a toxic user so it sounds like she may have taken advantage of him. If he has been totally honest with you now and there is nothing likely to come out then it’s forgivable.
I would say that if your happy in your relationship then continue to be so. Make sure your private life is kept off of social media so the jealous naysayers haven’t got anything to gossip about!