OLD flakiness, red flags? My boundaries all over the place

[beetle2530]

Hi all,
Would really appreciate some advice. I've come out of a pretty brutal divorce after an abusive marriage. My self-esteem is all over the place and I am reading about boundaries but I just don't know what to do.
Met a younger man on OLD (10 years younger than me). He's good looking and told me when we first met that he uses OLD for hook ups and then doesn't follow up. But he made a big effort with me. I am attractive for my age (39).
We've had 4 dates since end of Nov. Last date was before Christmas and we had amazing sex (DTD before that). He was away for a couple weeks and we had a bit of contact. Not great. Then he comes back last week and straight away messages me, and then asks for a booty call. I ignored it. Then we were messaging this week - nothing sexual - and then on Friday he said he wanted to see me that night, we sexted. He was desperate to see me (got the horn) and I said no (got kids, can't drop everything for him).
I suggested Saturday but he had a party (which he pointedly didn't invite me to). He said he would ditch his party early to see me but I said no, enjoy the party and we'll do something Sunday. Sunday comes round, I don't hear from him and eventually I text him early eve asking what the plan is. He then said he was really hungover. He was happy for me to come over but didn't want to go out. He suggested another night. I was pissed off and didn't go over. Don't want to drip feed but I have kids and he knew I'd arranged for them to go to their dads on Sunday so I could stay over. He said beforehand that he wanted me to stay over.
He's flaked before on a Sunday night but apart from that has been ok.
Should I have gone over last night? Don't know what to do now, if I was overly harsh or he was useless.

Clearly just using you for Sex.

@luanmapo Thank you for telling me that. I guess deep down I know it, just didn't want it to be the case. Thanks

He actually told you this!

He's good looking and told me when we first met that he uses OLD for hook ups and then doesn't follow up

I think you just need to take time for yourself after an awful divorce and not let any man put you in a position where you have doubts and question things.
Have fun with online dating and meeting people first before sleeping with them is my advice.
All the best.

@hollowtalk Yeah I know. I guess I just thought I could be different! Oh dear, fallen into the same trap as all the other women! I also thought people might say that I was being difficult by not just going over to his place last night.

@luanmapo thanks. Thats made me cry. I think you are right and I didn't realise how battered I am. My friends are all saying just get out there but I don't think I can cope with it all right now.

You’re the tick in the older woman box. You’re being played

He is a player and a user.
Block him - ignore - delete.
Don't allow yourself to be used - ever!!!
Get an STD / STI check as quickly as possible.
Give OLD a break and do some serious work on yourself.
Get in touch with Womens Aid and ask about their Freedom Programme - attend in person if you can but do it as soon as possible.
Also ask them about specialist counsellors in your area for victims of abuse.

You need to seriously reset your boundaries and you need help in doing it.
Your normal will be skewed right now.
Work on you - take time for you.
Then get out there!

Its probably too soon for you to be getting embroiled with someone like this. You will end up liking him more than you want to and he will mess you about (he already is). Cut your losses and try to focus on yourself and getting over your marriage.
Doing OLD too soon can make you feel worse about yourself. You really have to be in the right frame of mind to deal with all the shit that comes with it.

Thank you so much @hellsbellsmelons @anotherdisaster I am just sitting here crying. You are right I am all over the place at the moment and the fact I thought it was me being difficult just shows where I am. I had an abusive husband and the divorce has been shocking. I feel like a prize chump. Thanks for kind words and setting me straight.

@NameChangeNugget - you are right. I am so pleased I posted here as I needed you guys to tell me the truth!

I guess I just don't even know what appropriate boundaries are. I try to please people all the time and worry they won't like me if I don't do what they want. I will look up the freedom programme.

Bless you OP.
It's going to take a while to get your confidence back.
And only YOU can get it back.
Don't rely on 'men' to do it for you.
It just makes things worse in the long run.
Your Ex would have done a lot of damage that needs to be unraveled.
You sound strong though. You know whats what in reality.
And you will find yourself again along with some happiness!
Don't rush it though.
Take your time.
Find YOU again - you are in there!

thanks @hellsbellsmelons I've read your comments on other threads so very much value your input. Thank you. I am just coming to terms with everything I suppose. A lot to unravel. I'm happy there is a consensus that I'm being used. I wasn't sure what people would say and that in itself speaks volumes

Join the dating thread (we are currently on thread 180) we help each other spot red flags and definite our boundaries.

You are only being used if you didn't want to have sex or expected it to be more. He did say right up front to you he was after hook ups.

You were right not to go for a booty call at his whilst he was hungover. You are just an option to him. Which is ok if you have the same view but it doesn't seem you have.

@Notcoolmum - I really did want to shag him last night, and if he had just said looking forward to seeing you, let's go for a meal and then back to mine that was what I was expecting. Not me to have to message at 5.30 (when he knew I'd made arrangements for the kids) to ask what was happening and then get a half hearted come over if you want but I'm hungover.
You are right he told me straight up and I obviously can't deal with casual sex. I had hopes it would turn into something else. And last night just confirmed he doesn't give a shit about me or my life or the arrangements I had to make. When I said no to last night he then suggested this week but I am (genuinely) busy. And then he said oh well please come round now. I said no. He asked again. I left it.

@notcoolmum I will join the thread!

You know that is how he will treat you the next time and the time after that.

You hadn’t seen him since before Christmas and he couldn’t be bothered to make a definite arrangement with you. Definitely leave it now.

I think it sounds like you don’t know what you want yourself. If you’re at that stage, maybe you should leave dating for a few months until you’ve adjusted to being out of a bad relationship.

@sunsetsandmoons I just want to be loved. And treated nicely. Which this guy isn’t going to do. I had thought that me doing the stuff he wanted to in bed that he would suddenly realise how much he liked me. Seeing it all written down makes me realise how shit it all was.

Give it a good few months, be by yourself, indulge yourself a little. Eat what you want to eat, sleep when you want to sleep, watch the films and read the books that interest you. Once you've had a 'time out' you'll have a better idea of what you are looking for in the dating line. You will have 'romanced' yourself so you won't accept less than romance from a man!

Find a man who at least wants to take you out on a date, rather than expect you to come round and 'entertain' him in bed!

Update - He’s got back in touch. No apology for last night, just asking what I’m up to this week. Do I explain that he let me down last night or just ignore?

Ignore. He doesn't care that he's let you down, you're just a shag to him. Apologies if that sounds harsh but it's exactly what it is because he's already told you.

Please ignore him. Don't let yourself be used like that.

Ignore him. He's just trying to work on his wank calendar.