OLD flakiness, red flags? My boundaries all over the place

[beetle2530]

Hi all,
Would really appreciate some advice. I've come out of a pretty brutal divorce after an abusive marriage. My self-esteem is all over the place and I am reading about boundaries but I just don't know what to do.
Met a younger man on OLD (10 years younger than me). He's good looking and told me when we first met that he uses OLD for hook ups and then doesn't follow up. But he made a big effort with me. I am attractive for my age (39).
We've had 4 dates since end of Nov. Last date was before Christmas and we had amazing sex (DTD before that). He was away for a couple weeks and we had a bit of contact. Not great. Then he comes back last week and straight away messages me, and then asks for a booty call. I ignored it. Then we were messaging this week - nothing sexual - and then on Friday he said he wanted to see me that night, we sexted. He was desperate to see me (got the horn) and I said no (got kids, can't drop everything for him).
I suggested Saturday but he had a party (which he pointedly didn't invite me to). He said he would ditch his party early to see me but I said no, enjoy the party and we'll do something Sunday. Sunday comes round, I don't hear from him and eventually I text him early eve asking what the plan is. He then said he was really hungover. He was happy for me to come over but didn't want to go out. He suggested another night. I was pissed off and didn't go over. Don't want to drip feed but I have kids and he knew I'd arranged for them to go to their dads on Sunday so I could stay over. He said beforehand that he wanted me to stay over.
He's flaked before on a Sunday night but apart from that has been ok.
Should I have gone over last night? Don't know what to do now, if I was overly harsh or he was useless.

Just message something along the lines of “this isn’t going to work for me, we obviously want different things and aren’t compatible, all the best” to avoid any further messages from him asking if you want to go over.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong per se, he told you he only wanted hook-ups and that he was a flake in following things up, and in his head he probably thinks you’re on the same page because you chose to keep seeing him on those terms.

Absolutely ignore. However he wraps it up, he has told you who he is. Believe him. Perhaps leave men alone until you have looked after yourself,freedom programme etc.

I think you've set some good boundaries already. Not rushing over. And agree that at least he hasn't led you on and been v straight. Is there a small part of you that can feel ok or even good about it? You had your rebound? You are attractive. And haven't let it drag on? You haven't been a doormat at all, i dont think. He just us a slut. And that's his issue!

You've gone from one shit relationship in to another.
You say you "just want to be loved". That alone goes a great distance to demonstrate why this has happened.
You are so desperate to be wanted, you are overlooking quite overt flags in your need for this.

You need to learn to be happy alone before looking for the next relationship.
Build yourself up, show your children that you don't need a significant other to be happy and THEN go looking for somebody suitable.

Thanks all. You are right. But I’m wavering. I replied to him as I wanted him to apologise for last night and to suggest a definite date for this week. But he didn’t. I said I had fun stuff planned for this week and he simply replied WITH AN EMOJI. That’s it.

If you continue to talk to him, you will probably have sex with him again.

He's literally told you what he's after, he's doing nothing wrong. If you continue talking to him and having sex with him, you're just playing yourself if you're looking for more than a hard penis.

He has literally zero emotional investment in you. If you have to speak to him, tell him how disappointed you are in him. He will likely decide it's not worth the effort to manage your feelings in order to have sex with you (which is basically what he's doing now) and you can move on with your life.

Honestly OP. I really wouldn't agonize over it. He's just a slut. But at least he's open and honest about it. He hasn't lied or betrayed you. You just thought 'hmmm, once he gets to know me, he will change his mind'. And he hasnt. Can you really, justifiably be angry over that? Id just try and take the giid frim it (if you can see it that way) and move on. In my experience of a brutal breakup a rebound with someone who also turned out to be a slut was exactly what I needed to put distance between me and my ex. We had 2 shags only andthen I called it off (I.e. my decision. Not his.) For me, no regrets. Opposite in fact. Am also not one who is capable of FWB (which is what he wanted) arrangement. But I don't feel angry or let down by him not changing his mind. If he had led me on, that would have been another thing altogether. Anyways, hope you feel ok.

Thanks @P999 for the perspective. I am massively over thinking it and suppose I thought I could do the casual sex with a hot younger man as a confidence booster and have some fun. Tbh at the beginning he asked what I was after and I said fun as I’ve had a really tough time. I have just realised I can’t do casual sex (at least not at this stage of my life). And that’s not his fault.

Casual, not casual it doesn't matter. Flakiness is disrespectful. You had to organise childcare and he could not be bothered. If you want to see him, you can, for sex, but only if he pays for your childcare on his time and picks you up /drops you off or comes over himself. Leave it for a bit, I guarantee he will be back in touch and suggest this when he wants a shag. If he He agrees, fine!
If not, it's fine too because you didn't waste your effort, money and time.

At least was hot. Mine was a bit weird looking

@p999 😂. Good to get back in the saddle
Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it and it has helped me see things clearly. He hasn’t led me on, he was clear and it was the flakiness on Sunday when he knew I’d gone to a lot of trouble that was upsetting.