Nc with parents they're now doing everything in their power to find me wwyd

[purplecrayola]

Last year things came to a head with my extremely abusive parents. They turned my family against me and my siblings had been raised to believe it was ok to treat me very badly and continued to do so despite us all being over 30.
My mum in particular was getting more and more manipulative and mean and I was beginning to get worried about her taking it out on my dc and eventually turning my own young dc against me or worse and it affecting my job as she was trying to befriend people who knew my boss and say bad things about me! It's always been like my mum absolutely hates me and only me. Abuse was both incredible violence and emotional. My mum covered up all abuse towards me and everyone that knows her thinks she's a lovely sweet lady.
This complicated matters even more got me as I was afraid people wouldn't believe me all my life if I spoke up.

Eventually last year I couldn't take it anymore. She's done some very cruel things and I could not go on in the same patterns. She threatened to cut me off as usual thinking I'd beg for her not to and I just said ok. Since then nearly a year ago she has only contacted me at Christmas and birthday sending a generic text. But predictably she's gone to anyone who will listen to her about me saying I am a terrible nasty person i don't even know what she's saying but I have a good friend who's told me some of what's she's saying.
The more I've ignored it the worse it got. She tried to contact anyone in my life she could get to me by. Finally me and dh Decided enoughs enough and moved far away. Unfortunately this meant cutting off many old friends in case my mum found our whereabouts. I got texts from so many people saying what's up with your mum why are you being so nasty, even my ex bf from 10 years ago she's tried anyone she can get hold of!

Recently my friend who I've known for a long time said to me my mums got in touch with her mum for first time in about 15 years. My friend who believes me said she'd try to stop her mum telling my mum where I lived but her mum is finding it difficult to believe me over my 'incredibly soft and lovely helpless mum' the same mum who beat me over and over but again no one saw that side. I'm now so paranoid she'll find me I'm considering cutting off this friend now when I really don't want to as she doesn't seem to be able to stop telling her mum about me which one turn will almost definitely lead my mum to find me.

In my old area when I told my mum to leave me alone she came to my house and got my neighbours to have a go at me I have no idea what she said to them but they turned on me and blanked me completely one day after previously being friends and tbh I'm actually worried about it all for my family. I know my mum will gain pleasure in turning up at my door as if to say I can't run away from her.

I don't know what to do. I'm so sad and struggling to hold down life while all this is going on. I just want her to leave me alone and never see her again. But I know she won't rest until she finds me and it's not in a nice way I haven't blocked her so if she wanted to call me she absolutely can she wants to hunt me down and turn up on my doorstep and be nasty. Sorry I know this is long but I am so desperate my mum seems to have everyone on her side and I don't know what I can do. I can move again this year if I need to as we literally ran away and packed our bags and ended up in a temporary situation as we were so sick of everything and also I was worried things might escalate.

I'm not sure what the answer is. There is certainly no easy answer. It's really tough protecting yourself from abusive parents; in our society people time and again believe the abuser over the victim, especially when it's a parent. They spin a sob story about their adult children "taking advantage" or "neglecting" them and everyone buys it without any critical thought whatsoever.

I assume you're ex directory? Are you on the restricted electoral roll (I can't remember exact term, but the one that means you're not searchable online)?

If she does turn up call the police. Just because she's your mum doesn't mean she gets a free pass to harass and intimidate you. Especially if you're in fear of violence.

Keep a diary. If there is a pattern of repeated incidents then it's harassment and the police can act (harassment is a course of conduct offence). They should assess the risk to you.

I would recommend speaking to the National Stalking Helpline for advice on how to protect yourself and what to do if she finds you and starts harassing you.

I appreciate you may not want to do this but you could report her non-recent abuse to the police. They may not be able to take it very far, but it would be recorded then.

If your friend can't be trusted to keep you safe you may need to cut her off. Does she already have information that would endanger you, though? Would she listen if you told her you'd reported your mum to the police due to her abuse? As in would that bring home to her the seriousness or not? (I don't mean involve the police just for this, but I'm wondering if there's anything that she would listen to or whether she's intent on disregarding you.)

She's not a very good friend if she's not respecting your requests or taking your safety seriously.

Worst case scenario, if relocating again is possible then I would do so but in a more planned way where you protect your address, block and cut off any means of contacting you, block and cut off anybody who will not safeguard you or may compromise your security, and with a clear plan on keeping your location safe. Would you consider changing your name?

Women's Aid advice on escaping an abuser applies here. I would use that as well as the National Stalking Helpline. Familial abuse is domestic abuse if it continued once you reached 16, and as it's continuing well into adulthood (albeit you haven't lived with her recently I assume) all the same practical safeguarding advice applies.

She’s dominating your life wherever you are. You need to start making some decisions based on the fact that you cannot change other people only your reaction to them.

What do you think she would do if she found you? Can you speak to a solicitor?

She must be incredibly persuasive if everyone believes her, why would they not question her behaviour? While most people do think that family ties are unbreakable there are plenty that understand dysfunction and will respect the decisions you’ve made.

Are you on the Stately Homes thread? Ask for advice on there. Stay strong. You might find the Out of The Fog website helpful as well.

Forget about the fact that this woman is your mum she is behaving like an abuser and a stalker so that's what she is.
Start treating her like you would a stranger who behaved in this way, keep a detailed log of everything that happens, you need to build the case against her.

Does your friend already know where you live now? If not then keep in touch but don’t tell her where you are. If she already knows then keep in contact anyway as it’s important to have people who believe you. This also counts as domestic abuse so you could ring women’s aid or local DV agency. Is she likely to be violent? If she is then phone police if she turns up

I would look into getting a restraining order preventing her from coming anywhere near you and your family. If she does, you call the police and get her arrested. I would also go to the police and report her for stalking you, which she is.

Is it possible that your mother is experiencing some cognitive impairment, does she have health issues?
Just wondering about the long-term trajectory of this and how best for you to plan.
She sounds absolutely awful but probably she shoots from the hip and doesn't have a strategy so if you can be strategic you should be able to think ahead of her.

So she's only contacted you directly with generic texts on your birthday and Christmas, but has ramped up the slagging you off to others?
I don't think you could get a harassment order for that, unfortunately. And instead of putting your efforts into her not knowing where you live (it kind of doesn't matter since she never really got in touch anyway),
I'd try and concentrate on how you reply to people who ask you about it. 'My mother was abusive' should be enough. If they question it, 'Well, she was.'
to you. This must be horrible.

I would look at contacting the national stalking helpline, and contact a solicitor about obtaining a restraining order. Many solicitors offer a free 30 mins consultation.

Ehm this is abuse? Heloo? Legal action i know she is your mother but she made your life a living hell.. next time she try something or turn up on your door record her and call the police.. she is not a real mother! Im a mom and I would never ever in my life treat my children like she treated you! Please consider it..
and you have really good advices here pleased try to call those advice lines

Can you ring your friends mum.

Tell her everything that your mum did to you as a child.

Tell her about narcs and their strategies. Tell her about flying monkeys.

Tell her what your mum will do if finds out where you are.

Ask her to block her or not reply to any messages.

Then tell her you are going to have to move again to stop the abuse coming back to your door.

Don’t hide what this woman has done or will do.

Forget about the fact that she is your mother she has not behaved like a mother in anyway
treat her as what she is, a person who has assaulted and abused you and who is now stalking you and harassing you.

I'd tell friend she can let slip to her Mum that you are moving cities yet again even though you aren't, just to make sure that your Mother can't find you. Tell her to say that she won't tell where so that it doesn't put her in the position of having to refuse info to your Mum or her flying monkeys.

Thanks for the replies. I have no idea what she will do. Last time she came into my house uninvited she tried to take things from my house that she claimed were hers in the first place. I just want her away from me and never see her again. I believe she would absolutely harm me if it came down to it. She has taken objects at me many many times unfortunately I have never spoken about any of it so no proof. I never fight back.

She is 4 foot 10 underweight and very underwhelming to look at. Ie very easy for her to play a victim because she is so small and for some reason everyone believes what she says. She plays the victim at every turn but at the same time will buy people gifts and small things all the time to express what a kind hearted wonderful person she is (never bought me anything though!) .

Unfortunately she normally gets away with saying bad about me by saying things so bad that no one would ever believe she'd say such things without them being true. Only a few close friends have come through to help me reacting in the opposite way, believing there no way I could have done what's she's saying and coming to ask me the truth.

My friend is one I've known all my life and previously my mum and her mum knew each other well but they lost touch. I never spoke about my abuse until I ran away. I cut most people out my life for fear of being tracked down and anyone I did give my address to I explicitly said keep that to themselves as I don't want anyone to find me. Which tbh probably made me look weird anyway.

I haven't thought about the electoral roll and will look at limiting my exposure on that today thanks.

I am definitely not an adult dc not supporting them, I gave them money I gave them lifts around for things they still treat me like this. I know it's abuse and if she left me and my life alone I'd leave it there. I'm desperate to never have to see her again.
I don't think any authority would take me seriously. All my siblings back them up so I imagine the authorities would hear their side and not believe me. They've been taught all our lives I am the dirt beneath their shoe, they will back my parents up immediately without question even though they must know deep down the way I was treated wasn't ok.

This is partly why I had to move areas. I don't speak to anyone in my family now and am much happier for it.

Definitely tell your 'friend' you are moving again. Feed her false info in dribs and drabs and hopefully that'll get back to your mum. Then cut contact or never tell her anything you would want to get back to your mum somehow.

I would also get some legal advice.

If you decide to move again, don't tell anyone where. But it really seems unfair that you should have to move yet in. Surely the police can do something. Even if you just report the abuse and harassment they will have to interview her and knowing that you are prepared to go to the police might make her think twice about continuing. Often bullies want you to think you are all alone and no one will listen, by going to the police you are showing her you don't believe that. That in itself might get her to back off.

Feeding miss information to people who you know will report back to your mother might be a good way to go?
Keep a careful record of what you say so that you can be consistent

how far away are you and what's the likelihood of her turning up again?

you mentioned she tried to take things from your home. If she turns up, you can't let her in!

is it worth emailing saying you've left the country?

you need to search online for all evidence of your address.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know someone who left the country because her crazy parents went on and on about her decision to be childfree. It was horrendous. Her parents still talk like they are the injured party but FWIW everyone just thinks they are ill.

@AutumnRose1 me and dh currently looking at whether we can move to a different country but with brexit etc not sure! It really is so desperate and I'm so grateful dh is supporting me.

I didn't let her in my home that time she came and claimed things were hers, I opened the front door in my towel seeing her through the glass after jumping out the shower (stupidly in hindsight) and she pushed past me and because I just had a towel round me I couldn't just run after her easily, I didn't expect her to do that and was going to tell her to come back later. Lesson very much learned!
We moved two hours away but I don't think it's far away and I know my mum. She will definitely want to come and send a message to my face that I will never get away from her.

I have only woken up completely to the abuse since having dc. The way she treated me was something I brushed off until I had dc and realised how could anyone treat their dc like this. I've been slow to acknowledge it and I think my mum is so shocked I'm finally getting away

I'm about 90 mins - 2 hours from my mum and I'm round there all the time, so it's not a deterrent. Before dad died, they were here a lot.

that said, you shouldn't have to run so far to get away. I'm one of these MNers who doesn't answer the door, so that explains that one - I would still say don't answer the door if you see someone you don't know, it could be a messenger from her but just don't do it anyway

tbh if you can afford it, a legal letter is probably best. If she comes by again, I would report her for stalking.

You are absolutely not alone in this, there are other people in your situation. Please get some practical advice on the Stately Homes thread. If you hear other people supporting you you might feel stronger.

Send her, your dad and your sibling a group text message.

State that after 30 years of abuse and toxic relationships that youre done.

Explain that if she continues to harass people for your address and turns up that you'll be calling the police as you have no desire whatsoever to engage in any type of relationship with any of them.

You do not have to justify your reasons to them or anyone.

I wouldn't send that group text message, there's no point in engaging with the flying monkeys unless perhaps you want to send deliberate disinformation to confuse them and create a smoke screen

there's no point in being honest or real with these people, all you can do is try to manage them and limit the damage that they do to you.

Never answer the door, never pick up the phone if you don't recognise the number, live in an apartment where you can be anonymous and see who's coming before they see you.
Don't have social media accounts.
Stop referring to her as your mum, she is not behaving like a parent she is your adversary, find another label for her, something which encapsulates what she is.

I think it might be worth speaking to a solicitor and to the non-emergency police helpline. They might have some advice for you; maybe there are legal steps you could take.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's not the first time I've heard of one sibling being emotionally and physically abused by a parent while the others are left untouched. It's hard to imagine what sort of a monster could do that. Sending you my very best wishes and hope you can find a way to cut her out completely.

Decent legal advice is probably cheaper than having to keep moving home. Explore the possibility of using the type of legal restraint used to prevent stalking.

It shouldn't matter whether your friend's mum believes you or not. The only thing you're asking is for her not to disclose any information about you. You're an adult. She doesn't need proof that your mum has abused you before she can respect your wishes. Anyone who can't agree to that needs cutting out of your life anyway.

Practice the grey rock technique. Don't respond to anyone who contacts you on her behalf.

Can you get a Ring doorbell? That way you'd be able to see her if she does turn up at your house, and you could tell her that you're away so there's no point her waiting.....