Nc with parents they're now doing everything in their power to find me wwyd

[purplecrayola]

Last year things came to a head with my extremely abusive parents. They turned my family against me and my siblings had been raised to believe it was ok to treat me very badly and continued to do so despite us all being over 30.
My mum in particular was getting more and more manipulative and mean and I was beginning to get worried about her taking it out on my dc and eventually turning my own young dc against me or worse and it affecting my job as she was trying to befriend people who knew my boss and say bad things about me! It's always been like my mum absolutely hates me and only me. Abuse was both incredible violence and emotional. My mum covered up all abuse towards me and everyone that knows her thinks she's a lovely sweet lady.
This complicated matters even more got me as I was afraid people wouldn't believe me all my life if I spoke up.

Eventually last year I couldn't take it anymore. She's done some very cruel things and I could not go on in the same patterns. She threatened to cut me off as usual thinking I'd beg for her not to and I just said ok. Since then nearly a year ago she has only contacted me at Christmas and birthday sending a generic text. But predictably she's gone to anyone who will listen to her about me saying I am a terrible nasty person i don't even know what she's saying but I have a good friend who's told me some of what's she's saying.
The more I've ignored it the worse it got. She tried to contact anyone in my life she could get to me by. Finally me and dh Decided enoughs enough and moved far away. Unfortunately this meant cutting off many old friends in case my mum found our whereabouts. I got texts from so many people saying what's up with your mum why are you being so nasty, even my ex bf from 10 years ago she's tried anyone she can get hold of!

Recently my friend who I've known for a long time said to me my mums got in touch with her mum for first time in about 15 years. My friend who believes me said she'd try to stop her mum telling my mum where I lived but her mum is finding it difficult to believe me over my 'incredibly soft and lovely helpless mum' the same mum who beat me over and over but again no one saw that side. I'm now so paranoid she'll find me I'm considering cutting off this friend now when I really don't want to as she doesn't seem to be able to stop telling her mum about me which one turn will almost definitely lead my mum to find me.

In my old area when I told my mum to leave me alone she came to my house and got my neighbours to have a go at me I have no idea what she said to them but they turned on me and blanked me completely one day after previously being friends and tbh I'm actually worried about it all for my family. I know my mum will gain pleasure in turning up at my door as if to say I can't run away from her.

I don't know what to do. I'm so sad and struggling to hold down life while all this is going on. I just want her to leave me alone and never see her again. But I know she won't rest until she finds me and it's not in a nice way I haven't blocked her so if she wanted to call me she absolutely can she wants to hunt me down and turn up on my doorstep and be nasty. Sorry I know this is long but I am so desperate my mum seems to have everyone on her side and I don't know what I can do. I can move again this year if I need to as we literally ran away and packed our bags and ended up in a temporary situation as we were so sick of everything and also I was worried things might escalate.

Yes I don't think texting is going to make any difference it might even inflame the situation. I have blocked everyone in my family except my mum initially to see if she would even bother contacting again which she didn't however ever since that time she has now contacted everyone around me to sabotage me and once she's done doing that it's me next.

I have removed myself from all social media, anyone with a connection to her anyone who believed her without question ie my own friends. She says things that make people think wow that is so awful that no one would ever lie about that.

I have actually moved to an apartment up high with a buzz in system just in case! I am paranoid now so much but trying to live my life and not let it all get to me. I believe she could hurt me but I have no proof. Maybe a solicitor would be a good idea. I hadn't thought of that. Maybe even just a letter from one might scare her enough

Go to the family court and apply for a non molestation order preventing her from contacting your directly or indirectly that includes through friends.

Yeah it couldn't harm to let her know you are willing to pursue legal avenues. She can talk smack all she wants but at the end of the day you are the one paying the solicitor so she can't sweet talk them.

Definitely get some advice n learn your rights. It couldn't harm to log things with the police so that if she harasses you again they already have record of her having done it prior.

Normaly id say don't break no contact for anything but maybe a 'this is to let you know that if I receive any further harassment from you in any way I will be pursuing legal avenues. Do not contact me again' and then immediately block again might be worthwhile, so that you can show you have already warned her. That way if she shows up at your house ect you can show that to the police too.

Then again,surely the fact you moved two hours away is telling enough as is. So whatever you think.

If you see a solicitor could you go to one in a completely different area to throw her off the scent?

So sorry OP, this sounds awful. If she does find you, definitely call the police. If you have any more interaction - especially if she contacts your friends or neighbours - I would be open with others about what she's like - don't let her present herself as a harmless old lady, tell people she is abusive and stalks you, and that if she contacts them to let you know so you can tell the police.

I’m so sorry you have to put up with this . Another suggestion - have you changed your name? You can do this for you DP and DC easily online by Deedpoll . If you name change surely less likely they will find you ?

you cant be the only one who knows she's batshit cray-cray OP, there must be some others who see through the act?

🌺what a bitch she is.
Call the police if she turns up. You do not want her in your life. You are entitled to do this.

I’d plan another move further away if possible.

Stay in contact with your friend but don't tell her you’ve moved - does she visit you, ie does she need to know where you’ve lived?

If she ever turns up and attacks you report to the police. Maybe even get an internal camera to record - so that you can get some evidence if she does kick off

I spoke to my friend she said she hasn't given out my address or whereabouts.

I am now thinking of moving further away until I can finally live at ease or possible to another country. I feel terrible on my dc moving schools again although they haven't really settled in well anyway and I'm talking early primary so not end of the world I don't think. Spent all day looking at new jobs. We were lucky in that we have jobs thats can be moved fairly easily but obviously very stressful and a lot of upheaval.

I did want to change my name but on top of all the moving apparently it would affect my credit score quite negatively so we held back on that. Thinking if we move again I'm just going to do it though.

I would speak to the police or a solicitor! It seems ridiculous to keep running away.

Can you put some cameras etc in your home so any bad behaviour is recorded?

This was me, I even went as far as changing my name. She passed away last year and I have finally gone back to my real name after 30 odd years. I don't know what you can do now, but I want you to know you're not alone
One thing I was prepared to do, was go to the police if she turned up and tried to come into my house, which she would because she felt entitled to all my belongings, money etc.

Speak to a solicitor.

And I would tell your friend that if her Mum releases your address it will mean that you have to move again - and that you will not be able to stay in touch with her.

And be careful of siblings too. Mine have found me on MN before, so now I constantly change my name.

You don't have to move again. You really don't.

Use the law for the stalking.

Use her own lies against her too. She says you are awful. OK. You have removed yourself so none of them have to deal with your awfulness. Anyone who believed her was never your friend anyway so cut them off. Don't try to convince them it was her not you. Just agree blandly that you know you make your mum unhappy, you can't change it and so you are staying away.

Me, I moved countries. I am glad I did, pre-kids, but it wasn't far enough to stop it all. In the end after I had children, I made a point of telling everyone I was close to in the new place that by the way I have a mentally ill mother who I have had to largely cut out of my life and I'm terribly sad about it but, well, once you've had children you have to protect them, especially from somone with delusions and a persecution complex. I did not go into any detail of past abuse at all. I made it kind of sad but boring. Just that she is mentally ill, has been for a long time, refuses to acknowledge it so treatment is impossible sadly. Looked sad but emphasised that she fakes normal well for short periods but is batshit. All of this is of course the truth!

It worked a treat. When she did come round she told everyone she could find about what a terrible person I am. She also tried to steal. Unfortunately for her all my friends, children's friends, neighbours, local shop assistants, local priest, the community police officers already knew me to be a nice normal woman who they recall once mentioned that she has that mentally ill mother. They smiled and nodded at her. Nobody believed a word. They all gave me sympathetic eye rolls later. Some sympathetic wine in the pub too. Bliss.

All her power to destroy me was gone.

She made new victims of some of those who had sided with her against me, of course, because she needs an emotional punch bag. Schadenfreude.

Yes I don't know if we will end up completely moving again but I'm not in a permanent living situation anyway unfortunately we packed our bags and left our house that we own behind and rented somewhere because it started to worry us to an extent we thought she might really go for it as she'd started to turn up at my dc school pretending I'd asked her to help do pick up! School never let dc go but it was worrying and she'd be there when I was. She'd also be posting random notes/things for dc through our door & eventually telling my neighbour to do it for her when I ignored her as I was 'too frightening' to talk to apparently. Which my neighbours fell for.

Some of the people she was telling bad things about me to were trickling back to my workplace and was really hard to deal with as not everyone was forthcoming in what theyd been told rather would just stop talking to me all of a sudden.

I don't mention abuse to anyone I tend just to say that I don't get on with my mum but yes I might say she's got mental health issues. I don't want that to end up reflecting bad on myself though so it is hard trying to pretend I'm holding it all together.

I do wish I'd already called the police on her now. There were so many incidents I could have done. She was so arrogant about the whole thing, always right and I was always someone that should be pushed down and squashed. It does make me so sad.

Christmas was much nicer for no involvement and I am trying to keep looking forward to better times. I have heard some people saying what's wrong with her when they repeated what she'd said about me to them so I can only hope she's truly showing herself up for who she really is. My friend today said she's eventually got to run out of people to gossip to as well.

Google yours/husbands name to see if there is any results linking you to your new address. Delete social media, reopen accounts in fake names if really needed. Remove yourself from the electoral role. Good luck

She really is bonkers isn't she? Try thinking about it differently now. Any bad thing she does is now ammunition for your non-molestation order / your stalking police case / or whatever your legal advisor tells you to pursue. Each new attack is a gift in that sense.

I’d definitely block her now and tell the “friend” you’ve moved and will be in touch with a new address but don’t. You could also spread the crazy mother story (it’s the truth of course) too.
You did right to get away and can and should use the law to protect you too if needed. All the very best. You sound amazing

I might say she's got mental health issues. I don't want that to end up reflecting bad on myself though
understandable
possible alternatives...
she has cognitive issues/cognitive decline/personality disorder
or 'circular movements with index finger at temple whilst making googly eyes' gesture.
You don't mention her age bracket but hinting at early onset dementia may be the way to go?