He won't let me end it

[ItsMilkAndEggsBitch]

This might be long or not depending on how much detail I choose to go into. So apologies if I go on one.

I have long suffered with my mental health, I've been with my DP 7.5 years and we have a DD together. I've tried to end things a few times and if I'm honest a couple of them in the early days were in the moment when I was having a really strong episode of bad mental health.
I have been thinking for a while now, months really, that I feel like I will be better off living away from him in the long run. Just the usual he doesn't do his fair share of things around the house but it really affects me when things get on top of me.
The last straw was this Saturday. I had a really bad episode and asked him to come home from work. I had a really strong urge to self harm that I couldn't control. My DD(4) was downstairs and had no access to upstairs where I had taken myself. I was having a panic attack and asked him to come home and he flat out would not so it sent me off on one. I was fearing that I couldn't control the situation or my head so I callled the emergency services and the police showed up. I was in a state with my daughter and never EVER want her to see me like that but I had no choice. I was completely isolated and he just would not come and support me.
He eventually came home after the police calling him and explained the gravity of the situation to him. He took me to the crisis team and we came home after I was feeling calmer but he didn't nothing other than that. Didn't talk to me. Didn't help around the house and he knows that I can't relax when it's a mess.
We had another fight yesterday and he blew up and stormed off upstairs, this made me feel worse and has made me realise I really want to end it now.
I just don't feel like he's supporting me enough even though we've had numerous chats in the past about this

I am going to try and end the relationship tonight while DD is in bed and other than the logistics of organising the split with the house etc I know he is going to flat out say he's not letting me end it. It's what he's said in the past. I even mentioned on Saturday I think things will be better if we lived separate and he told me that wasn't going to happen. It doesn't sit right with me and I don't know how I'm going to seriously get my point across and tell him that I want to end it. I just don't know how to do it.
Can anyone help? Sorry.

It's not up to him.
You don't want to be with him.
He doesn't support you.

If he's like this when you try and end things then is he abusive in other ways?

Would it be helpful to have someone like a women's aid support worker to help you strategise and stand firm?

Do you co-own your house?

Aw sorry to hear you are going through this!

I think it might be wise to make an appointment with your gp if you haven't already.

Second, you don't need his permission to leave. It is not a discussion. He can't say no. You have freedom of choice. Do you have somewhere safe you can go? Because i think realistically you may have to be the one to leave.

What is the housing situation? Rented? Owned? Who's name is on the lease ect?

I wouldn't like to say he sounds a selfish gut as I don't know his side but wtf anyone wouldn't come rushing home when their wife was taking a funny turn and their 4yr old was in the house with them is beyond me. Unless he thought you were having him on.

Either way, I think you might be best separate right enough. But please make sure to seek out relevant support for yourself elsewhere.

Good luck with it all!

He's not abusive he just doesn't take me seriously sometimes.
We rent so that makes things somewhat easier. Money is quite tight though so one of us will gave to stay with our parents. I only work part time so it makes sense for him to be the one. His mum only lives 15 min was away where as mine are quite a distance. Couldn't commute to dds school and stuff.
I am getting support I just don't know if it's enough, I have weekly CBT and the lady I saw from the crisis team is arranging for me to go to something at a community centre where they can help parents with how to cope when they aren't feeling well.
I'm just worried about how tonight will go

You can end it but you need to plan what you want first. Do you want to keep DD with you? Are you safe to do so? Is he likely to use your MH against you?

I think you need to get an exit plan in place before you tell him.
He will just talk you round otherwise.
I also think he must be abusive in other ways.
Why are you so far away from your support network?
Please give womens aid a call. It may be that he isn't abusive but I think you need to get some reassurance on that.
0808 2000 247. Or google and see if you have a Womens Aid local to you with a local number.
He can't make you stay if you don't want to.
Likewise, you can't make him leave.
So this will go on and on.
You need a good solid exit plan.
Get some outside help to do that.

Also have a read through of THIS THREAD it may help you identify if he is abusive in other ways.
Do you have full access to all money?
Do you go out with friends regularly?
Do you have any hobbies?
Do you get out of the house once a week for some alone time?

Our money has always been separate and we just pay for certain bills. No joint accounts or anything.
Ideally I would like him to go to his mums while he looks for another place and I keep this one while I save up for a deposit of my own hopefully this would mean me moving back near my family in summer, I would take DD with me and move her school so she starts the next school year in a new one.

I only moved to 'his side' because at the time you could get more for your money with houses here.

@Loveliveexplore thanks for the support.

You said you wanted to self harm because you felt isolated and your DD was downstairs. So if you split up, and your living alone with your DD - you will be completely isolated so how is this in the best interest for you or your DD

How many times have you asked him to leave work and come home?

Once you leave him you won't be able to ask him to do that anymore either, so what is your crisis plan? Do you have a crisis plan?

Whilst I appreciate your distress it's not fair to be calling anyone and demanding they walk out of their job whenever you are in crisis. You really can't do that to people.

Do you have a list of crisis numbers to call? So Samaritans, 111, crisis team, out of hours GP, GP, 999...? strategies to work through to try and prevent things deteriorating or to manage if they have?

Separately, you don't need his permission to end the relationship, but if he won't leave your home you need to make arrangements for you to do so.

I didn't want to self harm because I felt isolated. I had other things going on. I asked him for help and he didn't and that's when I felt isolated. My daughters best interests were at heart when I asked for help.
I followed all the right steps to ensure she was safe, this had been confirmed by the professionals who I saw on that day.
It's a chemical imbalance, I am not 'unhinged'

I sympathise with your MH problems, and of course, if you don't want to be in a relationship, you should be allowed to end it. But being alone with you when you're unwell doesn't sound like a very secure situation for your DD. TBH, I'm not sure how fair it is to ring your DP and threaten to self-harm, especially when you're alone with your DD.
I do hope you get what you need to heal, but please put your DD first through any breakup.

Will youWill he be able to continue to work full time and have residency of your daughter? Might it not be better if you moved back to your parents and then come over and visit her regularly?

I have asked him once. On Saturday.
I do have a plan, he was my first port of call because I don't want my DD seeing emergency services coming to the house and disrupting her so I tried to get him to come home so she didn't have to see that.
Everyone seems to be acting like I did a terrible thing but this has only ever happened once when she is in my sole care and that was Saturday once in 4 years. I followed the steps to ensure she was safe when I didn't feel well. This is not a thread about my capabilities as a mother with mental health issues it's a thread about asking for support in being assertive on ending a relationship where I don't feel supported

All anyone knows of this is the small chunk of information I posted on my original post.
I will not be answering anymore questions on or having anyone else comment on my parental skills.

I would hope that one of the agencies recognises the safeguarding issue for your child and contacts social services. Whilst i have sympathy for you in having poor mental health, it’s not safe for your daughter to be in the situation you describe. If they don’t do this then you and your husband should get them involved.

I don’t what would be best for her, but you need objective outside advice on what to do next. Splitting up without that with just lead to a repeat of the problems you experienced over the weekend.

I did not self harm. I had a really strong urge to and sought help.

I feel this has turned into a witch hunt. I will be asking MN to remove this thread.

As I've already state several times she was safe and I went upstairs away from her so she did not have to see me the way I was and I got help.

OP I don't think anyone's having a go or accusing you of being a bad mom.

You do need to realise though that he is very likely to use this against you and there's an official record of it.

It doesn't matter whether it's only happened once. You've had an episode when you were alone in charge of your daughter and posters don't want you to lose her so are letting you know how important it is that you seek professional advice before ending it because we don't want you to lose her.

OP you are asking the wrong people for help. There is professional support for you and you need to access it. For your daughters sake. Whether you or your husband like it or not, the police where there for a reason. Put quite simply because it was not safe for you or her.

Yes take this post down. But you must seek proper professional support for your situation.

Mental illness is more complex than "chemical imbalance".

You don't feel supported because you have unrealistic expectations. He is supposed to be your partner not your carer. If you had realistic expectations you would feel differently.

You can't post and then dictate how people respond or demand they agree with your perceptions. I not think your expectations or behaviour are reasonable, irrespective of your mental illness.

Speaking for myself, my post was not about your parenting but about the implications of you ending this relationship in terms of the support you have in place.

You are free to end any relationship if it is not working for you, but you can't expect it all to be on your terms just like you can't expect a relationship itself to all be on your terms.

You seem to think you should be able to end things because he didn't walk out of work and jeopardise his job for you, and make him move out. Does not work that way.

This is not a witch hunt.

You seem to expect everybody to defer to you and that is not how the world works.

I think you should move home. Makes more sense as you only work part time so renting and saving up wouldn't be easy. Perhaps your daughter could stay with him during the week and you most weekends?

I really don't think being alone is the best move for you if you have supportive family you can stay with. Plus the stress of renting on a part time wage might tip you over the edge. Also, i wouldsee his point if view if he thought - it is her that wants to leave me so...why should i have to be the one move out?

Make it easier on everyone (you included) and go stay with your fam.

WOW! Stunned at the responses here.
She said she has only asked him to come home once!
I completely get the safeguarding issue but mothers should be allowed to ask for help without them being deemed unfit parents.

The father in this situation refused to come home knowing the severity of the situation!!!

It's likely that being in a relationship she doesn't want to be in and feeling trapped in that is making the OP's mental health issues worse.

@user1481840227 people are more concerned about the fact that she had to call the police so that she didn't self harm in front of her 4 year old who she had sole care of at the time.

Everyone is just saying she needs to make sure there are things in place so that neither she nor the child are in that position again and so that her DP can't use it against her to try and get full custody.

It's not about her asking him for help, it's about her needing professional support.