Erectile Dysfunction or Me?

[TDJames]

Hi all I need your help!

I have been seeing a guy for 2 years now.
We're both 28. When we are intimate he very rarely gets an erection and it's really affecting my self esteem.

He has told me in past relationships he hasn't had issues.
I have tried everything even when performing oral he has lost his erection.

The worst part is the things he says to me are confusing and it's hard for me to distinguish wether the problem is him trying to hide that he has ED/low sex drive or me not being attractive to him

(without sounding big headed) I'm usually described as an 'attractive girl' I feel like he may just be anxious or threatened etc.

I have included some quotes from our texts on the issue below (Although he sounds confident he is actually quite the opposite in the bedroom)

PLEASE help me to figure out the issue here -

'Even if there was the perfect person personality and looks I don’t have an urge to kiss them and have sex. Sex happens when im horny and its not by how someone looks or acts but how i feel based on my thoughts'

'it does not work for me unfortunately that i have sex because you want it'

'I care about you and just hope you can learn to appreciate me and not treat me unfairly for the way i am'

'You might say something and then i am not attracted to you at all and then you say something else and I'm attracted to you
But you do turn me on in general'

'I know this doesn't sound good but in relationships i take it when i want it or at least try lol and thats it. It doesn't matter about what the other person wants'

'sex alone won't satisfy me its something else or I'd just use a prostitute'

'Its not that you didn't turn me on, well it is in some way but its the situation that turns me off'

If you have got this far reading my post thank you please share your opinion xx

Yes. He is totally fucking you over. What utter tosh he writes. Honestly!!!

I would guess at porn addiction!
He's a head fuck and not worth your time.
NEXT >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The text messages I quoted were from a conversation were he'd agreed to be 'open and transparent' about the issue in order for me to understand his low sex drive and inability to get an erection.

A lot of you have said about him being 'controlling' and 'narcissistic'
I've felt he is for a while now, however it is always in a covert, passive way which is more difficult to call out.

I haven't addressed him about the 'blaming me' and gaslighting yet.
Because I wasn't sure wether it was me and if this is a common issue.
My gut told me something is not right... it's never usually this mentally torturous!

But a part of me thinks this may be the beginning of him opening up and letting his guard down
(Stupid i know... typical empath)

Thank you all for your insight xxx

Google empath and narcissist relationship. And run for the hills!

He has 100% had this problem with everyone else and is a lying little toad

dump dump dump dump

Wtf? I thought you'd decided not to see him? Why are you talking as though you're hoping he'll change? He won't.

typical empath

By all means gloss the truth with meaningless words. "Empath" is just another word for "poor boundaries".

Bet hes a closet gay? Check his phone when he is asleep you say u have been with him 2 years. Was he always like this

Crikey he’s a piece of work! Often men who abuse testosterone/ anabolic steroids have this problem. If he’s addicted to the gym and his physique then that might explain it! He shouldn’t be trying to palm off his steroid abuse/ED by gaslighting you though! I think you can do 1000% better than this jackass!

OP, you can do better than him! Dump and move on.

'The ED is bad obviously

But the blaming me and the gaslighting and making me feel unattractive is far worse
and has messed with my head.'

End it now.

'I would much rather he'd just admitted he had an issue.'

Don't spend your time fighting that war. Half the time people with severe issues will never admit they have an issue, that's the nature of the beast. He will probably just keep falsely trying to blame you.

' a part of me thinks this may be the beginning of him opening up and letting his guard down'

You don't really want this mentalist to let his guard down. You presumably aren't a therapist, and behind his guard is a rabbit hole that never ends.

Focus on any inner holes you might have instead, and what will help you feel even better.

There are nice guys out there, either sorted or employing therapists to help them with this shit, so it doesn't effect their GFs.

Have fun and a relaxing life- you deserve it xxxxx

Yes it is stupid.

He sounds selfish and cruel.
Make it easy by leaving him!

Thank you all again! I can't express how helpful you have all been

In truth, i was unsure if what he was saying was actually 'bad' sadly I was just relieved he had 'opened up' about the topic.

Due to the gaslighting and the conviction in his tone I thought I may have actually been the problem.

My head was spinning hence why I made this account in search for reassurance and you have all been amazing.

I will 100% not go back, anyone can do better than being treated like this all the time.

He is controlling in subtle ways.

Believe this was me thinking he was being 'nice' there are other times he is brutal.

I understand I 100% need to work on my boundaries and unhealed issues from childhood to prevent me getting in situations with men like this!

Thank you all so much for your reassurance it has been more than I expected and a breath of fresh air in this toxicity xxx

You’ve done the right thing - hes not for you - good luck

Yeah I’m getting closet gay vibes from the rubbish he is dribbling. Whatever the reason behind it, do yourself a favour & give him the flick. He will destroy your self esteem.

I'd read this as he's shagging some one else or having a wank when you're not there (having what he wants when he wants it).

You could waste your life trying to fix this. Or you can move on and both enjoy your lives.

A first step may be to contact Womens Aid and sign up to their Freedom Programme.
It will really help you with your boundaries, spotting red flags and your self-esteem!
I'd also recommend you read the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.