Need someone else's view...was IBU

[bradfordtoliverpool]

Been with DP 17 years. 2 Dc (6 and 10).
Mil never been very nice to me, for no reason at all. Always favoured other children and never really bothered with dp and not generally very nice to him and favours other grandchildren. It is something that has always bothered me but as it is dp mother I have never said anything.
Anyway the other day I ended up telling dp that I don't like him mum, she favours other grandchildren and if he didn't mAke the effort with her I honestly don't think she would care and we wouldn't see her again. He took what i said really bad, said he would never agree with me and now I feel really bad for telling him and there is a really awkward atmosphere in the house between us.
Was I in the wrong for telling him what I thought?

Your not wrong to tell him and your probably confirmed what he thought anyway. It will blow over.

You could always, not be the ones to make the first contact all the time and see how quick she is to ring you etc....thus confirming or not your feelings

He probably already knew. It's hard to accept your own family don't treat you fairly. Also it would depend on how you told him.. In an argument? Out of nowhere?

No, you're perfectly entitled to your opinion. I'm surprised he reacted the way he did as you e been together a long time so must have discussed mil in the past. I guess it would hurt him though because you're saying mil loves him least.

Thank you for replies.
I actually feel really bad for dp for the way his mother treats him. He knows if he didn't call her or go around to hers he wouldn't hear from her again and that makes me sad for him.

I mentioned it because dc brought something up that she keeps seeing grandma with other grandchildren why does she not go out with her. We see them in the local shopping centre

Well telling someone you don't like their mother seldom goes down well, particularly when they like their mother. Then telling them that their mother wouldn't care if they never saw them again, isn't really going to be met by many people who love their mother with gratitude for sharing.

You're entitled to your opinion and to express it. He's entitled not to like it or be happy about it.

I do regret saying it now, but feel like it needed to be said

That wasn't a very tactful thing to say, that you think his own mum doesn't care about him, but I can see why you might've spoken out of anger/frustration.

I didn't actually say his mother doesn't care about him, although that's what I think. I worded it differently; if you didn't phone/call round to your mums she wouldn't bother with us

I think what you said to him probably hit a nerve. I am sure he knows deep down that you are right. Give him some time though.

YANBU. You said it because of the impact MILs actions were having on your DC. How your DH chooses to deal with her behaviour to him is one thing but when it affects your DC I'm afraid it becomes about more than him. That said, I can only imagine how awful it must be for your DH so if tread very carefully.

You confirmed his deeply suppressed knowledge that he is second best to his siblings and your DC are second best to the other GC.
No wonder he is hurt and upset. It’s kind of easy to pretend that isn’t actually the way it is and just go through life accepting “that’s just how DM is” until someone else points it out. It is also never nice to hear that someone else doesn’t like the parent you love- despite the way they treat you.
You did well to say nothing for 17 years!

OP - I am not sure why you felt the need to kick him where it already hurt probably.
What exactly did you hope to achieve?
Even if all your perceptions are true - what was he going to do with that? He has the moth at that he has, can’t change her.

Your issues are with MIL. If you wanted to address anything - you should have gone directly to the source and ask her why she doesn’t like to spend time with this set of grand children.
Or, better yet, if you want to encourage more time for them to be together - why not orchestrate that? Not for your sake, but for the sake of your kids. If kids’ relationship with GP is the focus that is, then you can put your pride aside and do what’s best for them.
Or - you can do what you do - express frustration to the person who can’t change anything.

@MMmomDD I was hoping that he would let her know how I feel as I don't real talk to her, she is not my mother and doesn't make and effort with me or my kids so why should I bother with her.
It would be nice for my dc to spend time with mil but she doesn't want to so I would not force it and it's sad really that she doesn't want to see them, it's not something I would approach her with as wouldn't want her to feel she has to have them it would be nice for her to want to see them

Thing is, OP - relationships take two sides.
And she probably feels just the same way about you - you don’t make an effort, why should SHE bother.
Both of you, somehow, think that the other has to make the effort. While you sit there and accept it.
IF you put your children’s interests first and wants them to have a fold relationship with the GM - you could put your pride away and arrange for that extended family time.
But for you it seems that making some point is more important, so this doesn’t happen and won’t happen, sadly. And your kids lose.

If what you wanted was for your H to try to coax his mother into being a more involved GM - the way you went about it was meant to achieve the exact opposite of that.
There wasn’t any need to be that hurtful towards your H.
As I said before - your issue is with your MIL. No reason to take it out at your H.
You didn’t seem to have built a relationship with MIL - for whatever reason. And I think there is probably two sides to that story.

I find it so hard to understand how you can be with someone for 17 years and never talk about such important things as his relationship with his mother .

Hopefully when he has calmed down and he knows you are not just being horrible, it will open the communication between you both and you can decide together how much you want to see this horrible woman.

Chamomile
The issue here, though, is that we don’t really know if OP’s MIL is horrible it not. What we know is that OP’s believe that MIL doesn’t like her.
It is entirely possible that if the MIL came on here - she could her side to the story with a DIL that never wanted to be part of a family and was always standoffish and how it sadly affected the relationship....
There are always two sides of the story and people are rarely just evil and horrible

@Josuk I never said she was evil
Strange that it was two years before I met her as do didn't mention her and she doesn't talk to members of her family on her side. That tells me something about her.
Anyway, it's too late because dc wouldn't want to go if asked now, which is sad for her and them.

Just because what you said was true doesn't mean it was kind.

I know it wasn't kind but I feel it needed to be said.

Why did it need to be said to him? I'm sure he is already keenly aware of how disinterested his mother is. You telling him that was all about you and your needs with no thought to him. I actually think that was an awful thing for you to do and can understand why he is upset.

I told him because he keeps making effort after effort and she is not interested and because I don't like the way she treats him.

OP - you are making less sense now.
You stated that you needed to say these things in hope that your H would do something and make your MIL see the grand kids more.
Now you are saying it’s pointless as the kids won’t want to go and it’s too late.

So - why exactly did it need to be said?
Was there anything else in that other than you wanting to vent and trying to hurt your H?
I actually feel bad for your H as he seems to be stuck in between his mother and his W. And he sided with his W to make things easier for himself.
It’s unclear what his mother is like. But it’s clear that his W is rather controlling and demanding.

@MMmomDD are you his mother 🤣🤣🤣

I ended up telling dp that I don't like him mum, she favours other grandchildren and if he didn't mAke the effort with her I honestly don't think she would care and we wouldn't see her again

That's pretty heavy stuff. You could have put that a lot more sensitively, and not all in one go, if you really felt it needed saying.

Just a "why do you think your mum doesn't take our DCs out as much as the other GCs? We keep seeing them in town, and the DCs are asking" would have been plenty for now.

I have been found out. Oopsy