Single life

[Itsallpointless]

Can anyone tell me how to 'get a life'?

I'm late fifties, split with ex in 2018, doubt I will ever have another partner.

How do I find a single life? I work FT, I go out A LOT, and yet I don't feel fulfilled. I see couples who have built up their relations with friends and families, I envy this as I'll never have it. So how can I be content alone? I feel inadequate, totally worthless. I want to feel 'complete' alone.

I wish I knew how to do that too! I'm 53 but an 11 yr old DD. Most of the time I feel too tired and menopausal to get a life

I don’t know but I’m following with interest

I’m confused. What do you mean? You have a life.
Do you want a partner? Or do you want to learn to be happy on your own? Do you think having a partner is what’s going to fulfill your life?

I think a good mantra for you, would be: 'Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got'.

You don't say why your marriage ended, but did you get a lot of validation from being half of a couple? If so, the big adjustment you need to make, is to feel that you are worthwhile on your own; once you've got that, then all your activities and encounters will feel less pointless.

A few sessions with a counsellor may help with this.

Come and join us on the happy singletons thread and see how we have all adjusted over the years.

Yes I second take a look at the happy singletons thread. Full of inspiring women who have realized they are happy single and wouldn't have it any other way.

I've been alone since my husband passed away 10 years ago (kids 4 and 6). I'm now late 50s and work for myself, have several good friends and though it would be lovely should romance appear I wouldn't want to get married or live with a man again. I'm happy on my own, certainly feel fulfilled and content. A partner should add to your life, not complete it!
Do you have anything- hobbies, interests etc that you are passionate about? What about volunteering- put someone else's need before your own and you may find it more rewarding than anything!
Perhaps I am fine being single because i did not get married till 40 so had many years where i had to rely in myself for everything - if i wanted to go out I had to arrange it. Travel? Solo or round up some friends.
My life is as worthwhile as the next persons. No one is better or luckier or happier just because they are part of a couple.
I cant tell you how to find the right way to be content and happy on your own. But I do know it's far better to be on your own than in a relationship that is bitter, disappointing or just plain dull.

buddhaatsea. I say I don't want a partner, but I secretly think I do. However, I'm not prepared to 'settle' (been there) so I'm not desperate. I just want to feel 'ok' with myself, not feel inadequate, or not enough just being one. I don't think a partner completes you, no I don't, but I just seem to be around couples, and feel there must be something wrong with me that I'm on my own.

walkacrossthesand no I don't think I had validation from being half of a couple, in fact, one of the reasons I finished with my ex, was because he was a loose cannon in company, inappropriate and embarrassing at times. The mantra is spot on

pipandmum that must have been a very difficult time for youI don't want to live with someone, I guess if I find something fulfilling and some good friends who are there for me, I'll be ok.

I just feel so worthless, and naively think that having a partner will relieve some of that. I think some counselling may be helpful.

Thank you all

I suspect you havent given yourself long enough to get over your relationship. It can take a long time. I'm nearly 3 years post-split and would say only in the last 8 months have I adapted to single life.

@Itsallpointless don’t be too harsh on yourself. As women, we’re conditioned to think we serve a purpose for the greater good of others. We’re daughters with a caring role, we’re mothers with a caring role, we’re spouses with a caring role etc.
Very rarely does society allow to see us women as...just people, individuals. We’re forever attached to some role or other.
So you feeing inadequate is a response to societal expectations: the worker bee no longer has a role.

What you want is to belong to a tribe.
When something or someone crushes you, it takes time to heal. You want it all to be like it was before, and it will be, if that’s what you want, but in the meantime stop and heal yourself. Focus on recovery. Get to know yourself a bit more.

I’m on the happy singleton thread too, come join us :)

Do you have close friends? Is there a local volunteer group you could get involved in? Walking group? Perhaps your sense of self worth was eroded during your relationship, well done for ending something that wasn’t right, counselling could be helpful.
I am similar age and loving the freedom of being single even if there are moments of loneliness it’s so much better than what went before.

Thank you for all your replies, I'm going to jump on to the singletons thread, there's inspiration there

sally yes I do have friends, but some are in relationships, so I have to make other social groups. A walking group is on the list

waxonwaxoff0 could you link to the happy singletons thread please? I can't seem to find it...

OP, I was widowed at 35 and have been alone (apart from raising my DC) for the last 28 years.
My advice is to go and do all the things you would have done as a pair anyway, plus pursue all your own interests.
I soon found it was perfectly ok to go to theatres, concerts, operas etc by myself, and I joined a bridge club and a table tennis club, and enjoy walking in fab scenery (I live in rural Scotland), plus I attend my lovely village church.
Life will not come to find you - you have to go out and find it! Indulge your hobbies and interests, join groups, do some volunteering, take a class, whatever floats your boat. Be open to trying new things - at the worst you won’t like them and can move on to try other things, but you may find new friends and activities.
Good luck!

Join us over on THIS THREAD
It is tough at first.
But you'll get there!

Look into local Am-Dram groups.
It's great for making friends and building your confidence!