How often do I need to communicate with my MIL?

[Mimosa20]

I need a massive rant and some advice!

I have lived abroad for the past 10 years away from my family. I have a good relationship with my own family, visit home often and speak with my mum a few times per week on an average. My husband's parents live 25 minutes down the road from us. His mother requires daily phone calls from him. If he doesn't call she does, and asks why he didn't call. She wants every single detail what it seems. We also have to visit them every week, he visits at least 2 times a week.

If this would be restricted between them, fine, but it is not. I also have to give this mil attention by texting and calling. Otherwise she'll give me the guilt trip 'would be nice if you call me', why don't you text me.She also expects texts from me saying I have arrived safely when I fly back home to visit my mum and family.

This woman has no respect of personal space, even thou my husband has told her she needs to back off because she is too much for me-but it does not seem to help much. I find her behavior very irritating and there is no way I will give her the attention she is craving.

I'd love to have a good relationship with her, but I find her controlling and if I do do contact her more, it is almost like I accept that behavior which I don't. I come from a family with many interests and a busy life. My MIL has brought up her 2 children and that's it. She has no hobbies.

Am I wrong to be so resistant to her neediness/controlling behavior?

That doesn’t sound good and no you are not being unreasonable to want to calm this down. It sounds as if your DH is on the same page with you which is good, you need to tackle this together.

What I would do is shut down her contact to a degree. You don’t have to answer the phone when she calls, or respond to every text, you know? Call her when it suits you a couple of days later, be friendly and normal. If she starts up with the “Why didn’t you call?” etc, just say calmly “We spoke last Thursday” or whenever it was. Just keep repeating that and if she won’t accept it after a couple of times just say “ Oh sorry, I have to go now” and finish the call. Be calm and consistent.

Both of you keep doing that and gradually diminishing the amount of contact you have to a healthier level - say a couple of times a week.

If you really can’t achieve anything this way, then longer term you might have to move. Is she like this with her other children?

Stop pandering to her, if she makes a passive aggressive comment just ignore it. If she asks why you haven't called, just say you're really busy and have nothing to report but you'll let her know next time you have any news.

My parents live 15 minutes from us and I see them around once a fortnight, message a few times a week as part of a family whatsapp. I'll then call my mum maybe once a week, sometimes less. DH rarely has separate, individual contact with my mum and she'd never expect him to.

I can't think of the last time I initiated contact with my MIL. We text to say happy birthday, and she might text me maybe 3 other times in the year. No way would I put up with contacting her every week. I'm glad they don't live so close as I'd struggle to spend time with them every week, I'd resent how that would eat into our family time.

Sounds like your husband may need to cut the umbilical cord or at least start to loosen it a little. Surely there's no need to see her 3 times a week- for anyone with a job that must eat into family time with you. Telling her every detail of his life seems weird but his choice. She absolutely can't expect the same from you though- and you're DH needs to tel her to back off and give you some space.

There has been a lot of discussion with my husband that his mum is a bit too attached too him. Although I respect every family have their own culture, I think it is unreasonable that I would need to fully embrace myself in their (which to me) is disproportionate amount of contact. @HopeItComesWithBatteries My husband has a sister who is divorced (no kids) and lives 2 hours away from the parents. I don't know how much MIL pesters her but I do know that she's done therapy because of her mother (yes not good).

In the beginning of our marriage my husband was even pushing me to feed into his mothers clinginess by calling her and ensuring I become good friends with his mother etc. He failed to see it is not normal, and if I could choose my friends, I would not be attracted to someone who is clingy. We also share nil interests, as a matter of fact, she hates the things I love. I refused to feed into this, and after many discussions and considering couples counselling because of this problem, he slowly recognised that his mum most likely suffers from the empty nest syndrome, feels lonely and has no hobbies. I think there is more to it personally. He is now much better, but still sometimes let's his mum thread on our shoes. Eg. when she asks what we've had for dinner (I know!) and he says we've have veggies she laughs because to her, it is not real food that feeds HER SON. Instead of defending our cooking, he laughs with her. This very much irritates me but I don't want to constantly tell him off.

My husband works in a busy job with long hours. I am currently pregnant and will cut down my hours soon. MIL has started to become more and more involved in my pregnancy and has come to the point she wants to know when my next appointments are. She is super excited about this baby-but equally this causes me having tons of anxieties. I am very personal and don't like sharing things very easily, like my health data.

If I were you (which I am, I’m going through the exact same) I would accept my husband has this kind of relationship with his mother and just live your life the best way you can. Just because you married him there’s no reason you have to become really close to her. Keep your contact minimal. Why do you have to contact her all the time she isn’t your mother. Explain this to your husband delicately.
This is your pregnancy not hers. For the sake of your health and the babies, do what makes you happy. I, myself have had to tell my partner I will no longer be visiting his mums with him regularly as I can’t hack the woman. When I do go she is highly critical and makes digs at me whenever she can and no one notices. For example she is Asian I am white and when talking one day she explained her dislike for ‘crap white people food’ and told me she didn’t want her son eating it. She phones him every few days to have a go at him if he hasn’t been to visit and demands to know the next time he’s going. She takes large amounts of money off all her children regularly because she doesn’t work and has no income. I could carry on but you get my jist! Just know you aren’t alone and I know EXACTLY how tough this situation is!

I'm sorry you are in the same situation as me @restingbitchface30. Same here Asian MIL and I'm western. Husband born in the west.

This situation is so tiring and you don't want it to affect your relationship with your husband. As much as you get the advice to ignore the behaviour of the MIL, I find it difficult to stay civil without being too giving or too cold. I'd love to be able to not communicate much with her, but I don't think my husband would appreciate it unless there is a real reason. I am waiting for that situation. MIL has already done many things which would validate me cutting contact, but in his eyes it's "she only means well", "I'm sorry my mum is a bit intense-but that's her". The amount of fights we have had because of her are numerous.

My MIL is also highly critical and negative. I hate visiting them-it is just so boring and tiring having to defend all my choices.

Is there a FIL around?

Yes, but he is quite chilled and passive. He does not bother me at all. The MIL finds him very irritating however. Don't think they've had a very loving relationship but more practical: man works, woman cooks @ohfourfoxache

Can't you view it as a cultural difference and perhaps acknowledge that with her? Perhaps say openly that you struggle with the level of contact she expects, and that you need privacy and time on your own with DH.

I think I'd do something like text her something bland once a day/every couple of days and rather than seeing her every week, go alternate weeks.

She will ramp it up with the pregnancy and birth, so having good boundaries is essential. But you've got to look at the upsides as well - presumably she's going to be a keen babysitter.

I'd love to be able to not communicate much with her, but I don't think my husband would appreciate it unless there is a real reason.

“I don’t want to” is a real reason.

Do read the Out of the Fog website.

FIL is the passive bystander in all this as well as enabling her to carry on like she does. This man has also failed his now adult children here by failing to protect them from the excesses of her behaviour towards you all now. This is also not just solely a cultural issue; have you actually considered she may well have some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder.

You need to apply firm and consistent boundaries re her and your H will ultimately need to do the same. She will continue to try and take over your entire lives if you allow this to continue in the same vein. Your H, due to his being conditioned so and thinking all this from her is normal will not be able to defend his own self let alone you and his children. He would on some level want you all to get along so that he does not have to deal with his dysfunctional mother.

You will never have anything like a good relationship with someone as disordered of thinking as your husband's mother is. Why you at all wrote you want this I do not understand, not all relatives are nice and importantly emotionally healthy.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not at all. I note also without much surprise that his own sister has needed therapy as a result of this woman as well. Your H needs the same, he seems mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt. It is also your H's inertia re his mother that hurts him as well as you; your H is not entirely without fault here re his mother.

And I would not want her as a babysitter either. She has already harmed her own son and daughter markedly; do not subject your child to someone like his mother.

I would be tempted to make sure you mention the amount of contact you have with your own mother and explain that you should have similar amount of contact with her or less! Emphasis the regularity of contact not face to face v phone as your Mum is not in the same country.

She’s always going to be annoying, clingy and needy and your DH will never tell her.

I was in a similar situation with exH’s family for 11 years.

I wouldn't feed into it at all. And god help you when the baby arrives if you don't set clear boundaries now. I would hope she doesn't have a key to your house, allowing herself to walk in unannounced. If she does then just change your lock and don't give her a key.

There is no reason you need to be in daily contact with her. What your Dh chooses to do is up to him. You don't have to visit once a week, not even once a month. Your Dh can go alone if you don't want to. What's she going to do about it? She can moan all she wants to but you do not have to bow down to her demands. Just tell Dh that you are not going to be texting her regularly and you won't be visiting every week unless you feel like it. Let him deal with her after that. Start pulling back now before you have your baby. And when baby arrives be firm as to the level of contact you are comfortable with.

I never contact my MIL ever.... my DH took along time to cut the cord as she was demanding of him. He stills calls her a lot but they live to far away to drop by. He tried to get me to start calling her and I gave him my mums number and asked if he was going to be calling her.

Absolutely. I just find this needy controlling behavior so unattractive, and honestly have no clue why my husband or mil fail to see this. How would it ever make a good relationship between us which they are pushing for. It is retarded and has the totally opposite effect.

The good things is that my husband has started to be much more supportive of my reaction to her behavior but he still lets her do it.

I don’t plan to give her the keys. There’s already been one key drama which I did not respect. I have no trust for her anymore. She’s just plain controlling and manipulative end of the day.

I wish mil would just be more chilled and not so possessive about their sons. I know not everyone is; but there seem to be a lot of wives with the same problem.

My advice for you is to have clear boundaries when your baby arrives. My family were 400 miles away and his were closer but they treated my like I was a pod for there GC. Had opinions about everything...took my DH a long time to climb out of the FOG and stand up for me and himself and his parents went NC for a year...needed to happen to re align the relatonship

Sounds like he well and truly fooled and manipulated you into marrying him and falling for his bollocks hook, line and sinker.
He is NEVER going to cut the apron strings - not whilst you're putting everything on a plate for him and excusing all his piss-taking.

He sounds like those men who want a 'western' woman (more 'fun' than the traditional women) so HE can live the life HE wants - but he wants her to eventually morph into a traditional woman who ties herself to MIL's apron strings and carries on HIS cultural expectations.

In the beginning of our marriage my husband was even pushing me to feed into his mothers clinginess by calling her and ensuring I become good friends with his mother etc. He failed to see it is not normal
Well of course he did!
The manipulative fucker was already 'programming' you with a script!
With you acting like a 'traditional/good DIL' it would have meant his mum would eventually lay off HIM - and you'd be brainwashed into believing it was your 'duty' to have this type of relationship with her.
He wanted to USE you to make an easier life for himself re his mother - without it ever being known that HE is pissed off with her behavior and wants it to change.

The good things is that my husband has started to be much more supportive of my reaction to her behavior but he still lets her do it
Well he isn't actually supporting you is he?
He's paying you lip service and humouring you without actually taking any action that makes a marked difference for YOU.
What a catch he is!

When asian women fall into this trap, realise and then try to assert boundaries, they find that their husbands pile on the emotional blackmail, get accused of being bad DIL's and trouble causing....and of course - not 'respecting' their religion/culture/bollocks.

I highly doubt he will change.
He seems to have a penchant for trying to manipulate you every opportunity he gets....and you're too much of a fool to see it.
He blatantly disrespects you in front of his mum, laughing at your cooking etc - and you let him get away with it, making excuses for him.
"He loves me".......yea, his lack of actions and deliberate continuous manipulations of you are definitely coming from a place of 'love'

If he can't stand up for you now, he definitely won't once a baby comes along.
MIL's 'status' will elevate once a grandchild arrives - and he will not allow himself to be seen to be 'disrespecting' his mother.
Not in his culture - and especially not when you don't have any backbone when it comes to dealing with his crap.
It's going to be easy to browbeat you when you're knackered, emotional, hormonal, not getting enough sleep, got 101 people descending on you etc
I hope you have your own account with money/savings so he can't use finances to control you when you eventually stand up to him?

As for mil not having hobbies - well that will magically change once her grandchild gets here, cos THAT is going to be her hobby.

I've seen so many women fall into this trap - and none of them even thought to have these conversations BEFORE getting married despite knowing what it was like.

I’ve experienced similar... you have to work out what you’re comfortable with and set boundaries according to that especially once kids come into the picture. For me once a week is too much, I have done more frequent visits occasionally eg around Christmas but generally I try to keep to around once a fortnight or at least ten days. My parents live a good distance away so we see them for five days or so every three months, so it’s pretty fair, of course MIL doesn’t see it that way but I’ve learned to stop giving a shit what she thinks, this preserves my relationship and my sanity and gives back her less opportunities to hack me off so it’s better for everyone!

Boundaries! You could arrange to see her with him on a particular date however far in the future you want and then whenever you are asked before that say you are saving up your news for DATE when you see her. Anything you don’t want to tell her at all eg gender/the name is a surprise for her after the baby comes.

Have you spoken to your DH about what will happen when his parents get old? Are there expectations about your role in their care? I’d be very careful to lay down now what your expectations are.

Any chance of moving further away? Did you move to be close to your MIL? What is the cultural norm for her culture when you have a baby? Will she be expecting to have a huge involvement with the baby?

I have discussed boundaries with my husband reg MIL and he knows very well what they are.
He also knows that this baby will be ours and only ours. He knows he is risking our relataionship if he would involve his mum too much. She’ll see the baby when I come to visit. Other than that no extra visits just because there is a little one. She won’t have any input in names etc. If there is any I will tell her or my husband off. I will be the gateway to this baby end of the day: it MIL is too difficult treading on my shoes and husband unable to support me we are done. That means me moving far away from them and they won’t see the baby much at all anymore. I don’t want that to happen and that’s why I try to have very strict boundaries. I’m fine with my finances thank god.

I think it will be a matter of time before husband starts see the big picture how irritating his mum is with me! I dearly hope at least...he’s taking small steps.

But these phone calls every night and visits from him twice a week plus when you go together- you are going to resent him very quickly when you are left holding the baby while he indulges her. His focus should be you and the baby after work, not her. They need to be scaled back too surely?