How often do I need to communicate with my MIL?

[Mimosa20]

I need a massive rant and some advice!

I have lived abroad for the past 10 years away from my family. I have a good relationship with my own family, visit home often and speak with my mum a few times per week on an average. My husband's parents live 25 minutes down the road from us. His mother requires daily phone calls from him. If he doesn't call she does, and asks why he didn't call. She wants every single detail what it seems. We also have to visit them every week, he visits at least 2 times a week.

If this would be restricted between them, fine, but it is not. I also have to give this mil attention by texting and calling. Otherwise she'll give me the guilt trip 'would be nice if you call me', why don't you text me.She also expects texts from me saying I have arrived safely when I fly back home to visit my mum and family.

This woman has no respect of personal space, even thou my husband has told her she needs to back off because she is too much for me-but it does not seem to help much. I find her behavior very irritating and there is no way I will give her the attention she is craving.

I'd love to have a good relationship with her, but I find her controlling and if I do do contact her more, it is almost like I accept that behavior which I don't. I come from a family with many interests and a busy life. My MIL has brought up her 2 children and that's it. She has no hobbies.

Am I wrong to be so resistant to her neediness/controlling behavior?

I felt as if I was reading my own words when I opened your post, though my MIL is English (I am the foreign one in that story) so I suspect it is an individual rather than cultural thing.

Literally everything is the same - messages several times per day, calls to DH, need to 'take care of her son' (as in iron his shirts when she comes to visit so 'that he doesn't have to'), asking things I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone other than my DH (she even wanted to come to my ultrasound appointment INSTEAD of my DH so that he wouldn't have to stress/take time off work). I always thought it was my fault as I am a very private person and I believed I had more need for personal space than most people so I blamed myself for tension I felt around her. Took me a while to realize and have DH see how unhealthy this is.

Setting boundaries after playing along is not easy but you have the perfect opportunity now with the baby coming. It is a major change and opens space for changes in other aspects of your family life - such as setting firm boundaries with your MIL. One word of caution -make sure your DH understands that he needs to be CONSISTENT when it comes to communicating boundaries. He can't be reacting to her crossing the lines you set together one day and then not reacting at all the next because 'he had a hard day', 'he can't confront at the moment' etc. This was the main thing we had to work on.

@Aneley I’m so sorry for your situation! It sounds so irritating, hope the situation will improve soon!
Me too, I think it’s an individual thing and not cultural. My husband’s family isn’t super traditional. Thankfully, I started showing my discomfort with her clinginess quite early so setting boundaries have been easier I guess. But even if give way a tiny bit she’s like a leech all over again. So sadly I have to be super cold cause otherwise she’ll take the opportunity. It’s a very annoying situation because I’m not a cold person. I just want my own space. The most irritating habit of hers thou is that’s he’s trying to win my attention over my mum. Mil also tries to compare herself with my mum and gets very competitive if my mum “is better”. She has problems with her self confidence for sure. I don’t understand what she thinks, but my mum will always become before her whatever happens.