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Original poster

Mil and new baby

40 replies

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 11/01/2020 23:38

I have posted twice before for advice about my mil and was advised it was best for my mental heath to go nc.
My dp and ds are lc with them. As is my dd from a previous relationship.

Backstory: Mil is the gate keeper and everything must go through her- cards, calls etc.
She has 'illnesses' suddenly when she doesn't get what she wants.
Has called me a good digger, classless and laughted when I miscarried our first baby as I "couldn't even trap her son properly."
She has also physically tried to attack me.

Anyways dp has supported me 100% in having no contact and this 2 years has been the best 2 years of our 6 years relationship.

Now the problem is I am due to give birth in two weeks.
He has told her my c section date Hmm why i have no idea.
But he say he supports me in not having them at the hospital considering i'll be just after surgery with my catheter still in like last time- they looked at me like I was contagious.

But then I cant imagine dp taking our newborn away from me to meet them.

How would you facilitate so they can meet baby?
How long would you think is long enough for baby to go out visiting?
(Everyone needs to go to them-they don't go out. And I selfishly don't want to be away from the baby for too long.)

OP posts:
altiara · 11/01/2020 23:41

You’ll have a newborn baby. If they want to see baby, then they come to you.

Myyearmytime · 11/01/2020 23:43

Tell the hospital that you dont want them near you .
And to not let them in . No matter what your husband says .

Willow4987 · 11/01/2020 23:45

I agree with PP - you’ll have a newborn who needs to stay with you

Let alone the c section recovery

They want to see the baby then they come to you

If they won’t, then they will just have to wait until you’re comfortable to be parted from the baby even if that’s weeks after

CooCooCoo · 11/01/2020 23:46

Fuck that, the should visit you not the other way around!

Weenurse · 11/01/2020 23:47

They come to meet new baby on neutral ground for example picnics in the park, so if things get bad, you can leave.
Either that or DH can Skype

Megan2018 · 11/01/2020 23:47

My DH is LC with his mother, she first met our baby at 12 weeks.
If they won’t come to you they don’t meet the baby. End of.

Original poster
PleaseGiveMeAShake · 11/01/2020 23:48

It's more when we leave hospital how do get them to meet baby.
I don't particularly want to be in the same room as her as I am happy being nc. But that then means dp needs to take baby away when she will still be so little.
Rubbish situation all round Sad

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 11/01/2020 23:49

They can come to your house in due course to meet the baby. You can be upstairs in bed 'resting' if best.

CalmdownJanet · 11/01/2020 23:49

They come to you, although personally hell would freeze over before they saw any of my kids after the miscarriage comment, but if you are really ok with them seeing the baby god knows why , then give yourself a few weeks and tell them they can come for an hour at a day/time that suits you, if they don't come fuck them, I wouldn't be rolling out the rest carpet either, take yourself off to the bath with a timer set for 60 minutes so you can kick Satan back out on the button

GrumpyHoonMain · 11/01/2020 23:51

They should come to you really. Your DP is a fool for even suggesting to travel up with a newborn without you - just say if he wants to make the drive he can pick up and drop off his parents instead.

JasonPollack · 11/01/2020 23:52

What @Mumdiva99 said. Short visit at your house while you nap. When you're ready so like, 10 days in or so.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/01/2020 23:55

It depends how your recovery goes and whether baby is bottle or breast fed.

I agree it's unfair to take baby away from you and if she wants to meet them she can come to you and you can be upstairs.

MsF1t · 11/01/2020 23:56

Wait. They don't need to see the baby when it's tiny. A newborn on the other hand, does need to be with its mother. I can't imagine allowing a newborn to be taken away for any length of time to suit people like that.

If they won't come to your house and they MUST see the baby then why not Skype or FaceTime? Your husband needs to stand up to them here.

Original poster
PleaseGiveMeAShake · 11/01/2020 23:57

Mumdiva99 that's a great idea. We are on one floor but I could be taking a nap when they visit. It seems so simple when someone else points it out.

CalmdownJanet I would happily cut them off as I have yet to find any good they being to the children's lives. But I trust dp to take the lead and make sure they are safe emotionally and physically during the visits. It's only visits 6 a year at most.

OP posts:
Feedmylambs · 11/01/2020 23:58

Simple answer is she doesn’t see your newborn. She sounds evil and she lost haf privilage.

Original poster
PleaseGiveMeAShake · 12/01/2020 00:01

She is very evil when she doesn't get what she wants.
Sadly due to the medication I am now on I can't breastfeed like I did my other two. I am sad baby and I won't have that bonding time, I think that's why I am really worried about being parted from her for too long.

OP posts:
HuggedTrees · 12/01/2020 00:03

I’m going to answer with try don’t need to meet your baby. Baby stays with you, no one sees them. Simple.

Original poster
PleaseGiveMeAShake · 12/01/2020 00:13

I'll probably go with nap/hide in the bedroom. And hope they don't stay long.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/01/2020 00:27

If you're worried about being parted they wait until you're ready. Don't try and plan in advance. Tell DP you'll let him know when you're ready.

bank100 · 12/01/2020 00:32

You will just have had a baby and that baby will just want / need you.
You could clearly do without the stress of this in late pregnancy & early days with a newborn.
There is no great rush for her to see baby, wait a couple of weeks at least. And even then, a v short visit on your terms. Glad DH is being supportive.

elmosducks · 12/01/2020 00:33

Another vote for nap time. Bon chance

Original poster
PleaseGiveMeAShake · 12/01/2020 00:42

He is being very supportive and saying all the right things.
But I still have slight doubt he will let me down like he did last time when our son was first born.
He let me go through hell before he realised it was them that were making me so unwell. He has been firm with them for the past 2 years when it comes to visits. But he has not really been in the position where his loyalties have been tested. So I suppose I am hoping he will support me like he says he will.

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 12/01/2020 00:42

If doing nap idea you need to have a very clear and firm word with dh beforehand about their leaving time. I have worried about them not going and you being stuck upstairs or coming down and there being trouble.
Dh needs to bring baby up to you after agreed time.

Original poster
PleaseGiveMeAShake · 12/01/2020 00:50

That's a good point I hadn't thought of HeronLanyon We'll definalty will need to agree an end time before hand or they would try to stay all day.

OP posts:
Mimosa20 · 12/01/2020 04:53

You need to tell your husband to tell his mother not to come to the hospital. She will meet the baby when you the mother is ready. Hopefully everything goes well with the c-section. Take your time to recover, bond with the baby and enjoy the newborn. When you're home from hospital you can think about arranging that dreaded meet the baby moment.

I honestly do not understand grandparents think they have all the rights regarding a grandchild. It really irritates me.

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