Mil and new baby

[PleaseGiveMeAShake]

I have posted twice before for advice about my mil and was advised it was best for my mental heath to go nc.
My dp and ds are lc with them. As is my dd from a previous relationship.

Backstory: Mil is the gate keeper and everything must go through her- cards, calls etc.
She has 'illnesses' suddenly when she doesn't get what she wants.
Has called me a good digger, classless and laughted when I miscarried our first baby as I "couldn't even trap her son properly."
She has also physically tried to attack me.

Anyways dp has supported me 100% in having no contact and this 2 years has been the best 2 years of our 6 years relationship.

Now the problem is I am due to give birth in two weeks.
He has told her my c section date why i have no idea.
But he say he supports me in not having them at the hospital considering i'll be just after surgery with my catheter still in like last time- they looked at me like I was contagious.

But then I cant imagine dp taking our newborn away from me to meet them.

How would you facilitate so they can meet baby?
How long would you think is long enough for baby to go out visiting?
(Everyone needs to go to them-they don't go out. And I selfishly don't want to be away from the baby for too long.)

OP - I'm really sorry to read your post at what should be the happiest time looking forward to your LO's arrival. If you don't want your MiL to come to the hospital, tell your midwife in good time and she will not be admitted. If she choses to kick off, she will be escorted from the hospital.

My two pennyworth.....

1. Newborns need to be with their mums tell OH this and that LO will be with you
2. You do not have to go to your MiLs house
3. When MiL comes to meet LO is entirely up to you and how you feel
4. When MiL does meet LO, I would suggest it is at your house for an agreed amount of time. Then MiL leaves. The other alternative would be to wait until you are feeling stronger and then meet at a neutral place (local cafe?) so you can just leave when you need to
5. Start as you mean to finish regarding the future, agree everything with your OH and stick to it.

I just cannot believe the selfishness of some MiLs and this comes from a MiL

If you're going to have them at your house I would arrange it a couple of hours before another event that your are all leaving the house for if you possibly can do that it's harder for them to just stay.

Also, just in case it's useful, have you double checked with Wendy at the Breastfeeding Network that you are not able to breastfeed whilst taking your medication? Apologies if it's not relevant but lots of doctors actually don't know much about medication and breastfeeding. You can contact Wendy directly, she's usually pretty good at responding.

Make sure you're not actually "napping"/in bed if you do decide to stay in your bedroom. Just in case she decides to walk in on you. You'll feel vulnerable if you're in bed and she comes in. Get dressed and read in there. If you can, arrange for a friend to come over at the "leaving time" and take your baby out for a walk with your friend. Even better, have a friend over for the whole visit. Who cares what your MIL thinks about that.

I know having them over at yours while you "hide" seems a good/easy idea. But there's something about it that puts you in a vulnerable position. You're "stuck" in the bedroom until they decide to go. Having a friend round would be support for you. Or if you have a separate kitchen, it would feel harder, but you could stay there. It would feel more like you sending the signal that this is YOUR home and you're not hiding from anyone.

Tbh, personally I would put off any visit until your baby is much older and you feel happy with your dh taking your baby out for a little while.

The baby doesn’t need to meet its grandmother.

If the grandmother wants to meet the baby she will need to wait and the more she kicks off, the longer she will have to wait.

Personally I wouldn't let them see the baby until you are all fit and well and the baby (your hormones will be all over the place) is at least 6 months old

But if you feel that is ok to see the baby earlier, agree a time scale with your dh that your mil will be in the house for, say 30 minutes. Tell your dh if the aren't out by then you'll come down stairs and kick them out. If needed you could simple walk into the room, take the baby and tell them 'ok, times up, you, you can leave now' and walk out of the room. No need for pleasantries

"I would happily cut them off as I have yet to find any good they being to the children's lives. But I trust dp to take the lead and make sure they are safe emotionally and physically during the visits. It's only visits 6 a year at most".

Its six visits too many and this man has already informed your mother about your c section date possibly because of being so conditioned along with his own fear, obligation and guilt. I would not rely on him at all to keep any of your children emotionally safe during any visit to them and I doubt very much as well he would be able to defend you verbally if she said anything nasty about you.

You have no contact with his parents and it needs to stay that way. You maintain your no contact boundary here. These people were not good parents to your partner when he was growing up either and they have not fundamentally altered since that time.

Why would you at all want to subject your newborn child to them or your DS for that matter given how the two of you as this child's parents have been treated?. Protect all your children from these people, you're going to have to be the one to do that. Your partner seems both unable and unwilling to actually assert his own self here mainly because he has never been encouraged by either parent to have any boundaries of his own. He needs therapy as well as properly now tackling his own inertia re his parents.

Your man is mired in fear, obligation and guilt and you're seemingly having similar problems too in this respect - all this about how you facilitate such contact. Short answer is that you personally do not.

I'd have them come to you with a set visit time and end time ... you 'nap in your room but actually just be resting, listening to music with the door locked or wedged shut. Have a friend, family member turn up after however long you want them there.

I wouldn't do the nap thing - everyone knows youre not asleep and only hiding in the bedroom and I think that gives them the upper hand. Instead use the time to take a well deserved bath, wash and dry your hair etc. And then, after an hour, DP brings baby to you or you come in to get baby and take them to put them down for their nap. No reason then for visitors to stay.

I really think she would enjoy the power she has over making you hide in your own house/being able to walk around with you hiding.

Wait and go to a cafe or just don’t bother, really tell your DH baby stays with you.

That's could be another option HuggedTrees
We have a very local fastfood restraunt. I could sit and eat with the 2 dc and dp could sit with them and new baby.
I'm not to sure she would agree to that but that's not my problem. We offer she says no then she sees her when she is bigger.

I feel like I am being unreasonable because

1. I don't want dp to take baby away and I am parted from her.
2. I grudge mil being in my house after the disgusting comments she said about the miscarage. She is no 'loving' grandmother.
3. I don't think she would meet in a public place (which would be ideal for me) because she think people watch/ observe her I have no idea
4. I don't want to sit in the same room as them as they travel EVERYWHERE as a pack, so it would be Mil,fil and sil who are there. They back her continually even when they know and admit she is wrong.

Because I don't particularly want these people in my dcs life, I struggle to compromise at all when it come to them.
They put me through 4 years of hell.

She is very evil when she doesn't get what she wants
So you let her near your children?
Your husband doesn't really give a shit does he?
He just wants an easy life and i highly doubt he keeps the kids safe from her nastiness......cos that would mean standing up to HER.
He's too chicken-shit for that.

You don’t need to compromise. Why the hell is he sharing your personal information about surgery with someone who’s proved themselves to be so hateful?

We’re NC with DH parents and they haven’t and will never meet our child. They can’t be civil to us, over my dead body do they get within sight of our innocent baby. Just no.

They’re revolting to you. You’ve finally achieved some peace and harmony by cutting them off. Now is not the time to risk your mental health and bonding with your new baby by letting toxic arseholes into your home, your sanctuary, or anywhere near you or your precious infant.

She sounds like a total wanker.

I'd give her minimal time then tell her to piss off.

Your dp cant be supporting you that much if this is now an issue for you.
After her comment about your MC loss, why are you both entertaining her at all.
She doesn't have any right to see your DC. Unless of course your dp is giving her this right. And the question is why is he doing so?