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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Private investigators

64 replies

Newnameforthis11 · 11/01/2020 21:27

Has anyone ever used a private investigator or know anyone that has if they’ve had very strong suspicions their partner is cheating? Was it worth it? Did it take long? What were the costs?

OP posts:
Ipreferthesound · 11/01/2020 22:00

if this was a conversation of men discussing how a man can track a woman what would that be called?

RoxanneMonke · 11/01/2020 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Newnameforthis11 · 11/01/2020 22:25

ipreferthesound I’m not abusive, I’m not controlling. Quite the fucking opposite actually.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/01/2020 22:27

Is he those things, OP?

Ell03 · 12/01/2020 15:50

Get a friend to call him on his phone, and then ask to speak to you. You then go out of the room whilst still on the call... hey presto you are in his phone and have a bit of time to have a snoop

ivykaty44 · 12/01/2020 15:55

But a cheap second hand iPhone and put it in the car. Make sure that find my iPhone it turned on and give yourself permission to allow follow my iPhone

Then if you ever want to find your iPhone you can, nothing illegal about that. The morality is different

pog100 · 12/01/2020 15:58

He screams at you and you are scared to raise something with you. What more reason do you need? You don't need to raise it with him, you don't need his permission, you just do it.
I recognise it isn't easy. You really need RL support to make it easier. Do you have any?

jackstini · 12/01/2020 16:04

Just wanted to give support OP

I get exactly what you mean. This is not about deciding IF you want to end it as you obviously do; it's about getting irrefutable evidence to help you do it more easily, with clear provable reasons

Is it a location you need to prove (in which case cheap iPhone in car boot is good) or do you need something else?

DivaDuck · 12/01/2020 16:04

have namechanged - I've used them once (for a different reason to do with a lawsuit) - it was expensive though as I needed someone to be tracked and if they are going to do it properly, you need more than one person following them.

I think in the end it cost about £3k for a 5 days of following. I had to repeat it another week but I got a pretty comprehensive report. The other thing you have to realise is that the people doing the job have no context. So for example, he may go somewhere that has significance to you but unless you've told them everything, they won't realise it's significant (if that makes sense) so you have to give them as much information as possible.

I also found talking about it all very hard with the PIs. You immediately feel like a total idiot.

and faceID doesn't work when they are sleeping!

DivaDuck · 12/01/2020 16:06

looking back, it was actually £3k for 2 lots of 5 days

Original poster
Newnameforthis11 · 12/01/2020 16:54

jackstini nail on the head there, that’s exactly it. I know I could just file for divorce, but it really isn’t that straightforward. He will be angry beyond belief and absolutely impossibly and I would have to live with that until the whole thing is finalised. I need proof that he’s cheated and I’m 99% sure he has. I already have some evidence but it’s not enough, he will lie if he’s confronted with it.
To be honest, I think the PI idea was a non starter. The proof will all be on his phone and I can’t get in it.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/01/2020 17:04

Catching him cheating won't stop him being angry, refusing to leave and being impossible though. Blokes like this are perfectly capable of turning it back on you, making out it's your fault and you drove them to it, and they're not leaving their home, their kids etc etc.

TippledPink · 12/01/2020 17:18

Can you get a friend to follow him? If you suspect he is meeting up with someone?

ginandgingers92 · 12/01/2020 17:19

Please don't entertain putting a tracker on anyones car... if things go south and the police are made aware of the existence of a tracker, that's the quickest way to find yourself nicked for stalking.

ginandgingers92 · 12/01/2020 17:21

Ditto with an iPhone in the boot..

2020BetterBeBetter · 12/01/2020 17:30

You could always buy him a GPS key ring as a birthday present for his car, keys or coat, just in case he loses them. We got a few for an elderly relative who both kept losing things and we worried about where she was. Amazon and sites for dementia support sell them. I’m not suggesting doing this without him knowing but maybe he will forget he has it and you could check in to see where he is (or you could choose to do it without him knowing).

Original poster
Newnameforthis11 · 12/01/2020 17:36

category12 I know, I know it will be turned around to be all my fault. He’s done something pretty horrific in the past and that ended up being my fault. But it will still make it easier. Cheating on your wife is a perfectly valid reason for her to leave, he won’t be able to deny that.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 12/01/2020 17:40

He can deny it and he will.

ohwheniknow · 12/01/2020 17:41

Speak to Women's Aid and get their help in safely ending things.

granadagirl · 12/01/2020 17:42

Get the tracker and put it either in his car or stick it under his car. Track it to your phone
Then when you think he’s somewhere he shouldn’t be
Go there and either take pic or confront

Ell03 · 12/01/2020 19:09

Again a couple of things you can do..

  1. get a friend to call him on his phone then ask to speak to you. Once he hands the phone over you have his phone unlocked. Walk off to another phone to chat to the friend. You can have a snoop whilst on the phone, making it apparent you are still talking.
  1. when he is asleep, take the sim card and put it into another phone you know the code of. Most WhatsApp/messages are backed up so you should be able to read what you need from there.
ColaFreezePop · 12/01/2020 19:31

Don't waste money on PI or any form of tracker as screaming and calling someone horrible names you are in a marriage with is unreasonable behaviour.
I hope you made a note of the date and the rough time he did this.

If you can get a few more things were he's horrible to you then you have grounds to divorce him on unreasonable behaviour.

category12 · 12/01/2020 19:40

There are options like occupation orders and non-molestation orders, OP. Women's Aid may be able to advise you. If there's domestic abuse, which includes coercive control and emotional abuse, you may be eligible for legal aid.

RiveterRosie · 12/01/2020 19:46

As someone who came from a home where there was suspicion and angry flare ups between my parents, I would like to say that children are very sensitive to these kind of situations and will know that there is unhappiness. I think almost any child whose parents "stayed together for the sake of the children" can describe how they were affected by it.

IMO it's much better to know that your mum (or dad depending on circumstances) protected you by taking you out of a toxic atmosphere that spirals into the abuse of one of the couple by the other, and taught you by example that you don't need to put up with being treated in such a way. I appreciate how hard it is for you to leave - Women's Aid will help you and I'm sure you will feel better knowing that you have been strong.