Would you let your partner throw things when angry?

[lilcreed]

Tonight I was in bed with my partner watching TV. This is a little embarrassing but I’ve had a really bad tummy at the moment and passed some wind (he does this all the time- as couples do).

He got angry, shouted at me and as he flipped the
covers to get out of the bed he threw the remote in my direction. It hit my brow bone. He said he didn’t mean to and that he was sorry and he walked off.

I feel really upset about it. I also feel upset that he’s walked away without seeing if I’m ok. He’s sulking downstairs watching tv.

What ChewChew wrote

Would suggest you contact Womens Aid here on 0808 2000 247 because this is not going to get any better for you going forward either.

I would be very carefully assessing this relationship as a whole and decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this. Hopefully you will not choose to stay with him. If he can react so disproportionately here to what is a normal bodily function, how is he going to react when times are really difficult for you?. Not well I would say. And you are in no way responsible for his behaviours. And there is emotional abuse here too because he now sulking is an example of that.

What are his parents like; look at them too. He could well be repeating their own dysfunctional relationship with you.

He didnt "throw things", which would be bad enough.

He deliberately threw a solid, heavy, television remote at your face and hit you with it. He hit you. In the face. On purpose.

He was deliberately violent to you.

You could lay police charges.

Do you have children?

Oh my gosh there is so much in this!
First off, he chose to throw the remote. He knew exactly what he was doing. You cannot let him or not let him, that's his choice, what you can do is make a decision on how you want to react to that

Secondly, you farted for fucks sake. Not even a normal run of the mill fart (which given both me and DP are children would have laughed at) but a fart due to a bit of a poorly tummy. To be honest it shouldn't matter what really, you had wind, it needed to be released, perfectly normal human function and he got angry and is now sulking?

Plus he has now turned this on you? This is all on him and the red flags are flying high!

This reaction is so disproportionate, is this the only time he has acted like this? I suspect not. And this certainly won't be the last. Get out of this relationship now.

Why is it ok for him to fart, but not you? Him thinking it's ok to have one rule for him and one rule for you in what should be an equal relationship is worrying.

Serious overreaction for letting one slip out in bed when you’ve got an off tummy. Wow. What would be the reaction for something you meant to do as a joke and he took it wrong?

Next time he farts OP, remind him of this incident, and ask him which missile he’d like you to throw first!

Unacceptable, and extremely likely to escalate.

Do you live together? Rent/own? Have children? How long have you been together?

We have lived together for 6 months and we own the home. Thank you for all of your advice. We haven’t spoken this morning. I was meant to help him in the garden build his shed for his work tools. I feel guilty as I’m still laying in bed but can’t bring myself to go out and help after yesterday.

I told him to sleep on the sofa last night. I called him an animal, which I slightly regret but I was very angry.

I think you should very seriously consider leaving. This is not how relationships are meant to be.

Ah just moved in and own. So he thinks you can't leave easily.

This is the real him. He will hurt you if he wants, he won't be sorry and it will be 'your fault'.

Start the ball rolling to leave before it is more than just a remote.

It’s a complete over-reaction, v odd. He sounds an angry man.

Right, yes, now you can't leave easily he is free to be himself. Start planning your exit.

He’s still maintaining that he aimed to throw it on the bed and didn’t know where my face was. He’s saying he threw it from behind when he got out of the bed and is outraged that I would think any different. He’s making me feel like I’m mental!

Why does what he says matter? You were there. You know what happened.

I will tell you all day that zebras are orange. Are they?

Stop talking to him about it. If it were an accident a normal man would be mortified and apologetic to the nth degree. He's not, so even if were an accident then he's not a keeper. Go quiet and start planning your exit.

Throwing things is physical violence.

If it was an accident he would have been absolutely mortified. Horrified. Utterly repentant. He would have felt and looked ill with it, having accidentally clunked his partner in the face with a hard object - during a fight, in anger.

Instead, he's angry at you. For having the temerity to consider his INTENTIONAL ACTION to be unacceptable. Huh. How about that.

You've just moved in. This isn't him changing. This is the true him. The mask has dropped.

Moving in, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, illness = triggers for abuse, as these are life event where an abuser perceives the victim to be more "stuck". He will accelerate the abuse. You need to leave.

DO NOT BECOME PREGNANT.

Even throwing it on the bed was a very weird over-reaction.

He also walked away when he realised he'd hit you with it.

He then sulked.

He then blamed you for thinking otherwise (I'm a bit confused at that one, I must admit).

Anyway he shouldn't have thrown it at all. Such a trivial thing. Bizarre. And I would say, contemptuous towards you. What would he do when he was really angry? Something doesn't sound right here.

I meant over such a trivial thing, and something (as you say) he does regularly .

End it now. Honestly, this is the tip of the iceberg.

If he's thrown something, you are already in a violent relationship - check out Lundy Bancroft's Book 'Why Does He Do That' if you don't believe me.

It's classic. Domestic violence starts when they think you are 'hooked' to them. It may be early on, or it may be when you have moved in, when you have married, when you get pregnant or when you have a baby. Whatever it is that has them judging you as tied to them.

throwing things is intimidating and threatening violence. I wouldn't be 'letting' him do it. I'd be leaving. But hey, after the abuse I suffered at the hands of a man like this, I leave at the first sign of disrespect and especially of contempt. He's shown both here.

They are always sorry. They always do it again. It only ever gets worse.

"It was only a slap"; "you're overreacting because you're crazy"; "you made me so angry I couldn't control myself"...

He's minimising (talking about the force and aim of the object he deliberately threw at you); questioning your sanity and making you doubt yourself; turning the blame round into you.

He's no different from any other abuser. He will get worse. Now you're living together he feels more comfortable you won't leave as he escalates.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Do you know how you would leave?

He has never shown signs of abuse before. When he is angry (in his job etc, he will throw his tools and things).

He (we ) have been through a lot. His father has been sent to prison and it turns out he wasn’t the man we all thought and knew. I have had counselling over this and I feel that my partner also needs it but won’t accept help. But of course that is no excuse for throwing things.

We are 23, have our own place which we’ve renovated together and always dreamt of. I do of course love him and would feel embarrassed to leave (my parents really like him). My head is a mess. I haven’t spoken to him since. Just shutting myself in our room. Need some time alone to think.

Do not get pregnant OP.

He is showing you who he is.

And it's not nice.

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

He's only denying what he did because you have made a fuss.

You be very careful OP. It sounds to me as if you could be about to make the second biggest mistake of your life.

Staying with him.

He is not nice.
He has anger issues.

There is no embarrassment.

Think of your future.
Your parents would be appalled if the knew he had tried to hurt you.

Because he tried to hurt you.

Move on.

Are you the poster who's FIL has been sent down for taking photos of a neighbour and it turns out everyone had minimised the fact he is a sex offender?