"Choosing children over partner"

[Floralblankets]

Was interested in starting a thread after a discussion with a friend regarding the concept of "Choosing your children over your partner" or visa versa.
As a mother and a partner I cannot fathom a situation where I'd have to choose one or the other..
My relationship with DP is naturally very different with my relationship with DC
Obviously I love them unconditional and would do anything for them but I'm their parent first and friend second, therefore the dynamics of the two are pretty incomparable and I don't see how they could ever come head to head.

Wondering if anyone has ever been in a situation where either they've felt they've had to put their kids before their partner. Or anyone who's ever had a partner who's been in a circumstance where the kids have been put before them? Just curious

Don't have kids, but my parents divorced when I was young and I grew up believing they'd put their new partners before me. It made for a very anxious and lonely childhood. I'll never be rid of the negative effects it had on me. All I can do is learn to manage them.

Children are dependent on adults. Partners are not.

Imagine your partner is not the father of your children. Imagine your partner has children of his own who are roughly the same ages. Your children don’t like your partner and don’t get on well with his children when they meet. Your partner is desperate to live together, and you’re very keen. Do you move him and his children in, knowing that your children hate the idea and that their lives will be negatively effected, or do you refuse to live together until the children have left home?

That’s the kind of scenario usually meant.

I think there are many, many circumstances where it's perfectly normal to choose your DC over your partner.

You sound a little short of an imagination.

I put the DC first when DP had terrible depression (death of parent) and I had PND, I couldn't hold it all together for everyone, I put the DC first and we left.

My dc has had a terrible couple of years with my ex. I have made a conscious decision not to date/look for a new relationship at this stage and concentrate on her.
It's not forever, but I know bringing a new man into the relationship (& potentially more children with him) would be a disaster for us.
My dc is the most important thing right now. Simple.

@theendoftheendoftheend sounds to me more like the breakdown of a relationship than black or white; kids or partner

Its often the non-resident parent (usually the dad) who chooses their partner over their kids, but it’s usually the resident parent (ie mum) who gets accused of it by their kids the second they get into a tiff with the new partner.

@Floralblankets well you wouldn't know would you what with not being one of the parties involved.

I can see why you can't possible understand how choosing DC over DP could ever possibly happen. As you clearly know everything you are obviously right. Well done you!

@theendoftheendoftheend
Always one uptight b* to add some colour to a thread

I'm glad you made yourself available to fullfil the role.
You know you can say bitch on MN right? No one will be offended.

@theendoftheendoftheend
Or bastard perhaps? Lol

Yes swearing in general

Like others I think it's odd you can't imagine a scenario where this could arise.

Say you have a military spouse who wants you to move a lot to follow their postings, but you think it's in the kids best interests to stay put.

Or you have a new partner and want to move in with them but that would mean moving your child's school and there at an important stage of their education.

Your partner is suffering from addiction or mental health problems, you want to support them but you know it's not a good environment for your children.

Or your house is on fire and you can only pick one to save...

@theendoftheendoftheend why do you cause trouble on threads? The last 3 threads your starting arguments? Are you ok ? I know a while back I suffered with depression and I would start fights and arguments for the sake of it. Here if you need to speak hunny. We can be a good support for one another if something is the matter xx

@Alininja91 thanks Hunny!!! I will PM you now

Just to clarify I'm not refuting that a situation could arise, I just couldn't comprehend one. Not a relationship breakdown, not two adults making a compromise, but a literal situation that means choosing one or the other.
Only situations I've known IRL of a parent being accused of putting new partner first is the words of bitter ex's and not really the reality (not at all claiming this is always the case, just the few situations I've known personally)

Yeah I joined because I'm a new mum and it's mums net ?? My baby girl was born in June and I thought I'd see what the fuss is about. I don't know what it is you're getting at here? I'm a little confused. What has my time being registered got to do with my worth on commenting??

That you might hit it off? I.e, have something in common and have a mutually supportive friendship etc.

I'm not entirely sure I'm following what you're asking, if you're not including relationship breakdowns then it falls to situations.
For example if an accident were to happen in my house, say a fire, I would without question see to getting the kids out first and foremost.
Or if my partner were to suddenly decide he wanted us to uproot and move to the other side of this country or even a new one, would it be in the children's best interest to stay or go?
In a new relationship, would it be in the children's best interest to move in together? Have a new child? Etc.
There are numerous situations where children first would come in to play

@theendoftheendoftheend my bad thought you was insinuating something 😂😂 sorry

No problem hun

My child is my priority until he is independent. He is the product of mine and dhs love for eachother, but he owes me nothing, and when he is an adult, he will be going out into the world to do his own thing, so all that will be left is dh and I. Therefore, yes my son is number one now and I would choose him over dh presently, but as he grows my priorities will shift again.

I saw this taken up several levels on Facebook where the question moved on from meeting emotional needs to which one you'd save if there was a fire. You may be surprised to hear someone said they'd save their partner as they could "always make another baby".

Personally, I hope my partner wouldn't put me in a position where I have to choose (if we're talking about emotional needs - if we're talking fires, I'm grabbing the baby), as they should also put our child first. But sometimes that's out of your control I guess.