"Choosing children over partner"

[Floralblankets]

Was interested in starting a thread after a discussion with a friend regarding the concept of "Choosing your children over your partner" or visa versa.
As a mother and a partner I cannot fathom a situation where I'd have to choose one or the other..
My relationship with DP is naturally very different with my relationship with DC
Obviously I love them unconditional and would do anything for them but I'm their parent first and friend second, therefore the dynamics of the two are pretty incomparable and I don't see how they could ever come head to head.

Wondering if anyone has ever been in a situation where either they've felt they've had to put their kids before their partner. Or anyone who's ever had a partner who's been in a circumstance where the kids have been put before them? Just curious

catlady3 Sat 11-Jan-20 01:47:13
I saw this taken up several levels on Facebook where the question moved on from meeting emotional needs to which one you'd save if there was a fire. You may be surprised to hear someone said they'd save their partner as they could "always make another baby".
.......
Gosh, can hardly believe someone would say that! I hope they were not being serious, just saying it to create an effect - which I'm sure it did.

I've not been in a position of having to choose between my partner and my child but I know I would have chosen my child. Just reading some of the threads on here there are so many problems with blended families and families where one person has a child or children with an ex and the other doesn't (yes I know it works for some).

My view is do not live with partner, have a relationship where you see each other a lot, go out, even have the odd weekend away but not live together. Then you have the best of both worlds and your children are relatively undisturbed by it. When everyone lives together the dynamic changes drastically.

When my dd was 16/17 she got in with a bad crowd. DH ( not her bio )had been working away for a year, came home most weekends. I had a newborn 6th DC and had clearly taken my eye off the ball.

Culminated in DD ending up in court. She moved in with a relative.

First time I visited her 3 weeks later realised that she was not being looked after, was being used to look after young DC, was being neglected and living in conditions that I wouldn't let an animal live in.

I called DH and told him I was bringing her home with me. He said no, it's her or me. She came home. He stayed. We relocated as a family far away.

Also my ex h once told me if the DC and me were drowning, he would save me. Wanker

I have put my children before my dp .
Got divorced after 25 years and we had 2 years on our own before I met my current dp .
My son was 12/13 when we met and my daughter 6 .
I left it almost a year before they met .
Now 3 years later we see each other every weekend and not a weekend goes by when I don't ask my son if it's okay for dp to stay over .
If he's not here I call him up .
They get on fabulously and he knows as does my dp that if he didn't feel comfortable, then until he's 18 he's my priority . I wouldn't stop seeing dp but I would never bring another man into our home if my son didn't feel comfortable or indeed happy .
It's a no brainer .
We're moving in together this year and my children are really excited and I hope have felt involved in the decision all the way . It's been led by them as well as us .
When we live together they know the dynamics will change and that although he's not their father he will be an equal in my life and his wishes will need to also be respected . For me putting my children first I have seen a deep respect come from my partner and a trust / respect from my children . They're only children for such a short time .

My DP has 4 children prior to the 3 we share together
His 2 oldest love with me. They was 13/15 at this time I speak of.
When I was pregnant with our first the oldest was constantly going missing (like for days on end ), robbing us blind, being awful at school, he even broke into the house whilst we was out, had a party and his friends"" even robbed us an went through all my underwear draws. His dads. They just ransacked us and he pushed us beyond our limits and I couldn't take much more. It got to the point I had to lock every bedroom door

In the end I said to my DP it was either us or him as I couldn't cope, DP wasn't around much so it was always me left with the grief of him, me who was at school every morning an even sitting in his lessons etc so yea awful as it sounds I made him pick me an the kids or his DS as I couldn't be around it much longer

DS went to stay with his mum (she's an utter waste of space and we clearly gave it him easy-designer clothes, nice house, everything) she hasn't brought him up and he always wanted her attention and thought she was amazing- so he went...
3 weeks later he did beg to come home and we said fine last chance as I was at breaking point an he came back a different boy and admitted we did our best an he was sorry.... he's now a different person

It's hard to say what's right and wrong as every situation is different. I felt the worlds worst making my DP choose but I couldn't do it anymore .... and it worked for the best I suppose but yea x

Partners/spouses are disposable in our society. Kids are forever.