Anyone else find this ? Friends rarely text first

[Trixie120]

Has anyone else realised that some friends never get in contact first, and if you stop texting them and initiating things then you just won't speak at all ? It's sad really. I know people have very busy lives now and that their families and jobs come first. But when weeks have past and you've heard nothing, it's a little disappointing.

Yep, I've let many friendships go in the last few years because I was the only one making any effort.

It does show you how important you are to them so at least you know where you stand. I made the decision to start worrying about me for a bit and take a step back from friendships that were too much maintenance. I have a smaller, better quality circle as a result.

Op - yes it is sad I made my New Years resolution this year to stop bothering with them at all friendships should be 50/50 not one person putting in 100 x

Yes, and it's incredibly sad and frustrating . I find it even harder with FB and all the other social medias now because I can see if they've seen my message and haven't responded.

@mrssunshinexxx it's my NYR too! We need to focus on us and true friends will find us then xox

It sounds like a few of us have experienced the same thing :( I think social media has a lot to answer for. My social circle has significantly reduced, I lost several people last year and I had to accept they were never real friends.
The one that's surprised me most is someone I thought was one of my best friends of nearly 20 years. I started a new job and she knew, she didn't get in touch to ask how it went or anything.
She's always going on about how hectic life is, she works around 40 hours like many of us, but has no children and she has a cleaner.

Yes, I used to get it all the time. A therapist told me to not text people until they texted me, that way I'd know who actually cared about me. I was nervous but did it and haven't felt bad to just be down to a few relatively 'real' friends.'

She said that every time you message someone and they don't message you back (and by implication, every time you message first) is a knock to your self esteem. Friendships should be reciprocal/meet in the middle.

Ditch the 'friends' who don't really care about you and you'll feel better about yourself and have more time to spend on other things.

I’ve got friends like this but I don’t think it necessarily means they aren’t interested in me. Saying that years ago I decided to stop initiating contact with a friend to see how long it took for her to make contact with me and I’ve literally never seen her again!
My benchmark is if they respond immediately to my message and seem to enjoy my company the I don’t mind if I’m the one initiating it

@Trixie120 your post could easily have been mine. It sux and sadly it indicates the relationship isn’t equal. I saw something on Facebook that said “if they care, they’ll call, if they want to see you, they will.” Really struck a chord with me. You sound lovely. Don’t worry about them xx

I could have wrote this!
I am going through similar so I feel for you all!

Came to the realisation last year that at least 2 of my friendships are one sided like this. I convinced myself that these friends were just busy with life etc. and remained hopeful but I had a baby and went through an entire pregnancy without a so called close friend even texting me once. We are in a large WhatsApp group together and I posted new of my DD's arrival there and she said congrats but no direct contact. I have decided to not initiate contact anymore. I don't expect that I'll hear anything..

I found the below article good when I was feeling particularly down about the whole thing

www.marcandangel.com/2015/04/01/20-things-to-remember-when-rejection-hurts/

Yep decided to stop chasing and believe it's 2 to tango. Have found out my true friends this way.

Yes, lots for me too. I assume people don't much like me. It's hard when you thought you were friends but in the end I guess there's no point in spending time with someone who is not a true friend. That said, some people are scatty and chaotic and if every other sign really suggests they do want to spend time together I do continue being the one who starts stuff more.

Hmm, I'm not sure that texting first is such a big indicator of how invested people are.

For example, in my situation, I often dont text because I am separated and know that my friends are busy with family etc.

I feel like if I text, they will feel obliged to invite me to do something or that I need something from them.

Maybe I should revise that and text some now!!!

I have lost touch with several people for this reason, i decided if they couldnt be bothered then i wouldnt either. It has been over a year and still nothing and although its sad to lose contact its better than me feeling like im making all the effort and they dont

I've been pondering what to do about a couple of 'friendships' like this. One person I text, sometimes they reply straight away but sometimes not, we arrange to meet, have a great eve, same cycle. She never gets in touch first. Second friend has sooo much on her plate. When I text she says she was thinking about me but didn't make contact. We meet for a coffee. Have a lovely time. Cycle repeats. I would miss them but I know if I ceased contact I would never see them again!

I think I’m guilty of being the person who never texts etc first.

Truth be told I don’t really want to have close friends anymore. I just don’t have the time or the energy for it, as I’ve got a older (40s) I actually just enjoy my own space and company and don’t want to be talking to people / meeting up with people anymore. I’m too polite to say that to anyone however, and will always reply nicely when people message me but actually I just hope they’ll eventually stop bothering

I quite enjoy browsing on social media and seeing pics of what people are up to because there’s no obligation for me to “do” anything but I really don’t want to chat to people except on here really where I can turn off my phone whenever I want and come back to it when I feel like!

OP, in all honesty this to me indicates that you're not as close as you think.... I text my closest friends most days, but other friends who have drifted a bit I will leave it for weeks because they don't take priority and I'm busy.

I think you have to judge this on an individual basis rather than generalise that if someone rarely texts you they can’t be a good friend. I have several friends who don’t often initiate contact. Variety of reasons - disorganisation, pressures of life, personality. Often when I get in touch they’re pleased, we meet up and the friendship lives on. It would, however, ring alarm bells if someone never replied to me or constantly cancelled plans.

My new years resolution of 2018 was not to get in touch with people who don't contact me. I was sick of organising things.

I'm still waiting for one (who I thought was a really good friend) to get in touch. She did ask me why I hadn't been in touch at a party 3 months after so she'd noticed, but not bothered to do anything about it. 2 years later, nothing, no contact whatsoever.

Seems like this is quite common. Just interested to know, how many close friends would people say they had ?
I have one friend who lives abroad, she texts me daily and has done for the last 5 years, but i've come to realise that I don't have many others who would text me regularly, maybe 1 or 2.
I'm always invited to group stuff, but they wouldn't go out of their way to see me individually.
My friend is now married with a mortage, i'm single and rent a small studio. She's always on about how she's soo busy and rushed off her feet, I guess it gives her a sense of importance because that sounds like most people who are in full-time employment.

I think I have a similar set up to you;

One very close friend since childhood who also lives away. Definitely 50/50. No bullshit. We both make the effort.

2 other long term good friends who live in another city and I see once or twice a year. Again, equal amounts of effort made. We meet as a trio

Then a group of 'friends' I've had since school. We are all Mums now. 6 of us. We have a WhatsApp and that and I get invited to kids parties with my own DC however the rest of the group do meet without me and one of the others regularly. It's within this group that I have noticed that contact is initiated purely by me. I always make the effort to go to the kids parties, bring a card and a gift and try my best but it's never reciprocated. When my DD was born late last year no one sent a card or came to visit us.
I was particularly close to 2 of the girls but in the past 2 years or so they seem to have taken a step back and don't contact me unless I contact them first.

Re your friend; I just don't think anyone is THAT busy that they can't drop a text every week or so and manage some form of a meet up even every couple of months? I've wondered this myself with my own 'friends' and even if I were absolutely crazy busy I'd suggest meeting on a lunch break, early some morning on a weekend for even half an hour etc. I'd find the time somehow....

I'm not initiating contact anymore and looking at ways to try meet more friends. It'll be interesting to see if/when anyone notices.

Have you tried to meet new people at all? X

Im glad you have at least a couple of decent ones and fully agree with you.
It literally takes 10 seconds to send a quick text over. It actually winds me up how she goes on about how manic her life is. You don't even have any children and you have a cleaner honey. Your evenings and weekends are just you and your husband. But again it gives people that sense of feeling important.
She was always on about how she just wanted a quiet NYE and how she doesn't like going out, I asked her if she wanted to go out but she said no. I didn't have any plans and just stayed in as nobody was really doing anything.
Then at about 10pm I see photos of her out with her cousin. I asked her in a casual way if she had ended up going out and she said that it was a last-minute thing.
She spends most of the time with the cousin, who's very confident and chatty. Seems nice enough but I don't know her well.
I only live 2 miles down the road too but she's always going out running and such with the cousin instead. It's hurtful but i'll forget her. We are just different in some respects now, she has a well-off husband and they have an entirely different lifestyle, whereas I earn quite a modest salary.

I have just started a new job so hopefully will meet people in that !

That's great about the new job. New year, new job and new friends hopefully 🤞🏻

Does sound like your friend feels important by going on about how busy she is when she's not really that busy at all. Silly!

Yeah I'm lucky to have a few solid friends. Just wish they lived closer as would love to have people to meet up with for a drink or lunch.

Do you think your friend will notice if you take a step back?

@jamaisjedors I don’t think a real friend would feel like that, text your pals! I’m sure they’ll be pleased to hear from you.

I will say that I only have a few friends and I usually text first/more, but I know they value and love me. Perhaps they just expect me to text so wait for it, I dunno. I don’t think it necessarily mean they don’t care the, I know at least one is trying to look at her phone rarely.

Yep few close friends but mainly me that initiate calls or meeting I've decided to back off and do things on my own...

Sounds sad but I quite enjoy going in cafes or shopping on my own!!!

Both of my 'best friends' forgot my milestone birthday this year, despite us all being born days apart and knowing each other for 10+ years. They post long Instagram stories for other friends birthdays, I didn't even get a text. I still messaged them on theirs though. I was always the one to text first once I'd had DD, and now I rarely talk to either of them. Neither live close by, so visits have been sporadic, it's at least a two hour train journey which I can't afford often tbh. I know people move on and they do both have very busy lives and jobs but it does hurt, I've been pretty isolated for the last few years and had worked hard to try and maintain the friendships with them.

I'm making efforts to reach out to others this year, and try to make proper friendships out of acquaintances, it's been so so long since I've had someone I can meet for a drink and a chat. Or just text to be honest. Think about doing the same OP, you don't have to cut off old friendships that have cooled, just give it less of your attention and focus on moving forward.

Yup, me too.

I'm 57, and this year have decided not to chase up 2 similarly aged friends. We used to work together, and would go out of an evening maybe 6 times a year, and away for a weekend every year, and of course, natter when at work.

We're now in different departments so don't run into each other at all. I invited them plus partners and another couple around mid Dec and we had a nice evening, (tho one turned up late and left early) but apart from one sending me a Xmas card, no contact since.

I messaged 'anyone want to see Little Women?', one said yes, I said when,..... no reply.

Interestingly both became grandmothers in '19, DDs all nearby, so I guess they can't be bothered with me any more.

I have decided not to bother with them.