Anyone else find this ? Friends rarely text first

[Trixie120]

Has anyone else realised that some friends never get in contact first, and if you stop texting them and initiating things then you just won't speak at all ? It's sad really. I know people have very busy lives now and that their families and jobs come first. But when weeks have past and you've heard nothing, it's a little disappointing.

I don't have this problem so much with friends as I have a small circle who always respond. I have this problem with a close family member though and was just thinking about it when I saw this thread. I don't know what to make of it but it makes me sad.

This seems very common :( i think many people are just very wrapped up in themselves. I used to think I was fairly popular but since I stopped taking crap and standing up for myself I have lost several friends.
I messaged on the whatsapp group to 7 others asking them kindly if they fancied coming to a show with me, when it was etc. And not a single reply.
I wrote "I guess that's a no then." with a laughing emoji.
One girl got in touch and said thanks but the show wasnt her thing, which I thanked her for, the others just ignored it.

Yet when it's their hen do or wedding or whatever, they expect everyone to reply and I got a question mark after my name because I hadn't replied after 2 hours.

This is probably the 3rd time now ive written or suggested something and they ignored it. Am I being too sensitive ?

They will probably be laughing between themselves now that I am arsey or stroppy or whatever (even though I didn't react in a bad manner, just commented on it.)

I don't think you're being too sensitive. It takes 2 seconds to send a reply.

I had this issue in the past and would be so embarrassed especially as I could see on WhatsApp that the message had been seen & read. So I just stopped and don't bother trying anymore.

So no advice for you I'm afraid. But I can empathise as it's just horrible

@Trixie120 sounds like you should definitely bin that group of 7 off!

I agree it takes 2 seconds. After writing the thing I wrote, 2 of the 7 replied saying sorry they hadn't, the rest no. But I think I won't bother again !

I think the thing with friendships is that it comes and go. I've had friendships that have been rekindled after 5+ years of radio silence because we ran into each other by sheer chance at a random coffeeshop. I've had friendships that were very brief but very intense in the sense that they know some of my worst thoughts (and vice versa) that even my long term friends of 10+ years aren't privy to.

What's important IMO is that you had a good time/had a solid connection with someone for however long they were in your life. People grow, people grow apart. No point getting in touch out of obligation just because you were close at one point of time.

That's the way I see it at least.

@redbullgivesyouflings I hear you and ot makes complete sense but I think we also have to know when to not be abit of a pushover and just let people take take take x

Glad it’s not just me! I stopped making the effort of being the only person to initiate contact some time last year. Pretty much radio silence since then. I’m quite upset by one particular person who I always felt was a kind and caring friend. Saw her at the cinema (from a distance) last week and she smiled and waved like nothing had changed between us, but I found it awkward, knowing that she can’t be bothered to make the effort to at least text me (she works part time, like me). I now doubt how genuine she ever was and this was someone I’ve known for over a decade. But perhaps it’s not a snub as such, just that the I’ve never been important to her. I did have a comment from another friend a while back, along the lines that she was really pleased I had organised a get-together, as she enjoys a good catch-up. I’ve thought for a while now that people are more self-centred. I’m actually really independent and also like to ‘hole up’ with my husband and children. I don’t crave to live in someone else’s pocket but it would be lovely to catch up with people once in a while! I’ve thought this year I should try organising a group - a coffee morning or something - inviting like-minded people to get together.

I am the 'social secretary' for two groups; one from our DC's primary school- the DC are now 16-20; the other middle aged ladies who have largely left my NHS workplace over the years. Both groups are around 5-6 strong.

I do find all are really grateful for me doing it as they know it won't happen unless someone does it!

Earlier today I said I was deciding to wash my hands of 2 'friends' where I feel I'm making all the effort, but, funnily enough, one messaged to offer me an outgrown coat, and the other to organise a get together for the three of us!....

Maybe I'm too needy??! Admittedly both of them have largish, involved family; I don't.

Hmm ...I think I am a bit of an offender sometimes. Reasons can be complex. I have a lovely friend couple I care a whole lot about. Thing is they have a much better and busier social life than me. I am quite content with mine ...i like a lot of down time. They are the couple who usually organise things. I am always up for what they organise but I would feel that I was pressurizing them if I got in touch too often because they are really busy.
The other reason I can be a bit like this is down to family dynamics which mean that although I am quite outgoing, there is an underlying lack of confidence. My brothers were always most important in the family which meant that whenever I tried to arrange anything social with my parents I used to get the answer 'we'll see'. Basically kept hanging in case a better offer came along from my brothers. I found this quite hurtful and gradually became less confident in initiating things in case I was fobbed off and would feel rejected. Silly because I know my good friends really do value me.

The third reason is dh. A bit quirky ...perfectly nice but not a great socializer so I'm more inclined to arrange things with other women rather than the couple things.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there can be lots of reasons why people are not initiators of social contact which may not be because they don't care. Having said that this thread has been a bit of a wake up call for me and I'm going to make more effort.

What about if no one messages you?? I don’t think I would have any friends if I didn’t message them. I’m a decent person, but just don’t have that ‘thing’ that attracts people. I’m a person who people come to for advice and I listen really well, but I rarely get anything back. I have isolated myself because I just can’t deal with the rejection; I’m 55 and it’s pretty much been like this my whole life.

You know I've even had pen friends that I've never met that I email and message to and follow on social media and I class them as better friends as when I need to chat they are there for me!!!

Velenciaoranges I could use a friend like u!!!

I think I'm also one of those that doesn't have that 'thing' that attracts people to them

I'm 58, and over the last few years have 'tested' to see if I don't contact, whether others will. Some do and some don't, the ones that don't, well, say no more.

I'm pretty decent also, 'normal' whatever that is. I'm single, so friends really do count, but making friends at this age is bloody hard

OP I could also have written your post. My closest friends are scattered around the world and contact can be sporadic, but I’m not ever worried about not hearing from them. I have some really crap UK based friends. I’ve stopped chasing to get meet up dates now.....I send the dates I can do and if they don’t get back to me we don’t meet. I do have a couple of friends who have very difficult personal lives- they get excused, and I feel a bit obligated to check in on them, but other than that I’m trying to distance myself.

@potato 1980 😊

I'm the same. I've just realised I have no friends only acquaintances now and the friends I did have have lost interest as I have nothing to bring to the table anymore

When I was younger and my kids were little I did have that social group, I met people as we were all mum's and struggling and we all went to playgroup, lots of us including me had similar stories, depression, bad relationships, the kids had special needs and so on. I also worked part time so I could invest time into friendships and life was hard but I had support.
Now I'm 42 and those friends are long gone. I've changed. My kids are older, I am a nana. I binned a bad relationship and met someone else, I go hill walking and work full time. Most were younger than me and still have little kids and are still finding thier way so I'm a boring fucker to them and we've outgrown each other. My youngest is 9 and due to my hours she goes to after school and breakfast club and I feel so.out of place when I go on my half day to.pick her up at 3.

I'm a bit gutted to be honest. My bf is brilliant, he doesn't have friends either but he talks to people at work. I don't.i work in a factory full of men and the only woman in my work area is a miserable cow who slags everyone off.

I'm also not the type of person who other women tend to be attracted to anyway, I'm rather boring, I love walking, castles and history, reading, Netflix, crochet but I'll talk about anything. Good job my bf is similar

I find this too.

It’s sad.

I don’t just blame the friends I think it’s the culture now to spend ages in Facebook liking posts from people you hardly know but not to interact irl with real friends.

I think life is busy and people live far apart so we have to make more effort than when we all lived in close communities that lived and worked close by.

No wonder there’s a mental health crisis!

I also sometimes worry that friends are cutting off due to be ing in abusive relationships as one of the things controlling men do is sever friendships.