Bought a house with DP and regretting it

[Caoime]

Hi all, please nobody tell me I've been stupid or idiotic, I can't take it today and I already know how stupid I've been.

Me and 'DP' bought a few months ago (we actually signed the deeds months ago but it took a while for us to move in). In the months between putting an offer in and actually moving, our relationship has really been on the rocks for a number of reasons, during this time I also had a termination. It was so awful, especially his reaction to it, that I am pretty sure if we didn't already live together/had just signed the deeds, we'd have parted there and then. We decided to both try and wipe the slate clean and begin again. But it's just not working, and it's really hit home today.

I came home from work, walked past several bars with it being Friday night, lots of couples/people out enjoying their evening. Got home, DP is asleep on the sofa - he finishes early on Fridays and had been home since 2pm. The kitchen was a state (washing up not done, crumbs everywhere), bed also unmade, just generally nothing had been done. I said hello and he sort of nodded awake, said hi, and went back to sleep. We are 28.

I'm not saying I'm desperate to go out most nights, mostly I prefer nights in, but it would be nice to get home and him to say (for example), 'shall we cook dinner tonight?' or suggest watching a film or something. Not sitting in separate rooms. I feel like I've mugged myself off for moving in with somebody who has said they will do their fair share but then just expects me do to the washing up night after night after night with no thanks.

Has anyone else bought a house and then realised they've made a massive mistake in doing so? I feel like I've committed myself to something I can't get out of and have been in tears all evening. Currently having a glass of wine to try and steady my sobbing.

Just looking for sympathy really, and any anecdotes - has anybody else been in this situation? I know technically it can be gotten out of, I'm looking more for an emotional handhold.

Sounds pretty awful to be honest. I haven't been in the situation but I can't see that you will be happy til you get out of it? Are there any redeeming features to him? I'm guessing you've had the conversations ad infinitum about shaping up..?

You aren’t trapped. You can sell the property and split.

He’s deserves a kick up the arse

Have you suggested going out together this evening?

I was in a similar situation at a similar age.

I stayed. I married. Became pregnant. Was abused. And so on and so on.

You are so, achingly, young. I would implore you to leave and have the life you were supposed to have. A happy one. No happiness lies here.

I did it love.
Ended the relationship a year later £20 grand better off.
He married and has 3 kids now, I see them both.
No real harm done.

Dry your eyes and maybe go out for a quick glass of wine or at least a walk??

And dont pander to him. If it does end, that'll just be wasted time and respect.

And keep your personal finances afloat xxx

Hey, you've recognised it's not working and you want out - that's good. You can do this. Far better to make the break now and not waste more years on it.

I lived with a boyfriend in his parents house for a couple of years. His mum did everything for him. When we moved into a house together he was lazzyyyyy! And I used to leave for work earlier and get home from work later than him and I can't tell you how angry I was every day coming home, nothing done, the sofa moved to be directly Infront of the TV playing his stupid computer games.

Ditched him. Met someone amazing who does housework, loves cooking etc. Married, new baby and lovely house. Never looked back. I think you should ditch him! Onwards and upwards

Not stupid at all. Please don't stay for the sake of a house. I am also 28 and I was in a relationship just like this not so long ago, stayed mostly because of our pets and the house we just bought. I eventually got the courage to end it and although I still have the house situation to deal with it already seems a lot less overwhelming. It really is just bricks. If you're unhappy you're unhappy, don't worry about the house, things can all be dealt with

You haven’t been stupid or idiotic - this is just life.

Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t.

It’s only a house. You can always sell it. You would be in a much worse situation if you had children. A house is much more straightforward to walk away from.

However, relationships also go through difficult patches. Only you will know if the relationship is worth walking away from or whether couples counselling may be an option.

Yep...bought a flat with my ex fiance. We had been living together but in a property that my mum and I owned so was never his. He and I bought a flat together and even then I somewhere knew it wasn't right and we shouldn't get married. Within weeks of buying it I knew I'd made a mistake (he stopped pulling any sort of weight and he was now financially responsible for this property too?!)

So anyway, broke up with him 3 weeks before our wedding and he moved out but the only way I could afford was for my mum to loan me cash to pay down mortgage so that I could remortgage into my name.

It was embarrassing and difficult to deal with but I now live somewhere else with my DH and it almost seems like a bad dream.

Go with your gut is telling you.

Yup been in that situation, I was with my ex for about 4 years, moved in together about two years ago. It really wasn’t a great move as I never really trusted him (he slept with his ex girlfriend while we were together, don’t know why I stayed!!).

Anyway, I’m still in ‘our’ house, awaiting moving into my new house that will be all mine! I guess what I’m trying to say op, is that if you’re not happy and you can’t see any way back, it’s really not the end of the world to sell. It could be a fresh start that’s all yours x

It might be difficult short term but it sounds like ending it will be much better all round for you and it won’t be long, even if it feels like it will be, before you look back and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

I've been here. Start properly looking at your finances and a get out plan. I stayed far longer than I should have as I didn't want to lose money. We had bought just before the first financial crash (2008?) And I was fucking miserable. I ended up moving out after 3 years to go back to do a post grad in another city and he covered mortgage, it was far cheaper than renting. I then took it over and sold it, still lost cash but was in a better position. Do not let money trap you, it's not worth it. We are both married to other people now and I'm far far happier.

Thank you all so much - so comforting to know that others have been where I am (even though sorry you've all experienced it!)

This NYE I spent the countdown alone, crying in bed - how sad is that - and same situation last year. That is what my gut is telling me.

It means so much to me to hear your supportive and kind words, as in my head all I'm hearing is how stupid I am and scared that others will judge me.

Just be glad you’re not married, and you have so much time ahead of you and things to look forward to. Chin up, enjoy the wine and think about selling ASAP

No one will judge you for leaving. Honestly just bits the bullet and do it, you will feel so so free.

You're so young and please don't stay in a miserable relationship for something like a house.

You can split, sell and move on and get your own beautiful place. It's just a house, and you deserve to be happy.

Easy to say over the internet but please don't cry! You will get out of this relationship and you'll move on and you'll feel amazing for it.

It's just a house!!

Caoime I married mine and 12 years and 2 kids later (now separated) I wonder why on earth I didn't listen to my gut.

Everyone has their own shit, and it doesn’t matter if someone will judge or talk abt you. What matters most is your happiness. Make a plan, sort out finances and you could be celebrating the end of the year with a big smile on your face. Don’t let your fears to hold you back. Cheer up 🌹🍸🍰

Frankly I'd walk over to the sofa and wake him up and say "fuck you I'm outta here" (would be tempted to wake him up with an ice water bath on his head and ask him who does he think is going to go behind him and pick up his shift? to be totally honest but I'm a very petty bitch)

If I was you I would sit down and work our finances, can you afford it by yourself, do you want to take it on by yourself? Can either of you buy the other one out?
Don't leave yourself stuck in this situation.
You are going enough that you can get out and start again.
Don't settle for second best you deserve more

There’s always a way out OP!

I can deffo relate! When I was with my ex he literally did nothing! (He was also emotionally abusive but thats a different story) He was boring, we never went out and did anything, I used to look at him and just feel this rage. He would always just fall asleep on the sofa! I’m such an out going person and I felt like he was holding me back. We were luckily only renting.

Been in a similar situation in that we brought our second house at the height of the housing boom. About 6 months after the market crashed and I found out my ‘D’H was having an affair.
The house was in negative equity and I couldn’t afford to buy him out.
He brought me out and moved his OW in.
Was a pretty shit time. I was in the box room of a shared house in my 30s.

It’s only now I look back, married and with 2 children that I realise he did me a favour and walking away with nothing was better then wasting anymore of my life with him.

Op, you need to talk to one another about this, it's highly likely he feels the same. So don't avoid the subject, sit down and talk to one another. If it's over, then put thr house on the market, or one buy the other out and just move on.

Google sunken costs fallacy - it might help explain some of the pull to try and make it work.