Bought a house with DP and regretting it

[Caoime]

Hi all, please nobody tell me I've been stupid or idiotic, I can't take it today and I already know how stupid I've been.

Me and 'DP' bought a few months ago (we actually signed the deeds months ago but it took a while for us to move in). In the months between putting an offer in and actually moving, our relationship has really been on the rocks for a number of reasons, during this time I also had a termination. It was so awful, especially his reaction to it, that I am pretty sure if we didn't already live together/had just signed the deeds, we'd have parted there and then. We decided to both try and wipe the slate clean and begin again. But it's just not working, and it's really hit home today.

I came home from work, walked past several bars with it being Friday night, lots of couples/people out enjoying their evening. Got home, DP is asleep on the sofa - he finishes early on Fridays and had been home since 2pm. The kitchen was a state (washing up not done, crumbs everywhere), bed also unmade, just generally nothing had been done. I said hello and he sort of nodded awake, said hi, and went back to sleep. We are 28.

I'm not saying I'm desperate to go out most nights, mostly I prefer nights in, but it would be nice to get home and him to say (for example), 'shall we cook dinner tonight?' or suggest watching a film or something. Not sitting in separate rooms. I feel like I've mugged myself off for moving in with somebody who has said they will do their fair share but then just expects me do to the washing up night after night after night with no thanks.

Has anyone else bought a house and then realised they've made a massive mistake in doing so? I feel like I've committed myself to something I can't get out of and have been in tears all evening. Currently having a glass of wine to try and steady my sobbing.

Just looking for sympathy really, and any anecdotes - has anybody else been in this situation? I know technically it can be gotten out of, I'm looking more for an emotional handhold.

You have options. You don't have to stay with him. Talk it through with someone sensible who you can trust to support you emotionally & with good advice.

Selling so soon after purchase might not be so easy- but what about renting out the house for a while, generating some income for you both. Sorry you're feeling this way.

Been there, terrified to tell my family / friends as felt like a failure...finally got the courage up to say out loud I was miserable and had made a mistake buying a house with my EX and turns out my family and friends didn't want to interfere but all were relieved as they didn't like him! such a relief...wish they / I had voiced concerns sooner but you live and learn... married now to my DH no regrets about the Ex ever!

You and he need to talk. About how you are feeling and how he is feeling and what the way forward could be.

Then a convo about who does what around the house. Once the chores are allocated it will feel fairer. You’re not his mum and he has an arse he is perfectly capable of getting off of. It could be he planned to fit the house tomorrow? Or not!

Can you add value to the house while you are there? Does he or you have hands on skills? Fit a new loo or kitchen or whatever? If this was an opportunity to spend two grand, do the fitting yourselves and get an extra ten grand when you sell job done.

Yes I realised the day we picked up the keys for our new house that I had made a huge mistake.

He had been acting to be the perfect partner and as soon as he thought we were tied I saw the true him.

I felt so embarrassed and was worried about the financial commitment we had made and the money we might lose.

Luckily the advice I was given was that my happiness was more important than embarrassment or financial loss.

Luckily we sold the house and walked away with a tiny profit.

Do the same put your happiness first, we only have one life don’t waste it with him

How long have you been together. X

OP, the only difference between byou and having a crap house share is that ye own.

You are so young.
Please don't waste your precious life with this lazy slob.

Why would you be embarrassed.

It was a house. It's over. You are moving on.
Shit happens.

Move on.

You are so so young.

Go public.
Tell friends.
Tell family.
Get advice re house.

Move on.

Be happy.
This is only a blip.

Wishing you well 💐

You need to escape from this situtuation as it is making you thoroughly miserable.

Write an exit plan as though you were writing it for a friend, i.e. practically and honestly. Then follow it. Next New Year rather than crying in bed you could have a nice night, even if in alone without a useless ex.

You seem to know the relationship is over, so all you've got to worry about is the house. I know it will be a bit of a nightmare to get out of, but your happiness is worth so much more. Picture yourself in a year, five years, ten years time ... this will just be a bump in the road. Life isn't perfect. We all make mistakes.

Do not stay with this man because of some bricks. You absolutely can get out of it--it just might take some saving or whatever, depending on your finances. Think of it in terms of short-term pain for long-term gain.

You can do this.

OP Its just a house, dont tie yourself down for something material. Who is going to judge you? Sell up and move on. That's no way to live. you are so young, you can afford to make life changes like this.
Dont ignore your gut feeling.

I think people will applaud you for rectifying a mistake and not sleepwalking into the rest of your life.

I’m in my 50s now and at my age you can really see the difference between people who took control and people who didn’t. Some of my friends are also in their 50s, living in rented rooms, because they just let things happen to them rather than take control or they are stuck without finances in miserable marriages.

Take control, make a decision, move on. You will be so happy you did. By the way I know you are not going to end up like my friend in the rented room because you already know this isn’t good enough for you. That’s a great start.

This was me! Bought a house with ex in April 2017.

Knew it was a mistake just weeks later when he worked half the hours I did (so I was paying more into the joint pot!) but I came home everyday to him playing Xbox in bed with the house a tip and him whinging about what I was cooking for dinner. He never lifted a finger to care for the place despite assuring me that if we bought, he would be incentivised to do it!

Nov 2017 I moved back to my parents for a year which was tough, he stayed in the house and I saved and saved to buy him out (mortgage has an early repayment charge and he certainly couldn’t buy me out!). The saving period and the legal work took 18 months total and when I moved back to the house he had clearly not cleaned for a year....

But I have worked at it to clean it up and make it mine and it’s now my pride and joy, I absolutely love it.

Oh and I have a new partner who I adore... knew he was a keeper when he came round to help me clean in the early days of being back!

I totally agree with Bluntness. You are both so young to be living like this. Don't be so angry about him, or at him. The relationship obviously isn't working so calmly talk to him and find a way out for both of you.

The relationship is over !

Start making a positive plan to make to sell up or buy the other person out

Start making plans in November what you will be doing at New Year's eve

It will be worse, if you do nothing, so take control

Good luck

A house together is not too significant a ball-and-chain. Get out as soon as is practicable and count yourself incredibly lucky for dodging a lifetime with this guy. Were there red flags before buying the house together, I.e. lessons that you will be able to take with you for future identification of incompatible partners? If there were, remember them and they will serve you well.