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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell my friend I’m fed up of her using me, when she genuinely needs support?

29 replies

DirtyDeeds · 10/01/2020 13:24

I have a friend... we have known each other over 20 years.

She’s had so much shit over the last couple of years with work and relationships, it has been truly horrific

However, she only pops up when these issues are going on because she wants to offload or wants my advice

Again, fair enough but I am going through some really challenging issues and she never even asks how I am, even though she knows what’s going on.

I’m feeling frustrated because she needs the help but I don’t like how she does it. I can’t turn my back on someone who’s at such a low ebb but I also hate how she expects me to make her my priority when I’m at work, busy as all hell and haven’t heard from her since the last crisis

Please help!

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 10/01/2020 13:30

She's a vampire. People like this amaze me because it's as though they've no self awareness at all. I seem to attract them! They just want to talk about their own problems and if you try to talk about yours, they suddenly go vague.

Just tell her..give her a chance. Let her know that you'd like to see her sometimes but have fun with her...if she can't manage that then end the friendship.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/01/2020 13:31

Have you ever said to her "I'm sorry you're struggling but I'm going through a lot of shit myself right now and I can't support you."

Aussiebean · 10/01/2020 13:33

Just tell her that you are going through your own stuff at the moment and you are not able to help/meet/listen at the moment. But you wish her well and will be in Touch to see how she is going when you are in a better position.

Will be interesting to see if she asks how you are

Upso · 10/01/2020 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aroundtheworldyet · 10/01/2020 13:37

I don’t know. Unless you’re really being put out then I would continue to be there. Life can be very tough.
Perhaps when she’s a bit better you could say how you feel.

fortheloveofmoney · 10/01/2020 14:15

Hi OP, you sound like a very kind person and I can understand you wanting to be there for your friend, but if she's literally only there when she needs something, then is she actually a friend? If you think she is, and your relationship hasn't always been like this, then I think it's worth bringing this up with her. Even if it's just a text saying something like:

hi name, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. I do want to be here for you but I'm really stressed at work at the moment and I feel like we only ever talk when you're going through a hard time. Shall we meet up in a few weeks and have a proper catch-up?

paranoidmum2 · 10/01/2020 14:28

I like @forthelove ‘s suggestion.

She’s not a friend anyway.

Original poster
DirtyDeeds · 10/01/2020 14:55

The issue with turning my support away now is that her current crisis relates to my professional area of expertise so I’d feel really churlish to not support her.
But I’ve had a stream of messages over the last week and literally not a single ‘how are you?’ Or ‘I know I’m doing this again’
I feel so so drained but I do love her and her children and don’t want to not support them. But she also won’t change unless I tell her the impact of her behaviour on me... and it feels that to do it mid crisis would be cruel
@Upso thanks for your comments - maybe I am making excuses as I’ve also had severe MH issues and physical illnesses too and I’ve still ‘had’ to be there for her...

OP posts:
LazyDaisey · 10/01/2020 15:03

What happens when you don’t drop everything and respond right away?

If her crisis continues for an entire week, why don’t you initially be there for her but give her a definite limit. For example, you could text... I empathise with your situation and I was there for you yesterday but to be honest, I’ve got a load of shite of my own going on right now and I’ve got no one to help me with it or even anyone to listen to me. If you’re looking for specific advice on something, email me and I’ll try to get back to you within a few days. But I can’t be your go-to for this one 24/7

AndAnotherNameChanger · 10/01/2020 15:11

If it's your professional area of expertise is there someone else you can signpost her to who she can then access support from on a professional basis? Then just disengage

Howyiz · 10/01/2020 15:31

You say The issue with turning my support away now is that her current crisis relates to my professional area of expertise so I’d feel really churlish to not support her.
So you are making a choice to support her knowing she is not, has not been, nor will be supportive of you. It is your choice to do so.

Original poster
DirtyDeeds · 10/01/2020 16:04

@AndAnotherNameChanger I’ve done that before and yet... back to me again... I guess because I’m free

OP posts:
AndAnotherNameChanger · 10/01/2020 16:11

Just repeat it again, then ignore her messages (block her or silence her, depending on the method she uses to contact you, if you find it difficult to just ignore them). You've facilitated her getting help, it's up to her if she chooses not to pursue that help.

And don't feel bad about it. You're allowed to put yourself first!

Original poster
DirtyDeeds · 10/01/2020 16:51

@LazyDaisey the messages and missed calls and emails just continue if no response

Then when life is dandy, no word at all.

OP posts:
LazyDaisey · 10/01/2020 17:00

Well, don’t respond. Confused If someone got a text like that and didn’t stop to say “I’m sorry to be going on about me, tell me what’s wrong” then she’s not being a friend is she?

Why are you feeling so responsible for her? She’s running to you when she has a problem because you’re always there. Like a young adult who only bothers to call their parent when they need money or for them to solve a problem ... but they never bother asking about their parent or contact them when everything is fine.

You’re not her mother. You don’t owe her unconditional support and caring. Let alone when it’s to your detriment.

If you honestly cannot bring yourself to not reply to her, it’s time you get yourself some counselling. Because you’re enabling this situation and her, and you’re just as responsible for it as she is.

Original poster
DirtyDeeds · 10/01/2020 17:50

I’m not responding and I don’t think I need counselling! I’m a normal person who looks out for their friends but is feeling drained by this one person.
I do find it hard to walk away from someone who is going through a bad time. I don’t know many people who’d find it easy 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 10/01/2020 17:56

“Sorry it’s taken a while to reply. I’ve got so much on at the moment, I’m really feeling stressed and overwhelmed. I can’t be much help but I hope things improve for you soon”

simplekindoflife · 10/01/2020 17:57

I could've written this post!!

My friend is exactly the same and I had to go low contact for a few years, especially when I was going through some stuff, as it really, reeeeally got to me.

But lately I've started to be there for her again and it's going okay. I've made peace with the fact that she's just not one of those people who is good at being there for others and I've kind of chosen to be there for her anyway. As long as it suits me, of course. I've got other friends I can talk to and who listen to me. She hasn't and she's had such a rough time (mostly of her own doing and due to not listening to any good advice but that's beside the point!) but i've chosen to help out where I can.

But you're going through a tough time now, so don't be afraid to take a step back if she makes you feel worse.

Or raise it with her? Tell her you really need someone to talk to right now, would she mind if you offloaded?? She might just need it pointing out!

LizzieSiddal · 10/01/2020 18:45

I’d signpost her to somewhere else or someone else, giving the excuse that next week you have a huge project/busy week/meetings (whatever) and you won’t be at the end of the phone.

I’d then ignore any messages.

eddielizzard · 10/01/2020 19:06

I Like Paddingtonthebear's response. It's gently pointing out that you have a life and she's not always the centre of it. And maybe she could also offer you some support.

Original poster
DirtyDeeds · 10/01/2020 19:25

@eddielizzard good shout. I have done that before and no support has been forthcoming. I will try again though.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 10/01/2020 20:02

Try again, but she's a user not a friend. It's very hard to come to terms with that when you've invested so much in a friendship, but it's all one way. Try again, see if she works it out. You have to protect your time and emotional energy too. Sorry to hear you're going through a bad time. I hope you have some good support.

Original poster
DirtyDeeds · 10/01/2020 20:06

@eddielizzard thank you so much. I do have lovely support which just highlights this. I need to woman up a bit and be a stuck record with her.

OP posts:
Neverenoughcoffee · 10/01/2020 20:12

What would happen if you shared how things are for you without being asked how you are?
This may be more the sort of communication that she's used to. Some people assume you'll tell them what you want them to know.

Grumpelstilskin · 10/01/2020 20:26

The idea that some people 'are just not good at giving support' is utterly irrelevant because they sure as hell are happy to impose on others. then it is about high time they made the effort to learn those social skills. Reminds me of people that expect oral sex and never reciprocate. It's being fucking selfish!