How do I tell my friend I’m fed up of her using me, when she genuinely needs support?

[DirtyDeeds]

I have a friend... we have known each other over 20 years.

She’s had so much shit over the last couple of years with work and relationships, it has been truly horrific

However, she only pops up when these issues are going on because she wants to offload or wants my advice

Again, fair enough but I am going through some really challenging issues and she never even asks how I am, even though she knows what’s going on.

I’m feeling frustrated because she needs the help but I don’t like how she does it. I can’t turn my back on someone who’s at such a low ebb but I also hate how she expects me to make her my priority when I’m at work, busy as all hell and haven’t heard from her since the last crisis

Please help!

I've had friends like this, it comes as a bit of a shock when you realise that the friendship you thought you had isn't what you thought it was. I like paddingtons response

Emotional vampirism. I've experienced this many times. Getting older helped me find my voice and now while I'll bend over backwards for my kids, GC and husband, I will actively assess other people's motives and how much strain situations place on me. Learning to say No and mean it has been liberating. I was being sucked dry previously. And, like you, always a one way street. I've learned that it's not cruel to prioritise my own mental health. It's actually my right to do so and anyone who doesn't care if I'm ok, well ,they're not a true friend. Friendship should be a two way relationship.

In the last 12 months I've had to do this with my best friend.

Once I saw the dramatic disparity between what was expected from me as her friend and what was I was permitted to expect in return, my resentment just grew and grew until I literally no longer cared or had any interest in speaking to her.

I'm sure it perplexes her completely, because the limited contact I have had is filled with passive aggressive hints around things she thinks I should be taking an interest in, and am really letting her down. That she doesn't ask or appear to want to know what I have going on seems to escape her.

Thanks for the advice. I’ve just ignored this weekend and focused on time with other friends and with family. When it invariably starts up again next week I will state that I don’t have the time/energy/mental resilience to be a single point of contact for her dramas when I get no support in return. And maybe she needs to realise that some of the issues are of her own design
(Starting to get angry now rather than passive!)