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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Marriage-What a Mess

39 replies

happyagain · 29/08/2007 04:39

I need help. My Marriage is a mess and I don't know what to do because it is getting worse day by day. My husband and I both work full time. I am so sick of him telling me how hard he works everyday and how I couldn't do his job on a good day. I make more money and I think that makes him mad. He totally disregards that I work, as far as he is concerned I eat donuts and chat with the girls all day. My days are so stressful at work I have been coming home with headaches and an ulcer but that gets disregarded if I want to vent about it. All we do is fight lately about everything. I feel like I can't win no matter what the subject is dinner, driving, sleeping etc. I was just in bed trying to sleep when I was told I was irritating him and to leave the room. He is not always like this. He drinks alot on the weekend which I can't stand and he quit smoking a few months ago and he is just not even the person I married. My family has even commented on how bad our bickering has been. I am miserable and embarressed. I have brought up counseling and he said he will get a divorce before he would ever do that. I just feel like he hates me and I am so upset about it, any advice? Is anyone familiar with my situation?

OP posts:

babyblue2 · 29/08/2007 07:35

I hope someone gives you some good advice. Does he respond to your work differences when you talk about headaches etc or does he just blurt it out for no reason. He perhaps feels as though he's lost his stature in the family and his ego's bruised. Some will disagree with this but if this was me I would probably not counter what he says to you and would just agree that he probably has the more stressful job etc and pander to him a bit. Men like to feel important. Keep quiet and let him have his say on subjects and just agree with him and see if he changes his ways when he receives the respect he feels he deserves. I know loads will disagree with this but its personal opinion-i've read the surrendered wife book and adopted some of the suggestions which worked (i am not a surrendered wife by any means). If its worth a try then have a go.

pyjamaqueen · 29/08/2007 07:35

Haven't got anything helpful to say to you, but wanted to give this a bump so you didn't feel no one had read it!

All marriages have their low points. Try to find something positive - I'm so jealous that 1) you have a job and 2) you earn more than your husband! Wow! Try to work on making yourself feel better - ie trying to sort out the headaches etc - rather than worrying about him at the moment. Good luck and hopefully something with something relevant will be along soon!

pyjamaqueen · 29/08/2007 07:36

(I mean someONE with something relevant...)

WaynettaSlob · 29/08/2007 07:39

When did the two of you last have some time on your own? Do you think maybe a night / weekend away together would help you re-connect? Could someone take the kids for you?

obimomkanobi · 29/08/2007 07:54

He sounds rather cruel and self-involved.

I'd arrange an evening out and lay your cards on the table, explain how badly you are feeling and tell him that if he won't address the issues or consider counseling then you will be the one doing the divorcing.

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 08:02

I think babyblue2's advice is quite good, IF you have the energy/patience left after work/chores to enact it.

Lots of men find it immensely difficult not to be the breadwinner or main earner, especially if they are not very domesticated either - they feel like second-class citizens in their own home and their ego is severely compromised. I'm not saying that this is "right", I'm saying that this is how it is, and that if you want to work at your marriage for the long-term, the short-term solution to making your husband a bit happier and more amenable is to boost his ego. You can deal with bigger issues (and go to counselling) once he is a bit happier again.

BecauseImWorthIt · 29/08/2007 08:07

No, no, no - don't pander to his ego. It's the worst thing that you can do because you will fuel this belief of his that he is better than you.

You must sort it out now otherwise this will fester and then you will not have a marriage of any kind.

If he won't go to counselling with you then go by yourself. Relate, I believe, will counsel you on your own. This will at the very least give you a sense of perspective on your life, your marriage and where you stand vis a vis your husband and his view of you and your marriage.

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 08:12

I'm not suggesting that the OP fuel her husband's belief that he is better than she... just that she bring him up to a position of equality with her again .

You cannot sort a marriage where the man feels he is performing less well than his wife on every main contributing criterion... just as you cannot have a happy marriage where a wife feels she is contributing less well than her husband on every main criterion.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 29/08/2007 08:24

Sorry Hapyagain - the situation sounds very dificult for you at the moment. I have to say I sort of agree with the suggestion of 'pandering' - if only to disarm him.

It is not surrendering if you agree that he 'feels' like he has a very stressful job - being paid less for a job than you feel you should be will contribute to that stress. He needs to stop feeling hard done by - if he can't project his negativity on to you anymore then he will haveto put up or shut up.

When i have a bad day with the kids i find i almost want to argue with dh as it feeds my sense of injustice - if you do not allow him to use you p'haps it will break the cycle...

forgive my cod psychology

warthog · 29/08/2007 08:31

i think he needs to be acknowledged. take the competition element out of it. listen to what he says, let him have his say, acknowledge it, even repeat it back to him. stifle the desire to tell him that you think you're having just as bad a time, if not worse. do it for a few days and see if it makes any difference. then see whether he starts to reciprocate and give you the acknowledgement you need.

then move on from there and start sharing things more evenly, doing little things for each other.

eleusis · 29/08/2007 08:38

Your husband sounds like something that dropped out of the Victorian age. Send him to Xenia's boot camp. A man who can not accept that his wife's career is just as worthy and demanding as his own has issues that come from within. They are not your fault, and it is not your responsibility to fix them.

If I were in your shoes I would sit down and I would tell him what was wrong. I would have a nlist of things that upset me, and a list of things that must change. I'd give him six months to make an effort. And if he didn't, then I'd leave (if I could financially afford it).

Are there kids involved?

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 08:42

That's very radical, Eleusis . The Xenia school of confrontation and control is not a guaranteed marriage-fixer.

eleusis · 29/08/2007 08:46

No no, not her "confrontation and control" course. I mean her "Introduction to Women as equals" course.

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 08:51

But Eleusis, that's not the OP's problem

eleusis · 29/08/2007 08:56

The OP mentions that he has issues with her earning more than he does. And then a few posts have recommended she pander to him and agree that his job is more stressful than hers (even if it isn't???). It isn't her responsiblity to do this. He is the one with the problem. He needs to come to terms with a wife whose job is more successful than his.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 29/08/2007 09:02

Depends wether you want to be right - or be married I suppose.

It is very difficult to assess a person or their marriage in a brief post. If the situation is really as black and white as evil sexist pig not appreciating his successful wife - then sure get a divorce and move on.

Imo it will be much more complicated than that - and if a bit of tactical sympathy will help draw out the real story then it is worth a try.

warthog · 29/08/2007 09:05

it's not about being right, pandering or equality.

it's simply acknowledging the other person.

if you're trying to say you've had a tough day it's really annoying to hear someone else has had a worse day. you're both doing that to each other. it won't stop until you both start listening.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 29/08/2007 09:21

warthog - put it much better.

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 09:26

bigmouth, warthog - you are both right.

IMO marriages require constant attention and acknowledgement of one another's individual feelings. They do not respond to blueprints.

Ulysees · 29/08/2007 09:33

I wouldn't normally agree with these posts saying you should agree with him but it may be worth a try in the short term? Not necessarily to put yourself lower but just be calm, repeat back his issues and don't compete. You sound as if you've both got in a cycle and are both very miserable. Deep breaths and less hostility may disarm him and also make him think/worry more. If he worries a little then he may realise what he has to lose?

Relate do counsel one partner. Also I suggest you look on their website as their literature is brilliant.

Keep us posted x

Caroline1852 · 29/08/2007 09:38

I am most worried about the irritation thing. When a relationship is in crisis, all manner of things become irritating. I know one woman who complained that the tick of her husband's watch was unbearably loud. In the throes of breaking up with my ex husband I began to not like the way he held the telephone. It is all a symptom of something being horribly wrong. You need to find out what is really going on behind all that silly complaining.

eleusis · 29/08/2007 09:39

Ok, a softer approach is sensible. I can agree there. But he needs to change too. It is not the OP's sole job to adjust her behaviour and make him feel better. She deserves to feel better too. It is a two way street.

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 09:41

Eleusis - I don't think you can "change" your partner's behaviour without first changing your own. Hence the advice to acknowledge/pander/listen in the short term.

Ulysees · 29/08/2007 09:41

I agree eluisis. She needs to stop wasting her energy flogging a dead horse though and concentrate on herself. The way they are now isn't solving anything. At least if he isn't fueled by her fighting with him he may take a breather and think about the situation? Hopefully

Anna8888 · 29/08/2007 09:43

Caroline1852 - what I think you are saying is that, when a relationship has broken down, any, even very minor, manifestation of that person's presence is annoying.

I suppose that when things are that bad, the relationship might not be salvageable

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