My Marriage-What a Mess

[happyagain]

I need help. My Marriage is a mess and I don't know what to do because it is getting worse day by day. My husband and I both work full time. I am so sick of him telling me how hard he works everyday and how I couldn't do his job on a good day. I make more money and I think that makes him mad. He totally disregards that I work, as far as he is concerned I eat donuts and chat with the girls all day. My days are so stressful at work I have been coming home with headaches and an ulcer but that gets disregarded if I want to vent about it. All we do is fight lately about everything. I feel like I can't win no matter what the subject is dinner, driving, sleeping etc. I was just in bed trying to sleep when I was told I was irritating him and to leave the room. He is not always like this. He drinks alot on the weekend which I can't stand and he quit smoking a few months ago and he is just not even the person I married. My family has even commented on how bad our bickering has been. I am miserable and embarressed. I have brought up counseling and he said he will get a divorce before he would ever do that. I just feel like he hates me and I am so upset about it, any advice? Is anyone familiar with my situation?

You are right Anna. She isn't going to change him. But, if he wants to, he can change him. Of course there may be things she can change too. But, the OP is stressed and very unhappy. And I don't want her to think it's her job alone to change her behaviour and just put up with his.

I think they need to communicate and then come back and evaluate if there is progress in say 6 months or so. It sounds to me that by coming here and seeking advice it is she who is inclined to make an effort. And I think the effort needs to come from both of them.

And I's still send him to Xenia's boot camp to get over his Victorian expectations of wh ois entitled to a successful career.

I actually have huge sympathy for men who were brought up by adoring mothers to be breadwinners and head-of-household with domesticated SAHMs and who have difficulty adjusting to a world of women who were brought up to perform across the board. Their mothers did them a huge disservice and I think they deserve quite a lot of kind and gentle handling to bring them into line with the modern world - not a boot camp . I don't think the boot camp approach is useful if you want a loving marriage full of kindness and understanding in the long term.

Do you think he feels undervalued (financially) at work? and he is taking it out unfairly on you, and his behaviour is due to stuck in a rut resentment. Male or femiale feeling this way is not good.

It might be less about him being mad at your salary just that it reminds him that his work doesn't acknowledge his stress.

Not saying this is ok, but strong emotions often have a way of seeping out, even at the wrong person.
Have a chat with him, is there anything he can change, why is it so stressful?
Then when he stops feeling so slighted at work, he should be able to appreciate the benefits of you having a great job.
Spose I'm saying the root of the problem could be that ,not you..
I do think it's hard to tell from the info, so may be way of the mark!

I think any relationship is salvageable - but you have to both want it.

I have just reread the OP and frankly I can't can't find much in his behaviour which warrants sympathy.

Now, perhaps if you think the OP has not given an unbiased view of the situation then there might be room for some sympathy.

I am particularly struck by her suggesting they get help together and him responding that he will sooner get a divorce.

I do however have a lot of sympathy for happyagain.

Obviously we can none of us here have any idea of how biased or unbiased the OP is.

I think, however, that it is very easy in any relationship to forget to examine why the other party might be feeling the way he does. It doesn't mean he is right to do so - but you cannot get people to change their way of thinking by sending them to boot camp, or being confrontational or controlling. You can only get people to change their way of thinking effectively through education, and that takes a great deal of time.

That sounds like a horrible situation happyagain.

Do you think that you can arrange a babysitter for an evening or maybe even a full weekend?
Tell him that you would like the evening/weekend with him so that you can discus the current marriage set up and how you both feel, so that he is not going to feel ambushed and will have some time to think about what he wants to get across to you (valid or not valid).

Maybe let him go first in telling you how he feels.

You both have to remember that a marriage is not a competition it is a partnership.

My husband has only just got a job after a lot of years of studying whilst I was bringing home the bacon. We tried to make a joke of it, although there were times when I was feeling resentful that all the responsibility in feeding us all and keeping a roof over our heads lay squarely on my shoulders. But in the end it has been worth all the debt that has been accumulated in the process (despite my bacon ), and all the hard studying on his part. He has now got the job that he wanted, and he looks forward going there in the mornings. That makes both me and the children happy.

maisemor - I was under the impression from the OP that there were no children.

I think the post who says that the OP shouldn't have to modify her behaviour it should be the husband who needs to change is incorrect. When we look at children and parents, we often find that in order to change children's behaviour to something more acceptable we have to introduce changes ourselves, sometimes modifying our behaviour. If the OP does make small changes and comes across as a 'more understanding wife' and I don't mean she isn't already, then hopefully the respect will be brought back into their relationship. For the OP to go to DH and tell her how she feels will only make him feel even worse-not only is he not the breadwinner but he can't make his wife happy. No, I feel she needs to go down the route most have suggested in order to bring happiness back into the relationship. This is obviously not a definite solution but if she wishes to salvage the relationship then its worth a try, without being confrontational.

happyagain, I really feel for you, your situation sounds very hard. I have no advice except to say that in my experience a successful marriage is incredibly valuable and if there is a way of showing him lots of love (without being submissive or debasing yourself or enabling abusive behaviour) but giving him praise wherever you can and boosting his efforts where you can, maybe a little love would tip the balance a bit in terms of the pressure he's feeling.
I think our culture does not prepare many men for the psychological knock of earning less than their wife/partner. I think some men just find that profoundly undermining but don't realise it consciously. I'm not saying that you shouldn't earn more I just think it is emasculating for some men and that maybe we all need to just accept that.
Whatever happens I wish you well and hope that things change soon, it sounds insupportable now as it is. all the best.

First of all I want to Thank you all for your advice. This is my first time on here and the support systems is wonderful. I have read through the message and I Thank you because some of your suggestions were my own thoughts but were unsure if I was thinking this out correctly and I am glad it was confirmed by others thoughts.

We have no children, we tried and were not able to. We have a summer home and there is always someone there and no privacy so a weekend away with no guests will do us some good.

I don't think the main problem is I make more money. I think at this point he is miserable and that stands in the way of any conversation we have. Everything is the problem, if you know what I mean.

I think I will go to the counseling on my own and take it from there, and a LONG heart to heart talk. I could not imagine getting a divorce the thought breaks my heart, Thanks everyone. I do love my husband.

Good luck, Happy.

Happyagain - from your message I'd guess that you aren't English/in England...? Anyway, best wishes for your marriage and yes, definitely spend some time alone with your husband. Always being tired from work / around others is a huge strain.

Good luck happyagain, I know a few people in happy marriages that have gone through what seemed at the time to be disasters and reasons to break up. I think a long successful marriage that is never tested is probably pretty rare. You have everything to gain from making a leap of faith in your dh, everything to gain from being compassionate and supportive. Strong love can be amazingly powerful and can sometimes change a situation proufoundly. I think it's hard to be strong and loving, women in my family have tended to be submissive and loving but then I think the love gets lost under the submission!

Also I think in our culture there's a tendency to think "I deserve to be happy!" and if we're not happy we look at our partner and our culture virtually tells us to ask "Why aren't you making me happy?!"
I think we all get this kind of message about deserving and expecting but in the past people didn't have those expectations - I think marriage long ago was seen more as a job of work. A way to move through life's ups and downs both within the relationship and within the wider world.
I think about these things a lot because my parents split up when I was five and it was pretty disastrous for all of us.
I don't think it's anyone else's job to make me happy, that's my job. My dh's job is to love and care for me as I love and care for him. One is always going to be stronger than the other at different times. That's why a loving marriage can work so well.